Christmas 2012

As I lay in my bed Christmas eve morning it is still dark in my room due to the rain outside and H is still sleeping and the dog is cuddled up next to me, not quite ready to wake up himself just yet. I start to send my Merry Christmas love to some very important people in my life. One family in particular that has given me a best friend since high school and now her sister who has became my sole companion, the one I can't go without talking to. Although I miss my first best friend, Linz, we have drifted apart because of time, life, and distance. Although in my heart she will always be forever my best friend, somehow I was blessed enough to find a best friend in her sister, who lives across the street and is here.so when I think about it, this family was placed in my life 15 years ago for a reason, I just never would have thought that 15 years later this family touches my heart and life in ways that are indescribable. Not only did this family give me two wonderful women that I get to call my best friends but they always opened their home for me on holidays after my H would leave to be with her family. For the few years I did spend alone after H left I was sad, miserable, and normally drunk. Every Christmas or thanksgiving for at least the past 3 years if not 5 have opened their arms to letting me be apart of their Christmas night dinner and even thanksgiving meals. I'm not sure if any realize what they gave me when they did this or how much it touche me. I am not even sure I quite realized how much it meant to me until this morning. When I awoke it dawned on me I would not see this family this Christmas and my heart sunk and tears began to flow ( although let me be clear, they were not tears of sadness , but tears of happy thoughts/) I wrote on each ones wall to say Merry Christmas and thank you and to say how much I would miss them. This year they are all in TX where they belong together and I couldn't be happier that they all get to spend Christmas in TX together. I know how much this means to this family.I realized after I had written each one of them that my tears and feelings were way more than I had anticipated. Not only are they in Tx but this year Christmas is different for H and I. Now I have been blessed to have the most wonderful man come into my life and for the first time in 7 years H and I are going to spend Christmas with a family that is not ours. We were invited to spend Christmas eve with his family, and even though I'm a bit overwhelmed with this years change of events I realize that my life is taking a different turn and a new chapter is beginning, not only for me but for H as well. So to end this, this Christmas has been one I'll never forget, for the first time I am more in the Christmas spirit than I have been in what seems like ages, my TX family is in TX this year, and I start a new chapter in my life with this man I'm so madly in love with. Feeling more emotions than I could ever write down but thankful and blessed is what comes to mind. Merry Christmas 2012.

Picky Eater......

I must say I find it frustrating feeding H. If its not plain and simple or one ingredient that she can see that she is not familiar with, might as well throw out out the window ..... I growing up and am sure many my age would agree, you ate what was put in front of you or you left the table hungry. However I feel that I am solely responsible for H's eating habits. When I divorced it seemed easier to let H eat what she wanted. Plus it didn't seem like cooking for 2 was ever really an option because most things she ate I didn't and vise versa and it wasn't worth the fight or struggle to put my foot down on eating or going without. And now it bites me in the butt. So this morning I woke up thinking I'll get up and cook her breakfast, she loves it so much, specifically sausage. So I cooked her some sausage and then made a sausage cream cheese casserole with crescent rolls. I just knew I couldn't go strong with this. All the things this childs loves for breakfast, sausage and rolls/biscuits. Well NO ! Couldn't be that easy, stupid cream cheese messed it up for her. She took one tiny bite and said she didn't like. Defeated again a against this child's taste buds :( so I told her she could finish her piece of sausage but then she would have to go upstairs and go without unless she decided she wanted to eat this casserole. Now as I sit downstairs I feel awful. I feel like I've sent my kid upstairs and she is starving to death ( although I know this is not the case) but its eating at me. It seems cruel and unfair, so again I'm sure I'll cave in about 10 minutes and fix her something else to eat..... Cooking and feeding a picky child is frustrating and exhausting.

Battles & Struggles

Tonight was one of those nights filled with restlessness and a constant battle of tossing and turning and trying to make the wheels inside my head stop. For the first time in what seems like a very long time I lost it on H’s dad tonight. Any that knows me or knows me well enough knows the hassle that he has given me for years, basically since the divorce. There were times in between where he was normal and seemed like he might just be turning himself around, but over and over again he shows himself to be a truly lost person and not a good hearted man at all. My H has struggled and strived for his acceptance for years, at times getting enough to hold her by, but just when she seems to have gotten a hold of enough of him to make her feel adequate enough for him to spend time with, he remarries (without telling her) then two weeks later discloses the secret that he will be having another child. Caring for this man is not something I can do. Many many moons ago when I was young, naïve, and had lost myself I hung onto him, I clung to him (as I see clinging now by fingertips). However, my attachment to him was neither love nor any sentiment that could ever be compared to holding someone close to your heart. I was lost, I had lost myself. I stayed because I was scared, because I did want to do the right things, and because I thought that H would be enough for him to change his ways. I knew I wasn’t and understood that. I know now that wasn’t even what I wanted. I wanted H to grow up with a mother and a father. One she deserved and one she could be proud of (mother and father). But things got bad and I could see that not only was I not me, my child was not herself. So I left, after several beatings to the head physically and mentally I left. It seems like it took years for me to recover, for me to find myself back to me. Not sure I had ever really knew who I was. I battled constantly over becoming strong, not showing weakness, and with being a mother and had built up so much hatred over years, some even before the EX and it consumed me, it ate at me mentally and physically at times. Some people, lets change that most people have no idea the struggles and battles I went to war with just against myself. It seems that up until just this year I finally found me. That I am comfortable with the woman I have grown into and even now it saddens me that I have not been on my A game or even B game at the truth for H and that is what hurts. Because although I knew I wanted her to have at least one parent she could be proud of, it seems that it took me almost 5 years to recover myself. 5 years of her life for her mommy to figure out where she stood in life and as her mother. This child has always deserved so much better than me but now that my eyes open I am more thankful than I could ever be that H is mine, she is my air, she is my strength, she is the one that who has made me the woman I am today. Not me, not my struggles, not my own emotional battles that I have overcome; it is H that has saved me. Where is this coming from and why does this have me restless and not able to sleep? After 5 years I went back to the Child Support office to have things automated with Child Support because every week it’s a struggle and hassle to get her father to pay a mere $100 for child support. Which is way less than the original agreement and the fact that I also keep up with the insurance. But when I think about it, I wouldn’t want him to the be the one responsible for keeping insurance on H, he isn’t reliable and who knows when another job is going to bite the dust with him. Needless to say he found out today that I had filled with the Child Support Office to get what is rightfully H’s (not mine, but hers) I don’t want to receive anything from him anymore than child support which helps take care of her. He called first to say he knew, and tried to play it off calmly that he wasn’t mad, but I know this man and I know him better than I think he knows himself. I could hear the anger in his voice. And I knew when I did this, he was going to try and bully me to back off and not go through the Courts like he has done so many times. But finally my strength is enough I will not let him bully me any longer. I am not scared of him, he cannot hurt me. His words will not scare me from doing what H needs me to do. The conversation continued and of course he started to tell me that I wouldn’t get more money, in fact I would get less than $400 a month from him which is what I might get now if he pays on time. I tried to tell him its not about the money, it’s the fact that I am done asking 5 times in 3 days when I’m getting money to put in my bank. When is it convenient for him and his new wife to give money for H. It is not a priority on his list. As awful as it sounds H has never been his priority and it hurts me even more to say that she more than likely never will be. And this is what breaks my heart for my daughter. H. had also been having some stomach issues for about a month now, or perhaps it has been going on since she found out her daddy was having another baby. However, these stomach issues only seem to arise when she is with them for the weekend. It consumes her and she doesn’t seem to understand why she only feels this way with them. Again the breaking of my heart for her cannot be described through words on a paper. Her new step mom decided to talk to her about anxiety and nervousness and even if she did not mean it H took in a way that something was medically wrong with her and that by seeing a DR and giving her medicine would be a way to treat it. Once again let me state that whether the step mom meant this or not, this is not something she should have talked to H about. It should have been her dad or me. Needless to say H and I talked about it for about 30 minutes the prior night she returned from a weekend with them, which again was filled with stomachaches and pains. H said she felt she really needed to go to the Dr. I know H better than most, she is mine, inside and out (this is no denying) I can see when she is sick or when she is troubled and last night I saw a troubled young 10 year old confused by words from a new step mom that somehow made her feel that “she” was the problem. This is how I know that I am a better woman than years ago. Years ago I would have blew up on her, but two nights ago I tried to discuss with H “maybe what she meant” and explain why H would be feeling these things. Of course when I go to talk to Mike about it the next morning in his bullshit, condescending tone he acts as if he is on my side, that his wife should not have discussed this with H. Times like these I ask myself why I even bothered bringing it to his attention, because ultimately he does not care. He wants to sound like he does, and act as if he does but his actions always show otherwise. So back to where I started, the conversation went from me getting worked up at him by the tone in his voice and the way he was trying to convince me how going through the courts was only going to hurt me. Like him giving me $100 a week is a blessing and I am messing that up by going to the Child Support Office. Again, anyone that knows this man knows this is who he is. Always trying to push anyone or me around for that matter. However, I’m done. I was telling him that I had took H to the DR and said her exam was great, she looks great, no blockages he can feel and her stomach sounds like a normal 10 year old girl’s stomach with normal bowels. At this point I had lost it (yes this I am ashamed to say) he got to me, and I was yelling at this time that H was fine, that the problem was with Him and his new wife, and how they needed to help H feel more comfortable and more at ease and then he lost it. Like always calling me the “stupid bitch” and telling me that I am the reason H is scared to do anything or be herself. That I am the one that has made her so self-conscious she is constantly trying to appease someone. That was it. My breaking point had been breaking, I yelled, I cursed, I screamed at how much I hated him and how I hope to God that he is a better dad to this new baby than what he has been to H because he has been nothing but a disappointment to that child and she still holds hope that one day he will be the Dad she wants and needs. I hang up the phone. I run upstairs to immediately address the situation with H (thankfully she had been in the shower and only caught the end of it which was me telling him to go to hell). For this I feel awful, I am the rock, I am her foundation and I lost it and even though I may not like him, she loves him, whole heartedly with his good and all of his bad because that’s what a daughter does. H and I discussed a lot last night and I told her some things that maybe I should not have, but I feel that she is getting older that some things she needs to know. I have allowed him to put me down for years in front of her, trying to prove that I am the bigger person by never saying a word or the truth about the things he does or lies about when it comes to her. H is my world and I feel that every day, every year we grow together and I hope in time she comes to me with everything (I feel she already is starting to feel a bond between us and feels she can talk to me about most things) but no daughter is going to always tell her mother the truth. This I know. I felt H and I ended things on a good note; I apologized from the bottom of my heart to H and told her I would even apologize to her dad for the name calling and yelling at him to prove to her I am the bigger person but I just lost it. I am human, it does not make it right and I honestly do feel remorse about it, because this is not who I am anymore, I do not scream and yell and feel hatred for people, but he won last night. He finally wore me down enough where I snapped, so yes he won. But he will not win this battle of child support, I am not backing down and I will not allow him to bully me any longer. I know where I stand as a mother and I know where I stand with my daughter, I don’t need his approval nor want to ever hear his thoughts on it. She is with me 6 days a week, day and night except on his weekends, he has no idea our schedule, our routine, the way we live our lives. I did admit to H last night that when she gets older I hope she does not want to be with a man like her father. It’s so true; I think my heart would forever break if she ever wound up where I did all those years ago with a man like him. I told her that they type of man she needs will be a man like her grandfather (my dad) or like Greg. I explained how these men are established, have worked hard for what they have, show women respect, take care of a home, family, and live a normal routine life. That is what H deserves. No girl wants to hear that her dad is not a prize, and maybe I shouldn’t have opened that box so soon with her but everyday it scares me, scares me that she will one day love a man like her dad, unstable, emotional mess, never knowing where he is going and more than likely never ending up where he thought he was supposed to be. So needless to say this had me restless last night. Restless that I am still upset with myself for letting him get under my skin, for allowing him to push me to a limit I thought I was pass. I am pass it, but last night I felt I had a voice and wanted him to HEAR Me about what he is doing to H and how I am tired of it. She deserves so much more. However, on a side note and a much better one, Greg was here after and he just let me lie in his lap and talk about it. He listened, not knowing what to say (not knowing he didn’t need to say anything) that him being there was more than enough. He seemed to have calmed me down and made me feel better just with his presence. This is what makes me feel like I have to be the luckiest woman to have met him and for him to be in my life and H’s. I was very reluctant to talk to Greg about what had happened not 10 minutes before we walked in the door, but the minute I put my head down on him and he rubbed my back, it was instantaneous how the words flew from my mouth discussing the situation. He is the man I want H to look up to along with any good man including my father. Although Greg made me feel better, I still struggled all night playing it over and over in my head the things I said to him. How could I have let him get me there? Ashamed that I lost it. But it is over now and hopefully this, these words on this paper will put my heart and head at ease.

'love'

It's funny how 'love' changes things. To let go and knock down walls. Walls that I am sure I've had up for most of my life. Never wanting to completely let go and never really showing the person that I didn't even know existed in me. I've always heard others say that someone made them a better person and I never quite believed it. I have always felt that I have the control over who I am and that I've always been the better person. However, 'love' has shown me a new road. It is taking me places that I never knew existed, allowing myself to tear down the walls and letting someone in. I now believe that sometimes one special person can make someone a better person, because everyday I am around him I feel better. I feel more human, I feel emotions and desire connections and relationships with friends and family more than I ever have in my whole life. He is the sole reason for these new desires and emotions running through my body. He makes me feel alive and he makes me feel loved. I know that some may think it is crazy, here I am 30 and for the first time feeling like someone is truly loving me and I am allowing someone to love me for me. All my life I have avoided these things (relationships, connections,emotions, etc.), and even at times felt that I was 'in love' only to realize NOW that I have never been in love until this moment. I have never torn the walls down enough for anyone to really love me or for me to love someone back. It amazes me how it has consumed me, changed me, softened my heart, and warmed my soul. He makes me feel things I wasn't sure I would ever feel, much less want to feel this way. He has opened my eyes to a whole new world. One that I can't wait to explore further with him. For the first time in what seems like forever I am in the Christmas spirit, I have enjoyed decorating and taking the time to buy presents for everyone else. He has put me in the spirit which not only makes me feel like a better person, but makes me a better mom for H. I have been a scrooge for years, and I hate that she has those memories, however I feel this is a turning point and from here on out Christmas will be one of her favorite memories going forward. 'love' has changed me, 'his love for me' has revived me. 'his love' was worth waiting for. 'love' has made a grumpy old soul into a warm heart-filled human being...

Nothing wrong with a Heavy Heart...

Sometimes I feel as if I am perceived as this type of person that has no feelings or can’t fathom sensitive emotions or be a sensitive person in general. But for anyone who really knows me, truly knows me, knows that I am a big ball of emotion and a lot more sensitive than most would think. I may not wear my emotions on my sleeve, but they definitely weigh on my heart very heavily, whether they are good feelings, feelings of doubt, worry, etc., they are there. And at times they consume me so much that I forget to stop, breathe, and re-evaluate what is weighing on my heart so much. I have to remind myself to not overthink every situation and sometimes find it hard to talk about the things that are weighing on my hear t so much. I don’t want to come off as this person who is not strong enough. I want to feel that I can conquer anything, although I am learning that sometimes I have to ask for help and sometimes I need to talk things out, I find it hard for me to give into this. I feel that I am the Rock, I am the foundation for Haleigh, and so I feel that this foundation should be solid and should be able to conquer all things, but then again I’m beginning to think that maybe I should show weakness to her. Let her know that sometimes you have to reach out, and that it is ok to fall apart at times. That you don’t have to constantly have it together, and that it is ok to show emotions whether it is sadness, happiness, or anger. I feel that I am constantly battling with myself to be this mother in hopes one day she is proud of me and the relationship that we had and continue to have as she grows older, and doesn’t resent how I was as a mother because I was too scared to show her it is ok to feel every living thing and moment in life. It’s funny how one post can start out and end with a completely different direction than I had intended for it to go. But anyone that reads this crazy ass blog knows that I might start off in right field or even pitching but usually wind up way in left field. I guess the point of this post is that the older I get, the more I feel, the more I laugh, the more I cry, and the more I am ok with it all. It’s funny to me, that getting older really does change things, I feel it is definitely changing me and only for the better. I feel and want things I wasn’t sure I’d ever want. All the things that I use to think were important don’t even register on the scale anymore. Being a good person, one who cares and does for others, and becoming someone that hopefully can be someone’s love of their life while being a good mother seems to be where my heart seems to be headed. And I’m ok with that; I am actually more than ok with that. I know it will not be a quick drive down the street, and will probably be more like the winding road that seems unsteady and dangerous at times, but I feel that if I keep my head and heart all in the same direction, eventually I will end up where I am supposed to be.

2 am

So here it is. 2 am in the morning, I'm sitting at a computer screen when I know that in 3 hours I will be back at work staring at 2 computer screens for at least the next 9 hours. Oh the joy, let me tell you. I can’t even explain my excitement that I am trying to contain with my lack of sleep and knowing this is the beginning of my insomnia kicking my ass this week. I’d say first off this has been one hell of a week at work, however yesterday morning when I woke up at what appears to be my internal clock of 5 am , I got out of the bed with the attitude I was going to embrace it, take more time to look presentable at work. First on the agenda is do something with the Mullet that is growing on my head at the moment. For those that don’t know, I cut all of my hair off, short, short as hell about 3 months ago. While I loved it (don’t get me wrong) I only truly loved it for about 3 weeks. But after those 3 weeks I still didn’t hate it, it was a love to hate, hate to love relationship and lets be honest, I have enough of those relationships in regards to my clothes, my body, my small boobs, house, car, and the list could go on. Oh and just for the record, the mullet is a cause of growing out short hair. I'm trying to hold on as long as I can before a haircut. So back to 5 am yesterday morning. I took the time to curl my hair only for the back to be flipped out like I had a serious case of windblown hit to the back of my hair with an extreme case of poof ball on the top. (no, really, I felt as if I had stuck my head out of the car door while driving 80 on the interstate and only the back of my hair got affected) Guess you can’t have the party in the back without something going on up top?? After getting something adjusted with the hair, I wasn’t ecstatic about it, but didn’t hate it enough to actually wash the damn shit. So I’ve still got plenty of time so I get out (what I consider to be a great ensemble, which really isn’t saying much) and go to put the last touch on, BOOTS so that I can wake up my daughter to surprise her that I’m all ready and I’ll walk the dog as she gets ready. Usually these rolls are reversed in this household. So I’ll be damned if I don’t go to zip my boot up and the damn zipper breaks again. And by again, I mean I just picked up my boots the following Friday from The Shoe Fixer that fixed my zipper already. @@ that’s me rolling my eyes uncontrollably when this zipper fucks up again. Great now I can’t wear this outfit, I need my boots dammit, this is when the spiral of pissiness begins with me. I’ll be damned if I don’t have a mullet, boots fucking suck, and my damn dog pisses and shits everywhere. Now I have to change clothes, now with something I’m highly unsatisfied with, walk the dog, only to find out when I bring the fucker in he had already pissed on the kitchen floor. FML, like it wasn’t bad enough that I had to clean up Piss and shit yesterday on the carpet because my dog feels that it is inhumane to take a piss while it is raining even out on the porch. The day before I had drug him outside on the leash and stood in the monsoon only for him to lay on the concrete and look terrified by the umbrella I was holding to try and help this fucker from getting wet so he would JUST PEE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD outside and not have a mess in. epic fail, thank you Brody for not helping your beloved owner out. OK OK so back to my 5 am, after the boot catastrophe, and cleaning up piss at 6 am from the dog. I’m finally able to get my daughter to my moms. At this point at least I will get to work early and get caught up, guess what? Wrong again, fucking tracking at 615 am on interstate 24 absolutely baffles me, who the fuck else goes to work at 6am or that many people that cause idiots to have wrecks and back up the interstate causing me to sit there and miss any fucking overtime I could have gotten. Then I forgot my tea at home, spilled my coffee at least twice on me and did a piss poor job of hosting a conference call with one of my big publishers. Big Pat on the back to me for 5 am yesterday. You suck. Oh yes, and after taking my boots back to the Shoe Fixer, the zipper of course works for him, then I put the boot on to show him what is happening and the conclusion is made that my calves are so damn thick they are causing the zipper to break. So now I will be spending another $50 to get the zippers replaced because I don’t want to have 2 different zippers on my boots and lets face it I was lucky when I found these boots last year to fit my fucking legs. So here’s to you Mullet, Fat Calves, Pissing Dogs and wardrobe malfunctions! Cheers to you! I really felt confident when I closed my eyes last night that my exhaustion from the day before would help me sleep. Not only was I mentally exhausted from work, but exhausted from dealing with the “sperm donor” This isn’t some new conclusion, but he is a complete fucking idiot who has no emotions or feelings in regards to his daughter at times. It feels that “even when he is trying” as he would say, he can somehow manage to fuck the smallest of things up leaving her sad and angry with him and leaving me with the one to console her. Let’s clear this up, I love being there for her, but I hate having to console her so often about her father. It is tiresome and it doesn’t seem that I can ever quite say the right thing. I mean how can I? I can’t tell her how mad and angry I am at him for doing this to her for the UMPTEENTH time?? Lord knows if he doesn’t get better with the new baby, My baby has a long road ahead of her. I just keep telling myself I can do this, I will be there for her and I will keep my mouth shut, and just wait until she is in bed to write my heart away and be angry with him on paper or blog ☺ So closing my eyes rather early at about 9 pm I drift off, but that is just it, a complete drift off, no real sleep. I’m half awake thinking about shit that doesn’t matter in the middle of the night and half dreaming about shit I would be thinking about if I was awake. How fucked up is that? Ugh I hate my brain at times like these, but hopefully this produces something that others fine entertaining in my vomit of stories from 2 am. So I look at the clock and I just know its about that time, has to be at least 5 am, so I can go ahead and get up and start early again today, and maybe make it to work as early as I had planned the day before. Fuck no, it’s 2 am, I try for about 45 minutes to go back to sleep, 30 minutes consisted of counting, it went something like this: 1 Mississippi 2 Mississippi, thoughts of Victoria Secret clothes, 3 Mississippi, 4 Mississippi, how will I fix the mullet this morning, 5 Mississippi, 6 Mississippi, what the fuck am I going to wear, 7 Mississippi, I make it to 30 Mississippi with thoughts between every 2 Mississippis and give the fuck up. This isn’t working, my switch to the brain has already been cut on and there is no help now that Mississippi can give me in going back to sleep. So my next strategy, lets look at meaningless crap on the internet on my phone, this sometimes makes me sleepy, wrong again. Ok Ok, grab your tablet and read, I normally fall asleep reading, but you know what my tablet is downstairs and if I have to get out of bed to get it what’s the point, I’m officially out of bed at this point. (yes a little crazy to think I am this lazy to go get my tablet from downstairs for something that might help me go back to sleep but by GOD MAN IT'S 2 AM AND I'M FUCKING TIRED) Hey, it is what it is. I never said I made sense or ever expect to. So 2:50 am I say Fuck it, I’m up, go write, haven’t done a rant like this in awhile, might as well now before I loose my humor and the fun that most of you will get out of this. At least someone can take appreciation out of my exhaustion. So I have 2 and a half hours ahead of me before I can wake my daughter and begin my day to work. Oh yay, baggy black eyes on a Wednesday at work. I can’t wait to start this day. HA maybe tonight I’ll get some sleep and won’t look like a walking zombie but I won’t hold my breath. So for anyone out there that may read this later today, thanks for reading, hope you got a few laughs, I’m off to watch infomercials on tv until it's some reasonable hour for me to get ready for work and day/morning dream of all the clothes and shoes I want and can’t have because I’m broke. Awesome! Hope you all slept better then me, until the next time. Bye Bye

Mind Fucked....

Here is the problem with me. One I’m fully aware of and have tried to contain or keep to a minimal. I find I’m extremely insecure in relationships or when dating someone. It seems that no matter how good something is or appears to be going, I can continue to mind fuck myself into finding the smallest thing and reading so much into it I sometimes ruin great things or cause myself to walk away so that I won’t get hurt even when there is probably not any hidden agendas or anything about to happen as I have tricked my mind into thinking. I have this idea in my head how I want things to be, certain things I want and how I want to be treated or maybe showered with attention. Is this realistic? No, but I can’t help but shake that someone is going to come along and be able to give me all the things I’ve always wanted. Simple gestures are what I am referring to, I’m not referring to being showered with gifts – I’m not a gold digger . I just would like for someone to let me know that they are thinking of me, simple gestures, a quick phone call, a little note, etc. Obviously I am a woman that needs to be reassured when someone I’m dating is still into me. I need confirmation and reassurance. I’ve thought about this several times over the years and have tried to determine the root cause of what makes me this way. I guess it basically all boils down to my ex-husband. Although I never really was in love with him he never showed me much attention or sweet gestures. He did buy me anything I wanted but there was a reason for this. This was his way to keep me in his eyes. He thought if he bought me the things I wanted it would keep me happy when all along all I needed was someone to show me attention with time and love. Obviously there was a reason for this, he was cheating and was not in love with me either. But it’s the only thing I can think of that has caused me to be like this. I don’t remember being this way before my daughter or he and I married. I was always very confident when dating someone and never stressed about why I didn’t hear from them for a few hours or be asked to do something with them at every single moment. Although I have overcome all of my other insecurities that were caused by this relationship I can’t beat this one. Maybe I am not supposed to; however I need to try and control it, keep it to myself without driving me absolutely crazy and doing something I will regret later. . . I’m at a point in my life where I know what I want as far as long term and a relationship and a life, home, and family. However, I am afraid that I am and will ultimately be the one standing in the way of all the things I want. That I will be the one that jeopardizes my future because I can’t let go of this insecurity. How does one get over such insecurity? How can I stop thinking and over thinking so much that I don’t ruin my chances of happiness and love in the future? Day by Day is all I can take it, but even after talking this out (typing) I still find myself worried and convinced that a current situation I am in is going to go bad and end very soon. That this person realizes now is not the time for a relationship for them and that maybe being single is what is needed for them at this time. . . Bottom line, I’m mind fucked.

Layers

I am the type of person that doesn't show all of me, the raw me until I'm comfortable enough. I have a hard time showing when I'm sad or upset because like 'Shrek' says 'i m like an onion with many layers. I don't always reveal all layers until I feel that person can be accepting of me and be there for me. I reach out very rarely and in very small baby steps, but if if on my first small step I am denied its like the first layer suddenly appears and its tough to break through again to the layers I've already exposed. When I reach out it may not be not appear so obvious but if I try twice to reach out and say I'm upset and one ignores it, its a big red flag to me. Deep down I'm emotional, passionate and at times just want someone to listen or even hold me and cry because sometimes i hold it in so much it feels good to be passionate and emotional. I can truly say I have this with my best friend , she is the only person who has ever seen all my layers and I like to think this is why we love each other so much. I see her and she sees me, and that's enough. But she isn't always around and sometimes we need our space so I reach out to someone I thought was ready to see more of me, discover another layer to me, but nothing. Now where do I go from here? How do I proceed with someone that didn't want to hear me be upset or talk it out , someone just to listen. Instead I get nothing and I'm at a loss for words.

Why is Parenting so hard?!

Why is parenting so hard?!I have been trying more than ever to focus on Haleigh, to be more rational to stop and think before acting and it seems when we are at home its better but the moment we get together with a friend there is always a disagreement' somebody said this ,somebody said that-she hurt my feelings, she is rude, and it just goes on and on until I'm completely exhausted mentally. It almost seems the more attention I pay and the more proactive I am I still cant win- I find myself questioning if my child is the root of the problem. Is her defense mechanism going to ruin friendships or relationships. I don't want her to wake up and be thirty and realize she has no childhood friends due to being so defensive her entire adolescence that will effect her later in life. I don't want her to be "like me" in this aspect. I've grown so much as a person but lost so much that could have been salvaged.

I started writing this Friday night after (what seemed to be an exhausting night with Haleigh and her Bff). I was upset that we spent an hour discussing friendships and learning how to love one another for the "good" and "bad," explaining that not one person is exactly the same. Needless to say after we left my heart was still heavy, I left feeling I had done something wrong, that I was lacking in my parenting with Haleigh. Then after a few days and the weekend to pass I finally realized, I'm just too hard on myself and at times with Haleigh. I want her to better than I was, I don't want her to face the problems I did, so sometimes maybe I just coach her a little too much and sometimes forget the comforting is the really the best solution. Come Monday, these girls are 9 and 10, they are merely being girls and this is how it is and I'm sure we have a long road ahead of us. Of course they are back to normal and Bffs again. I think it's hard to remember what I was like at 10, I'm just stepping back and breathing and trying to be a little less hard on myself. I am a good mother and I have great friends around me to remind me of this. However, Parenting is never going to be easy..

I DEFINE ME.

Today I have done a lot of thinking and re-evaluating things/people. I did it; I cut all of my fucking hair off because I can. Because I don’t have to worry about if someone will like it other than me, I don’t have to make anyone content but me.

The first time I said I was going to chop all my hair off and asked for opinions on it from my friends on FB, all responses were NEGATIVE from the majority of my guy friends. . . I was bothered by it last time and couldn’t believe some said that longer hair is better. Girls look prettier with longer hair, not even celebrities look that great with short hair, even the super duper hot ones. . . So I cut it, I took a chance, not for anyone else but for me. It was a bit liberating, I didn’t love it but I didn’t hate it and most of the guys that told me not to do it, liked it, some even loved it. Some stopped talking to me in general.

I’ll be 30 in October, at first I was excited and couldn’t wait. Dirty Thirty, age like fine wine, yadayda and all that bullshit. I was convinced my life was only getting better with age. And not to say that things about me haven’t gotten better, but I don’t know that you would say I’m living the ‘IDEAL ‘life either. But who am I or anyone say what someone’s “IDEAL” Life should be. . . I think what I wanted 3-5 years ago has completely changed within the last 6-12 months. I want things, relationships, work promotions that I’ve never desired before. Yes I sit here and wonder where did all that time go? H will be 10 in September?? I own a house, a car, and have a beautiful daughter and a great job that I think one day could be promising if I continue to work and show that I am not just average. . . But is this my “IDEAL” life?, I think it is somewhat incomplete or I find myself  feeling this way a lot more often as each month goes by and nears crawls to October.

So yet again today, not even really one month from when I just cut my off, I decided to go shorter. I posted pics on FB and again, negative comments from the majority of my guy friends. Some that commented directly and others that privately texted messaged me. This time I was going SHORT Short, no joke SHORT hair. . . Cutting my hair was even more liberating this time around. Not at first, I think I was shocked for the first couple of hours, and in time it may grow on me. But the sheer feeling of liberation was a feeling that I find hard find to explain even now. So back to re-evaluating, I have to ask myself, is my selection in guy friends really that bad. It seems to me that guys prefer longer hair for this reason and that reason and I understand that. Everyone likes something, but my hair does not define me. My hair does not make me prettier when its longer or blonder, or brunette, or natural. Chopping off all my hair will not make me the most hideous person in the world. If it does, than I have a real fucking problem. Guess this means my personality sucks, my individualism is not seen, and everything that I think and know that make me that cute, sexy, funny, loud, obnoxious person is my personality. Yes I do have a nice ass, and yes I do have pretty eyes and a perfect smile but I think those things are only a reflection of who I am on the inside. . . I stand out because I am me, I am not shy anymore, I am not quiet or submissive anymore. I am finally me for once, short hair, big ass, an extra 12 lbs, possibly some medical condition and an insomniac. This is me, even though I don’t always understand myself my personality is what defines me and my beauty and I don’t think I ever really saw that til just today. So back again, I don’t expect all or most of my guy friends to like my short hair, I expect most to hate it. But do me a favor don’t tell ME YOU LIKE ME BETTER WITH LONGER HAIR. Longer hair doesn’t give me sarcasm, longer hair doesn’t make me loud, longer hair does not have anything to do with liking me better. If it does than obviously I need to re-evaluate some friendships established over the years.

I have been asked many times how much it would cost me to shave my head; I use to say no money in the world was enough. But after today, the comments from men, the liberation felt, I’d almost do it just to piss everyone off, to say FUCK you! I’m pretty with long, short, blonde, brunette, natural, wavy, straight hair. Do I maybe appeal more to you with a certain style of hair, I get that. But do me a favor and don’t tell me you like me better with Long hair, I can guarantee you I will not be needing your ‘cliché’ modest friendship any longer.

To short hair and to saying Fuck you to who think I’m better with my hair or anything else that is simply materialistic. I promise I’m still me and always will be, hair does not define me. I DEFINE ME. 

Wonder

I often wonder where would I be?, what would I be doing?, only if I would have done something different.

Don’t we all wonder. What if that one thing you wonder comes back around, gives you a shot. Do you go for it?, or do you let it slip by again?  knowing that one day you will be thinking What would I be doing if I’d only tried that something different?

I often find myself stumbling on my own “what ifs” However my “what ifs” are things that now as I am older would not give up if given the chance.

Life is limitless. You decide to live it to the limit or to live it to the norm, the medium, or the safe. Your life is yours. Not anyone else’s so do what you want to do. Do what makes you happy in life even if it makes no one else happy. Piss off the world, piss off your family, but in the end don’t piss yourself off. Being pissed at yourself is worse than anything else. Most will be more forgiving and understanding but you in the end can never truly get over being pissed at yourself.

So this leads me back to, wonder where I would be? Wonder if you hadn’t have came along? Wonder if I never showed you me? Wonder if…..

Favorite Smell.....

I remembered last night how much Noxema was one of my favorites scents. It reminds me of my granny, it was all she ever used to wash her face. Using it last night reminded me of her and how I need a candle that smells like Noxema . . .
Random tid bit.

Binge

Someone told me not to settle so I
Binge / someone told me I deserved better- yet better hasn't came along in 5 years. Someone told me no regrets - yet where are they standing and how are they feeling ?! Finally someone told me to stop and breathe and as hard as it is I'm trying . To breathe, to forget but not. To not feel bad because I know really where your heart belongs but I can't fight this battle - I deserve better - I deserve one that wants to fight for me- take chances- take risks. Someone told me to just let it go- its not the right time - oh how I'm trying but fuck it's so hard when I know how that someone feels about me even of he doesn't have the courage to speak it out loud. So I repeat to myself: don't settle (like him) have no regrets ( yet somehow try to forget all those memories without thinking of one day where I cant reference you)! I deserve better and stop and breathe . When the Time is right I'll get what I deserve ( even if I'm 60+) I don't want to forget yet that's easier said than done- better.... No settling, and breathe ....

"Ho Hey" by the Lumineers...

this song speaks volumes to me... I'm tired of doing right. I'm tired of living a lonely life. I want to see a family and i do know where you belong and that is with me and you know it too. . . 

"Ho Hey"

(Ho!) I've been trying to do it right
(Hey!) I've been living a lonely life
(Ho!) I've been sleeping here instead
(Hey!)I've been sleeping in my bed,
(Ho!) I've been sleeping in my bed (Hey!)

(Ho!)

(Ho!) So show me family
(Hey!) All the blood that I would bleed
(Ho!) I don't know where I belong
(Hey!) I don't know where I went wrong
(Ho!) But I can write a song (Hey!)

1,2,3 I belong with you, you belong with me you're my sweetheart
I belong with you, you belong with me you're my sweet (Ho!)

(hey!)
(ho!)
(hey!)

(ho!) I don't think you're right for him
(hey!) Look at what it might have been if you
(ho!) Took the bus to china town
(hey!) I've been standing on Canal
(ho!) And Bowery (hey!)
(ho!) And she'd be standing next to me (hey!)

1,2,3 I belong with you you belong with me you're my sweet heart
I belong with you, you belong with me you're my sweet heart

And love we need is now
Let's hope for some
Cause oh, we're bleeding out

I belong with you you belong with me you're my sweet heart
I belong with you you belong with me you're my sweet (Ho!)

(Hey!)
(Ho!)
(Hey!)

Saying Goodbye before the other one speaks it....

knowing something is over before that someone tells you is probably one of the hardest things i've ever had to grasp. its like a hurricane, you know its coming just not quite sure when or where it will strike. i know this has played out until the end and i know i can't beg anymore to become of it, so i say my goodbye before you can say it first. if i write it out before you officially tell me then maybe that goodbye will not be so hard. maybe it will make your goodbye bittersweet and maybe i won't cry.
so as i sit here on my patio with a glass of wine and my laptop, i'm saying goodbye to you. goodbye to the memories that we created and goodbye to something i shared with you that i never shared with anyone before. goodbye to someone i grew to love and goodbye to someone i trust. goodbye tonight and pray that i can be strong when you tell me your goodbye this week. . .Goodbye while standing tall and without any tears, Goodbye with a good luck and goodbye with nothing but happy thoughts for you and for her.
Goodbye my sweet summer love. goodbye to someone that was more than just a summer love, goodbye to shitting timing, goodbye to you. goodbye my love nothing more than simply goodbye.

The Farm 2012

The Farm June 9 2012

When you least expect it and at the most random time in life does one really learn how to be themselves. Whether it be on a farm with thousands of hippies, drugs, alcohol, and only god know what else, does one find themselves. Feel comfortable to walk around in their own skin, to breath, smile, laugh, and dance like it’s the only one you have left. To not think about what’s ahead, nor worry about how or where you might stay. Where one night you get to be you around thousands of people doing exactly what you want to be doing.

There are so many moments in less than an 8 hour span that I would bottle and keep on a shelf if I could. Dances shared, walks to This, That, and What the wrong stage?, to laying in the ground enjoying only one thing around you at that one moment. Sharing little secrets that will always be and only having to share and remember those with that one or several people. . . Making friends, dancing with people you don’t know, walking in the rain, when you are the one person that hates the rain more than anyone they know. When nothing matters, not cold nights, rain, soggy fries, hot ass pizza that burnt your  mouth. Worth every bit of pain the next day or the days to come to recover from sleep deprivation, body aches, emotional withdrawals from the love that was felt from just a few nights being yourself alone at the Roo.

The most unexpected, unplanned weekend on the farm turned out to be the best so far. It will be hard to top The Farm June 9 2012.

Sweet bliss....:

Sitting on the beach sipping on some rum and pineapple Juice smoking up the rays is sweet bliss. It's perfect here- wind blowing so it's not under bearable to be in the sun. Last night me, my sister , and mom and dad sat on the beach for the first time as a family and it was wonderful. It's only day two and I'm having the best time- I'm not a morning person but having breakfast with everyone this morning was awesome- reminded me of being kids when dad use to tell us his stories. He had a silly story to tell us this morning. Everyone is really having. A great time and this whole family vacation is going better than imagine. :) sweet bliss - I now remember why I loved my family so much

My heart to heart with Haleigh

Last night at the beach Haleigh and I had one of our heart to hearts and this one unfortunately broke my heart. She is a mess - she loves her dad so much and me so much at the same time- she still hopes one day we will be together. I made the huge mistake of going to dinner with Haleigh and him. I didn't even eat- I just went because she asked me to. I can tolerate her dad enough so I was simply trying to make her happy when in the end I believe she was so excited to have us 3 together it gave her the wrong idea. She cried in my arms last night and said dinner w us three was one of the best nights of her life. I felt terrible and responsible- I knew better- I was just trying to do what she wanted - later as the night when on after many tears she told me that her dad had told her that night to keep smiling and asking me and I'd eventually go. Now this infuriates me , is he using our daughter to get close to me or be around me or is it the simple fact that maybe he is in the same boat as me and felt that it's what she wanted and he simply wanted to make her happy like me. I know this man and his ways - I'm trying not to be so quick on jumping the gun and say he had other motives but this has been the past with him for 9 years. As I'm growing as a mother and a woman I'm trying and learning that maybe he is trying for her and no one else and with no other reasons behind it, but it's hard to let go of something you have known for so long. Yes I forgave him for all the terrible stuff he did to me and "us" but forgiveness doesn't allow one to forget. I hope he was only trying to do what I was and make her happy and had no thoughts of trying To get closer to me. It breaks my heart each time I have to tell her that mommy will never be back with daddy because it's what she wants . Yet I guess most kids in this situation want this too. 5 years of divorce and it seemed harder and harder for Haleigh to let go of. Maybe it would be easier if I was with someone else and she saw how happy I am with someone . Happiness is never something she saw between me and him. Hoping that Haleigh and I can
Have more heart to hearts this week. I want her to talk to me and trust me and not shut me out the more she is around her dad. Being a single mother is harder emotionally somedays than others ..../

Love @ # 2

Finding it hard to be number two.

After years and years of beating myself up that I was nothing but number one, I found myself next to you, only to be number two, never number one.

Love really is blinding, love really does hurt, especially when you are the one that is not loved back. I love you and lost sight, I love you and lost reality, I love you and lost myself.

Would rather know now than not know at all, that’s what I keep telling myself to make me feel better at the end of the day. Knowing I’m not some other girl, knowing I’m more than I even knew.

Love is just.

Love is needed.

Love is wanted.

Love is heartbreaking.

Love is hard when playing number two. 

Missing

I miss you after I just left you. I'm lonely when you are not near . I'm sad that I can't be with you and miserable the way this situation is . Yet I can't let you go. I need you too much. You are all I've ever wanted and more . I just wish you could see I might be the best for you too . You make me want more. You make me want love, life a family and so much more. You have turned this ice queen into a hopeless romantic

Love

I'm in love with you... I didn't want it to be true but I am. I love you unlike anyone I've ever loved before. I've tried to deny it. But when I'm apart from you I feel it more. Distance makes the heart grow fonder- if that's the case. My heart is about to explode for the first time ever

Want and need

I hate this.
I can't have you. Yet I want no one else .
I haven't done anything all weekend because I wanted to be with you.
I wanted to show
You i am true About me and you. You are not only what I want but what I need. What we need. I hope you see soon how much you need me too as much as I need you

OH Jesus!

Are my thighs fat?!

Today my daughter came home and asked me if I thought her thighs were fat- I looked at her a little dumbfounded- I almost thought she was mocking me. When I asked her why in the world she said that she said someone in school was making fun of her legs! Anyone that has seen her knows she doesn't have an inch of fat on her . It makes me think- is she so self conscious of her legs because she sees and hears me criticize myself so much or are children honestly that damn mean at 9 they are already being critiqued on their looks. This worries me as a mother as I'm sure it would most mothers. I hope my daughter takes my hard work in the gym as something to be proud of but not of something that holds a standard too high for anyone this young.
I am certainly concerned that my 9 year old already has a complex with her body when she is not even of age for her body to even begin the process of developing . As a woman of almost 30 I've struggled with the way I've looked for almost 15 years now- I really don't want my daughter to start obsessing about it now .

vomit.

I feel the vomit rise in my throat when I think of not having you, yet having you seems so unreal.
 my heart races when you are near, and my hands sweat like a 13 year old girl that's never been kissed.
Vomit is what rises because i know i created this mess. This is my fault, why did i do this?  why did i get so close? why didn't i stay away?
vomit? maybe that's the answer, maybe I can vomit you away.

writing in the tub, yes, that's what i said....

You know the worse part about writing is when you can't stop, when you feel like the only time you can breathe is when you write. when you can say what your heart and mind really desires. sitting in a bathtub with a migraine from hell, hangover from love, and too much caffeine, all while sweating like a pig from the heat in the bathroom, trying to not knock the laptop in the tub just so you can get some relief. Just so you can say that you said all that needed to be said, even if no one reads it or ever hears it. my fingers feel relieved and somehow my heart and mind at ease. I really should stop, i know this is dangerous, who seriously sits their laptop on the side of the tub does this? lol This is what I need so this is what I do :) I think i'm almost done now, with my rants. I'm pretty sure tonight i will drug myself so I can sleep and not think. my brain needs an off button or at least a  pause button. it never stops, no matter how hard i try. i swear its a curse . i'm just trying to remember what i ever did so wrong to deserve such an unhealthy curse.
 yep i think that's it. time for some rest. I hope i don't think about any of this tonight. . .

dirty little secrets...

Dirty little secrets,
please tell me yours. . .
we all have them and we all want more. . .
Dirty little secrets,
please come out to play....
the ones that we desire and the ones that we cherish...
Dirty little secrets,
please stop playing with me.

The worst hangover was my hunger for you....

Do you want to know what the worst hangover I've ever had? It's you. The hunger that grows for your companionship that ultimately leaves me hungover.  It's very similar to my other hangovers except yours seems to dwell into the next day and the day after, sometime lingering for a week, and just when the hangover starts to fade away there you are again. Tempting, and teasing me, only giving me a little piece of you, never the whole. It only gets worse and the hangovers only last longer. I get a little bit of you with a whole lot of guilt, remorse, loneliness, and sadness.
When will it stop? When will I be the stronger person? Why am I weak with you? Why are you my drug? Why do the hangovers hurt so damn bad? Why ? Maybe its just because I'm not enough, at least not enough for you. Everyone says I will be for someone one day, yet the days seem longer and the years seem shorter. And the little of you I have I only leaves me wanting more.
I'm not moving too fast. It's always been there, it was always you, but it just wasn't the right time, but neither is now it seems.
I need this hangover to end. It's the mixture of hunger and hangover. Hunger for something that I've wanted for so long, having just a slight taste, to leave a sweet but bitter taste. And the hangover that reminds me that all I had was a bit, a taste, just enough to leave me hurting until the next time. Hangover

A long overdo Rachel's rant...

So here is a little rant of mine. . .
Over the weekend I saw several of my friends make posts on FB about a new bar opened in The Avenue, Bar Louie's and was a little astonished at the way ass adults were behaving. However, I have taken into consideration I'm not at all a huge sports fan, but I do love hockey and support my Nashville Predators, however I am not going to go to a great new place with probably the best service I've had in awhile because the manager wore a Red Wings jersey to the bar on Friday night when the Predators played.
Several people posted that it was the dumbest move a manager could do trying to open a new establishment in this area. How dare him? They will never get any of their money now and they will be sure to tell all of their friends that now state they will not give this new place a try. Here is where I said " this is fucking absurd and the stupidest shit I've ever heard. " I didn't see these posts until after I went there on Sunday for a lunch and cocktail. Everyone there was friendly, the bartenders shook each persons hand that sat down, asked their names then passed the names on to everyone else working behind the bar so they could ask them by name if they needed anything else in case your original bartender was hung up while you needed anything. When we left the bar, the manager got up from his table meeting with employees shook our hands once again, 'called us by our names' and told us thank you for stopping by and hopes we come back" Come on people, I mean what bar or restaurant have you been to in Murfreesboro that does that.Isn't everyone always talking about service, the importance of it, someplace to call home like Cheer's? Well what if this is the place you idiots and yes some of these idiots are my friends, but just like them I'm entitled to my opinion. What if the manager of this new bar is from Detroit, that's his home town, the team he grew up being loyal too? Do you really expect him to stop being loyal to his team? Would you if you had to move out of state that had a new team you didn't grow up investing time and dedication too change your team just because of where you live? I think not, at least not Predators' fans or even Titans for that fact (no matter how bad they get each season)
So my rant is "Is dedication to a team going to affect everything in your life, from where you eat, to where you shop, to where you socialize? Come on people get over it! Everyone should be able to root for whatever team they want, and just because it's not "OUR" team does not give us the right to boycott somewhere that I think may have some of the best service in town. So suck on that. . .

4:15

Something so exciting yet something on dangerous territory.
Not only is it against everything I believe, I have found myself in this place where I can't stop. And I don't want to stop. I don't want to be this person, I'm not bad, I just have found something in the one place I never would have thought and now it consumes me. Ex6ited to wake up, excited to feel that feeling that I was not sure even existed inside of me. So here I am at 4:15 wide awake, can't sleep because I'm too damn excited and anxious. It probably had something to do with the dream and that you were in it. It's like you are always there but at a distance, never close enough to grab and take hold of... not mine for the taking yet wanting you so bad.
This madness has to stop, I'm like a little girl, sweaty palms, tingly stomach, nervous to make the wrong move. What has happened to me? Where is this strong woman I've been writing about for so damn long? You make me weak, which may be my strongest strength.Finally knowing that there is a part of me that does exist and maybe I'm not destined to be alone for the rest of eternity. Even if this excitement has to end, at leas t I know now that I am capable of feeling and wanting someone. I didn't ask for this and never meant for it to happen, but as cliche as it is. Things happen when you least expect them and at times that may not always be the easiest to understand.

Defeated....

Why is it that every time a good thing comes along it never seems to be at a right time?

How does one honestly know when a good time is? How does one stop and make the decision if this is a sign or a slight infatuation?

What make any good thing come at a bad time? If it’s a good thing why is it a bad time? How does one differentiate?

It feels like not many good things happen in my life but when something good does come along it never seems to work out for me. Whether its life in general or love…..

Why does it have to be so hard? I know nothing of importance is easy but damn, why now? Because I’m finally happy with me? I finally know who I am . . . why why now? Is all I have to ask. . .

Desperately seeking an answer to something I’m sure will not favor me in the end but I need to know. Am I crazy? Is this stupid? Or is this real?

It feels real, unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. It somehow is the best and the worse feeling at the same and I’m lost. . .

I feel like I’m wandering around and don’t know where to go. Actually I know where I want to go but can’t. Certain factors don’t allow me to go where my heart desires. . . I’m honestly not sure how much longer I can hold on…

An independent woman that’s heart is in all the right and wrong places at the same time…

Defeated….

from the CooKoo lady :)

a few months back I hit an emotionally a low period in my life. i struggled with sleep, i struggled with work, i struggled with food, i struggled with all relationships. i had lost my drive, i had finally hit the bottom of something that was probably a long time coming. all i wanted to do was lay in my bed and sleep or watch tv. i not only neglected myself but noticed i had began to neglect my daughter and work.

 i'm not sure the the exact day i hit rock bottom but i remember calling my best friend and just cried - hysterically before I called her. I had no idea why i was crying, i felt alone, i felt lost, and i felt abandoned (but i don't know by who) Lost cause is what i felt like. i even remember reaching out to my sister that same weekend which is something i don't do, but we went had lunch and it felt good to talk to her about how i was feeling, my views on life, my views on depression and medicine, and my views on faith and religion. i'm very thankful my sister and best friend were there for me that day.

 after that weekend i decided that i couldn't fix myself. i have tried for years to make it better, to not need medicine, telling myself that i didn't need meds to make me feel normal. i struggled for years about anti-depressants, and i think mainly because i was put on them at such a young age due to various things that had happened in my life that caused me to need them, but once i hit a certain age i stopped taking them and assumed i was cured. depression runs in my family and even  though for years i said it was all in their head today i seem to see things a little bit more clearer. my grandmother is bi-polar, my mother and sister both suffer from depression and for years i would say everyone that w as on anti-depressants had issues that they should have worked out in their head, they caused their illness, they caused this ridiculousness. my mother hated to hear my talk about it and it saddened her because she knew that slowly it was eating away at me.

 i've had a lot of curve balls thrown at my over the years that most would never know about but my mother saw it and i was blinded by my own stubbornness. After my weekend meltdown and a few nights of severe anxiety attacks i went to the dr. There was one night i had such a severe anxiety attack i thought i was having a heart attack. it scared the shit out of me, enough to get my ass to the dr. After questioning and testing i rated a little over the normal expectancy for depression, at this point  i wasn't shocked. more less scared, scared to accept i had this and that the only way for me to overcome it was to take medicine i had for so many years put down and ridiculed people about. i had just became a statistic, a percentage. After my first month i saw changes, it was shocking to me that after just 4 weeks on a low dosage i became to feel like the rachel i lost a really long time ago and maybe one i never knew that existed. almost 8 weeks in now on a little higher dosage i still feel better, my sleeping is still not the best but insomnia is another thing that happens to be an issue with me.

so why do i write this? why do i tell whoever it is that reads my blog? why not? talking about it, writing about it, releases some stress for me.this is who i am. i want no pity or expect to be given any. i honestly would rather not talk about it, only write about it, lol.  i am not ashamed as before, this was yet another small chapter in this 'so called life of rachel'. i'm more proud today of who i am, what i've accomplished and what my future holds than i ever have been and if that is due to anti-depressants than i proudly say thank you and raise my glass (cheers)  and hope that if anyone ever felt the way i felt and somehow came across my blog that maybe it could make a decision a little easier hearing from the person that had the same doubts would be awesome. ive always been a huge walking contradiction but for the first time i changed something about me and it was probably the smartest thing i could have done for me and for my daughter.

29+ please apply .....

So it's no big secret anymore that I am on dating sites. As I once was ashamed of this let's be honest, how the hell am I suppose to meet a man? The bar? ha yeah right, been there, done that, didn't really turn out the way I thought it would. . . Most of my friends "lets restate" all of my friends are married or seeing someone and all their friends are hitched up too!!!! How is this FAIR??? lol I don't know that I am seeking a serious relationship as I still struggle with the fact that maybe I'm not the type of woman that will ever be in a real relationship, however I am looking to date someone. I don't want to date numerous men, I'd like to find just one person that makes me laugh and I have fun around, whether it be sitting on the couch doing absolutely nothing or going out. I'm not at all high maintenance. Here is my dilemma! I only attract young guys, I mean come the fuck on! If you are 23 or 24 do you seriously think a WOMAN yes I said it WOMAN would want to be with a boy. Being of age to drink does not make you a man. Granted I will say there are some young guys out there that do have their shit together, but really guys? Almost 30 with an almost 10 year old daughter. Do you really want to go there? I'm trying not to be judgemental but I mean for crying out loud are there no men my age that are decent that would like to date me? Why does every 20-25 year old seem so interested in a WOMAN with a kid that does not party on the weekends? I'm not going to be your Sugar Momma and I'm not going to be an easy piece of ASS. It seems that the younger guys seem more opt to date a woman that has a child than a guy my own age, Why is this? Is it that the younger generation is use to young girls being knocked up and having kids early?? I just can't seem to wrap my head around it. So here is me screaming! YOUNGINGS leave me the FUCK alone! It would be different if I looked their age but honestly I look my age, I look about 30 and I definitely do not act like 20s. I'm in bed by 9 every night. Exciting huh?!

Sad little girl why do you cry?

Sometimes loneliness hurts more, I never seem to understand why it consumes me so much but as months Go by I truly miss the affection of someone , the laughter shared between two people. It's been over a year if not longer since companionship has came my way. The past few weeks it has really brought me down. It hurts , it sucks, and I'm tired of feeling like I'm some lost cause that has lost her chance at happiness. All my friends are married or too damn young for me to be hanging out with. Sometimes I wonder if it's the companionship I miss or just the feeling of knowing that someone wants me, someone that desires me, someone who thinks I'm awesome just for being me. Maybe I'm just not dateable . I don't know where else to look- when not looking infer nothing yet when searching I still come up empty handed . Honestly I'm tired of being alone, I'm tired of not having someone special to share me with

Kimbra - "Settle Down" [Official Music Video]