Battles & Struggles

Tonight was one of those nights filled with restlessness and a constant battle of tossing and turning and trying to make the wheels inside my head stop. For the first time in what seems like a very long time I lost it on H’s dad tonight. Any that knows me or knows me well enough knows the hassle that he has given me for years, basically since the divorce. There were times in between where he was normal and seemed like he might just be turning himself around, but over and over again he shows himself to be a truly lost person and not a good hearted man at all. My H has struggled and strived for his acceptance for years, at times getting enough to hold her by, but just when she seems to have gotten a hold of enough of him to make her feel adequate enough for him to spend time with, he remarries (without telling her) then two weeks later discloses the secret that he will be having another child. Caring for this man is not something I can do. Many many moons ago when I was young, naïve, and had lost myself I hung onto him, I clung to him (as I see clinging now by fingertips). However, my attachment to him was neither love nor any sentiment that could ever be compared to holding someone close to your heart. I was lost, I had lost myself. I stayed because I was scared, because I did want to do the right things, and because I thought that H would be enough for him to change his ways. I knew I wasn’t and understood that. I know now that wasn’t even what I wanted. I wanted H to grow up with a mother and a father. One she deserved and one she could be proud of (mother and father). But things got bad and I could see that not only was I not me, my child was not herself. So I left, after several beatings to the head physically and mentally I left. It seems like it took years for me to recover, for me to find myself back to me. Not sure I had ever really knew who I was. I battled constantly over becoming strong, not showing weakness, and with being a mother and had built up so much hatred over years, some even before the EX and it consumed me, it ate at me mentally and physically at times. Some people, lets change that most people have no idea the struggles and battles I went to war with just against myself. It seems that up until just this year I finally found me. That I am comfortable with the woman I have grown into and even now it saddens me that I have not been on my A game or even B game at the truth for H and that is what hurts. Because although I knew I wanted her to have at least one parent she could be proud of, it seems that it took me almost 5 years to recover myself. 5 years of her life for her mommy to figure out where she stood in life and as her mother. This child has always deserved so much better than me but now that my eyes open I am more thankful than I could ever be that H is mine, she is my air, she is my strength, she is the one that who has made me the woman I am today. Not me, not my struggles, not my own emotional battles that I have overcome; it is H that has saved me. Where is this coming from and why does this have me restless and not able to sleep? After 5 years I went back to the Child Support office to have things automated with Child Support because every week it’s a struggle and hassle to get her father to pay a mere $100 for child support. Which is way less than the original agreement and the fact that I also keep up with the insurance. But when I think about it, I wouldn’t want him to the be the one responsible for keeping insurance on H, he isn’t reliable and who knows when another job is going to bite the dust with him. Needless to say he found out today that I had filled with the Child Support Office to get what is rightfully H’s (not mine, but hers) I don’t want to receive anything from him anymore than child support which helps take care of her. He called first to say he knew, and tried to play it off calmly that he wasn’t mad, but I know this man and I know him better than I think he knows himself. I could hear the anger in his voice. And I knew when I did this, he was going to try and bully me to back off and not go through the Courts like he has done so many times. But finally my strength is enough I will not let him bully me any longer. I am not scared of him, he cannot hurt me. His words will not scare me from doing what H needs me to do. The conversation continued and of course he started to tell me that I wouldn’t get more money, in fact I would get less than $400 a month from him which is what I might get now if he pays on time. I tried to tell him its not about the money, it’s the fact that I am done asking 5 times in 3 days when I’m getting money to put in my bank. When is it convenient for him and his new wife to give money for H. It is not a priority on his list. As awful as it sounds H has never been his priority and it hurts me even more to say that she more than likely never will be. And this is what breaks my heart for my daughter. H. had also been having some stomach issues for about a month now, or perhaps it has been going on since she found out her daddy was having another baby. However, these stomach issues only seem to arise when she is with them for the weekend. It consumes her and she doesn’t seem to understand why she only feels this way with them. Again the breaking of my heart for her cannot be described through words on a paper. Her new step mom decided to talk to her about anxiety and nervousness and even if she did not mean it H took in a way that something was medically wrong with her and that by seeing a DR and giving her medicine would be a way to treat it. Once again let me state that whether the step mom meant this or not, this is not something she should have talked to H about. It should have been her dad or me. Needless to say H and I talked about it for about 30 minutes the prior night she returned from a weekend with them, which again was filled with stomachaches and pains. H said she felt she really needed to go to the Dr. I know H better than most, she is mine, inside and out (this is no denying) I can see when she is sick or when she is troubled and last night I saw a troubled young 10 year old confused by words from a new step mom that somehow made her feel that “she” was the problem. This is how I know that I am a better woman than years ago. Years ago I would have blew up on her, but two nights ago I tried to discuss with H “maybe what she meant” and explain why H would be feeling these things. Of course when I go to talk to Mike about it the next morning in his bullshit, condescending tone he acts as if he is on my side, that his wife should not have discussed this with H. Times like these I ask myself why I even bothered bringing it to his attention, because ultimately he does not care. He wants to sound like he does, and act as if he does but his actions always show otherwise. So back to where I started, the conversation went from me getting worked up at him by the tone in his voice and the way he was trying to convince me how going through the courts was only going to hurt me. Like him giving me $100 a week is a blessing and I am messing that up by going to the Child Support Office. Again, anyone that knows this man knows this is who he is. Always trying to push anyone or me around for that matter. However, I’m done. I was telling him that I had took H to the DR and said her exam was great, she looks great, no blockages he can feel and her stomach sounds like a normal 10 year old girl’s stomach with normal bowels. At this point I had lost it (yes this I am ashamed to say) he got to me, and I was yelling at this time that H was fine, that the problem was with Him and his new wife, and how they needed to help H feel more comfortable and more at ease and then he lost it. Like always calling me the “stupid bitch” and telling me that I am the reason H is scared to do anything or be herself. That I am the one that has made her so self-conscious she is constantly trying to appease someone. That was it. My breaking point had been breaking, I yelled, I cursed, I screamed at how much I hated him and how I hope to God that he is a better dad to this new baby than what he has been to H because he has been nothing but a disappointment to that child and she still holds hope that one day he will be the Dad she wants and needs. I hang up the phone. I run upstairs to immediately address the situation with H (thankfully she had been in the shower and only caught the end of it which was me telling him to go to hell). For this I feel awful, I am the rock, I am her foundation and I lost it and even though I may not like him, she loves him, whole heartedly with his good and all of his bad because that’s what a daughter does. H and I discussed a lot last night and I told her some things that maybe I should not have, but I feel that she is getting older that some things she needs to know. I have allowed him to put me down for years in front of her, trying to prove that I am the bigger person by never saying a word or the truth about the things he does or lies about when it comes to her. H is my world and I feel that every day, every year we grow together and I hope in time she comes to me with everything (I feel she already is starting to feel a bond between us and feels she can talk to me about most things) but no daughter is going to always tell her mother the truth. This I know. I felt H and I ended things on a good note; I apologized from the bottom of my heart to H and told her I would even apologize to her dad for the name calling and yelling at him to prove to her I am the bigger person but I just lost it. I am human, it does not make it right and I honestly do feel remorse about it, because this is not who I am anymore, I do not scream and yell and feel hatred for people, but he won last night. He finally wore me down enough where I snapped, so yes he won. But he will not win this battle of child support, I am not backing down and I will not allow him to bully me any longer. I know where I stand as a mother and I know where I stand with my daughter, I don’t need his approval nor want to ever hear his thoughts on it. She is with me 6 days a week, day and night except on his weekends, he has no idea our schedule, our routine, the way we live our lives. I did admit to H last night that when she gets older I hope she does not want to be with a man like her father. It’s so true; I think my heart would forever break if she ever wound up where I did all those years ago with a man like him. I told her that they type of man she needs will be a man like her grandfather (my dad) or like Greg. I explained how these men are established, have worked hard for what they have, show women respect, take care of a home, family, and live a normal routine life. That is what H deserves. No girl wants to hear that her dad is not a prize, and maybe I shouldn’t have opened that box so soon with her but everyday it scares me, scares me that she will one day love a man like her dad, unstable, emotional mess, never knowing where he is going and more than likely never ending up where he thought he was supposed to be. So needless to say this had me restless last night. Restless that I am still upset with myself for letting him get under my skin, for allowing him to push me to a limit I thought I was pass. I am pass it, but last night I felt I had a voice and wanted him to HEAR Me about what he is doing to H and how I am tired of it. She deserves so much more. However, on a side note and a much better one, Greg was here after and he just let me lie in his lap and talk about it. He listened, not knowing what to say (not knowing he didn’t need to say anything) that him being there was more than enough. He seemed to have calmed me down and made me feel better just with his presence. This is what makes me feel like I have to be the luckiest woman to have met him and for him to be in my life and H’s. I was very reluctant to talk to Greg about what had happened not 10 minutes before we walked in the door, but the minute I put my head down on him and he rubbed my back, it was instantaneous how the words flew from my mouth discussing the situation. He is the man I want H to look up to along with any good man including my father. Although Greg made me feel better, I still struggled all night playing it over and over in my head the things I said to him. How could I have let him get me there? Ashamed that I lost it. But it is over now and hopefully this, these words on this paper will put my heart and head at ease.