I DEFINE ME.

Today I have done a lot of thinking and re-evaluating things/people. I did it; I cut all of my fucking hair off because I can. Because I don’t have to worry about if someone will like it other than me, I don’t have to make anyone content but me.

The first time I said I was going to chop all my hair off and asked for opinions on it from my friends on FB, all responses were NEGATIVE from the majority of my guy friends. . . I was bothered by it last time and couldn’t believe some said that longer hair is better. Girls look prettier with longer hair, not even celebrities look that great with short hair, even the super duper hot ones. . . So I cut it, I took a chance, not for anyone else but for me. It was a bit liberating, I didn’t love it but I didn’t hate it and most of the guys that told me not to do it, liked it, some even loved it. Some stopped talking to me in general.

I’ll be 30 in October, at first I was excited and couldn’t wait. Dirty Thirty, age like fine wine, yadayda and all that bullshit. I was convinced my life was only getting better with age. And not to say that things about me haven’t gotten better, but I don’t know that you would say I’m living the ‘IDEAL ‘life either. But who am I or anyone say what someone’s “IDEAL” Life should be. . . I think what I wanted 3-5 years ago has completely changed within the last 6-12 months. I want things, relationships, work promotions that I’ve never desired before. Yes I sit here and wonder where did all that time go? H will be 10 in September?? I own a house, a car, and have a beautiful daughter and a great job that I think one day could be promising if I continue to work and show that I am not just average. . . But is this my “IDEAL” life?, I think it is somewhat incomplete or I find myself  feeling this way a lot more often as each month goes by and nears crawls to October.

So yet again today, not even really one month from when I just cut my off, I decided to go shorter. I posted pics on FB and again, negative comments from the majority of my guy friends. Some that commented directly and others that privately texted messaged me. This time I was going SHORT Short, no joke SHORT hair. . . Cutting my hair was even more liberating this time around. Not at first, I think I was shocked for the first couple of hours, and in time it may grow on me. But the sheer feeling of liberation was a feeling that I find hard find to explain even now. So back to re-evaluating, I have to ask myself, is my selection in guy friends really that bad. It seems to me that guys prefer longer hair for this reason and that reason and I understand that. Everyone likes something, but my hair does not define me. My hair does not make me prettier when its longer or blonder, or brunette, or natural. Chopping off all my hair will not make me the most hideous person in the world. If it does, than I have a real fucking problem. Guess this means my personality sucks, my individualism is not seen, and everything that I think and know that make me that cute, sexy, funny, loud, obnoxious person is my personality. Yes I do have a nice ass, and yes I do have pretty eyes and a perfect smile but I think those things are only a reflection of who I am on the inside. . . I stand out because I am me, I am not shy anymore, I am not quiet or submissive anymore. I am finally me for once, short hair, big ass, an extra 12 lbs, possibly some medical condition and an insomniac. This is me, even though I don’t always understand myself my personality is what defines me and my beauty and I don’t think I ever really saw that til just today. So back again, I don’t expect all or most of my guy friends to like my short hair, I expect most to hate it. But do me a favor don’t tell ME YOU LIKE ME BETTER WITH LONGER HAIR. Longer hair doesn’t give me sarcasm, longer hair doesn’t make me loud, longer hair does not have anything to do with liking me better. If it does than obviously I need to re-evaluate some friendships established over the years.

I have been asked many times how much it would cost me to shave my head; I use to say no money in the world was enough. But after today, the comments from men, the liberation felt, I’d almost do it just to piss everyone off, to say FUCK you! I’m pretty with long, short, blonde, brunette, natural, wavy, straight hair. Do I maybe appeal more to you with a certain style of hair, I get that. But do me a favor and don’t tell me you like me better with Long hair, I can guarantee you I will not be needing your ‘cliché’ modest friendship any longer.

To short hair and to saying Fuck you to who think I’m better with my hair or anything else that is simply materialistic. I promise I’m still me and always will be, hair does not define me. I DEFINE ME.