Last night at the beach Haleigh and I had one of our heart to hearts and this one unfortunately broke my heart. She is a mess - she loves her dad so much and me so much at the same time- she still hopes one day we will be together. I made the huge mistake of going to dinner with Haleigh and him. I didn't even eat- I just went because she asked me to. I can tolerate her dad enough so I was simply trying to make her happy when in the end I believe she was so excited to have us 3 together it gave her the wrong idea. She cried in my arms last night and said dinner w us three was one of the best nights of her life. I felt terrible and responsible- I knew better- I was just trying to do what she wanted - later as the night when on after many tears she told me that her dad had told her that night to keep smiling and asking me and I'd eventually go. Now this infuriates me , is he using our daughter to get close to me or be around me or is it the simple fact that maybe he is in the same boat as me and felt that it's what she wanted and he simply wanted to make her happy like me. I know this man and his ways - I'm trying not to be so quick on jumping the gun and say he had other motives but this has been the past with him for 9 years. As I'm growing as a mother and a woman I'm trying and learning that maybe he is trying for her and no one else and with no other reasons behind it, but it's hard to let go of something you have known for so long. Yes I forgave him for all the terrible stuff he did to me and "us" but forgiveness doesn't allow one to forget. I hope he was only trying to do what I was and make her happy and had no thoughts of trying To get closer to me. It breaks my heart each time I have to tell her that mommy will never be back with daddy because it's what she wants . Yet I guess most kids in this situation want this too. 5 years of divorce and it seemed harder and harder for Haleigh to let go of. Maybe it would be easier if I was with someone else and she saw how happy I am with someone . Happiness is never something she saw between me and him. Hoping that Haleigh and I can
Have more heart to hearts this week. I want her to talk to me and trust me and not shut me out the more she is around her dad. Being a single mother is harder emotionally somedays than others ..../
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