Last night I dreamt that my bf Leslie and I rode on a stork to Vegas and a bald eagle was chasing us because it wanted my bath mat I had in my lap. I had to throw it in the sky for the eagle to leave us alone. Once the stork landed Les and I then had to get on a jet ski with all of our baggage to get to the strip in Vegas where we passed pirates on a boat that was lit up...
Hmmm wonder what this dream could mean???
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Somedays
Somedays are just easier
Somedays just make sense
Other days seem meaningless
And every other day I feel lost.
Time will tell,
Time will heal,
When the hell will this time come?
Lost in translation somewhere between here and there
A heart that feels empty, feels no love, feels no joy, and feels no remorse.
Somedays I wonder if it’s possible that I’m not even human.
A sense of lonliness yet consumed by something else but not knowing what that else is.
Somedays I wonder,
Somedays I hope
Someday is one day and that’s all I’ve got on this particular day.
Somedays just make sense
Other days seem meaningless
And every other day I feel lost.
Time will tell,
Time will heal,
When the hell will this time come?
Lost in translation somewhere between here and there
A heart that feels empty, feels no love, feels no joy, and feels no remorse.
Somedays I wonder if it’s possible that I’m not even human.
A sense of lonliness yet consumed by something else but not knowing what that else is.
Somedays I wonder,
Somedays I hope
Someday is one day and that’s all I’ve got on this particular day.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Life as we know it...
As a perfectionist, I am particular about the type of man that I talk to much less date. On a dating site I met one guy that only stood out because of his city, Lubbock, TX Where my best friend resides and probably will for awhile. I recently took a trip there and met with Mr. Lubbock (as we will call him). Officially we met on this ridiculous free dating site that stated he was from Lubbock moving to Nashville so I struck up a conversation. We talked maybe twice and I got off the ridiculous site for so many obvious reasons if anyone actually reads my blog. I knew I was headed to TX in about a week so I signed back up on this site to see if he was still there ( cause I am always up for meeting new people) just to say hey I'll be in Lubbock from so and so til then I got off the site. He messaged me when I woke up Friday morning, and I was skeptical about meeting him that night, but after meeting him it was an instant connection. We clicked, granted I click with alot of people but this was different. It wasn't some regular JOE that I met in some bar around town or a guy I had met in general around town. We just clicked n it was awesome. One night, one chemistry, one mysterious meeting between two complete strangers I think both left us thinking this wasn't a coincidence that we met online and met up was for a reason. Overall he met all specifications but I ran from it all the minute I sobered up and realized that bottom line he lived in TX and I lived in TN. A week back and I can't stop thinking about this one TX man that made an impression, an impression that is hard to capture, and not only want to be back with my Best Friend but to see him again. Call me Crazy, but anyone that knows me, knows this is not in my norm. . . .
Please forgive me , this post is after a few glasses of wine. . .
Please forgive me , this post is after a few glasses of wine. . .
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
A little bit of me.. (unedited of course)
I know that I may not be a size two or even a girl with big tits but I do promise you one thing I am a girl with a big personality. Even though you may be as fine as an abercombie model your IQ and profession have not have me impressed. Although at times I do get a bit sidetracked with your killer abs, perfect jaw line and the size of your arms when I really take a moment to think about it, I'm really just too good for you. I am more than an image, I represent an image for women who take a stand on being loud and opinionated yet still somehow managing to be attractive at the same time. I'm ok with just me, flat chest and big ass and a mouth like a sailor. I laugh at myself and have a blast with people that I can actually be myself around. Ones where I don't have to have a drink before being me and constantly smiling throughout the night. I told a close friend tonight that all I really want to do is to have one column in one tiny magazine. I hated to say as cliche as it sounds I want to be like a Carrie from Sex and the City. The experiences I encounter and the pleasures I endure should not be held secret, but open to the public. But the question is how? How do I become the columnist that didn't go to school for journalism or ever really take any journalism classes. I guess for now I"ll just keep dreaming one day someone is going to read this fucking UNEDITED blog and be like "she is fucking real and amazing" but until then I will continue to do as I do and work on the career that I have and always hold on to the one I secretly want to desperately bad :)
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Endless
Endless moments of thoughts on nothingness,
A brain that never stops, nor halts at any red signs
A heart that is spurting along on nothing more than little fumes
A soul that is lost with no direction to turn
Endless nights of thoughts on nothingness
A mind that is too tired to even realize its own sanity, yet too constant to ever stop.
A million words and thousands of different scenarios fills this nonstop brain which in the end troubles the heart that is almost on empty.
Indiscretions and Promiscuity only help the lost soul loose hindsight of any direction that may have ever been in the distance.
Too many ‘what ifs’ and ‘what the hell were you thinking’ keeps the tired mind struggling to ever find peace.
Endless moments on endless nights with never ending thoughts and a desperately seeking heart that needs to be revived.
A brain that never stops, nor halts at any red signs
A heart that is spurting along on nothing more than little fumes
A soul that is lost with no direction to turn
Endless nights of thoughts on nothingness
A mind that is too tired to even realize its own sanity, yet too constant to ever stop.
A million words and thousands of different scenarios fills this nonstop brain which in the end troubles the heart that is almost on empty.
Indiscretions and Promiscuity only help the lost soul loose hindsight of any direction that may have ever been in the distance.
Too many ‘what ifs’ and ‘what the hell were you thinking’ keeps the tired mind struggling to ever find peace.
Endless moments on endless nights with never ending thoughts and a desperately seeking heart that needs to be revived.
Where is the WOW?
Where is the WOW?
It seems that I can’t find that WOW factor, you know the one where you are just knocked off your feet, where your breathe is taken away for a brief moment in time, when all you can think about is that one thing or person that made you WOW.
Where is my WOW?
Is it possible for a person to over abuse the WOW factor and this is what’s happened to me? Was I too careless and had too many WOWS?
I have to admit that one point in my life it seemed like everyday I was getting WOW’d.
WOW’d at the bars, WOW’d at the stores, and of course way too many WOW’s for a lot of really UN-WOW Worthy men.
Is there a WOW God and he has decided to revoke my privileges? I’m beginning to think so, maybe it’s a conspiracy and I’m the main target. I haven’t been WOW’d in years, not by anything, of course I’ve had a few minor WOW’S shopping but nothing that has knocked me on my ass, really blown me away, weak in the knees mumbo jumbo shit.
Where is the WOW?
WOW God please bring it back in my life, I’m feeling like I’m running in circles and making careless mistakes all because I can’t find a WOW.
S.O.S WOW GOD! Rachel needs her WOW factor back. . . .
It seems that I can’t find that WOW factor, you know the one where you are just knocked off your feet, where your breathe is taken away for a brief moment in time, when all you can think about is that one thing or person that made you WOW.
Where is my WOW?
Is it possible for a person to over abuse the WOW factor and this is what’s happened to me? Was I too careless and had too many WOWS?
I have to admit that one point in my life it seemed like everyday I was getting WOW’d.
WOW’d at the bars, WOW’d at the stores, and of course way too many WOW’s for a lot of really UN-WOW Worthy men.
Is there a WOW God and he has decided to revoke my privileges? I’m beginning to think so, maybe it’s a conspiracy and I’m the main target. I haven’t been WOW’d in years, not by anything, of course I’ve had a few minor WOW’S shopping but nothing that has knocked me on my ass, really blown me away, weak in the knees mumbo jumbo shit.
Where is the WOW?
WOW God please bring it back in my life, I’m feeling like I’m running in circles and making careless mistakes all because I can’t find a WOW.
S.O.S WOW GOD! Rachel needs her WOW factor back. . . .
Sunday, May 8, 2011
I know...
I don’t know what I would say, or what I would do if I finally ever really met you.
I have you all figured out and know you as well as I know myself.
I know we will only fight when absolutely necessary and you will always give me what I want.
I know you will always open the car door and any door for me no matter where.
I know you will help me with the dishes and even cook sometimes because I’m not that great.
I know you will help me with the house work and always mow the yard.
I know that we will be able to sit on the front porch and not say a word yet feel something magical just by being together.
I know that you will make my heart flutter; I know you will be at least 6 feet tall.
I know you will have some meat on your bones, preferably muscle and I also know that you will never lay a finger on me.
I know that you will help me with my struggles and love me for my independence.
I know that you will be aggravated by my receptiveness but I also know this is why you will love me even more.
I know that you will love me as crazy as I may be and I know that you will love my daughter as much as you love me if not more.
I know that one day I will find you and I can just be me.
I know that you will tolerate my filthy mouth and bitchy attitude.
I know that you will not judge me because I am lost in my faith and where it will or is suppose to go.
I know that you will always stay on your side of the bed except when I say its ok to snuggle.
I know that you will know how to make me feel comfortable in my skin and make me laugh everyday.
I know that you will support me and my decisions 100%.
I know that whoever you are, where ever you are, one day I’ll find you even if I’m 90.
I know that loneliness does not consume me but not searching seems to scare me.
I know when you are not searching you find what you want, but yet I feel how will you ever find what I truly want if I don’t search at least a tiny bit.
I know not searching is killing me
I have you all figured out and know you as well as I know myself.
I know we will only fight when absolutely necessary and you will always give me what I want.
I know you will always open the car door and any door for me no matter where.
I know you will help me with the dishes and even cook sometimes because I’m not that great.
I know you will help me with the house work and always mow the yard.
I know that we will be able to sit on the front porch and not say a word yet feel something magical just by being together.
I know that you will make my heart flutter; I know you will be at least 6 feet tall.
I know you will have some meat on your bones, preferably muscle and I also know that you will never lay a finger on me.
I know that you will help me with my struggles and love me for my independence.
I know that you will be aggravated by my receptiveness but I also know this is why you will love me even more.
I know that you will love me as crazy as I may be and I know that you will love my daughter as much as you love me if not more.
I know that one day I will find you and I can just be me.
I know that you will tolerate my filthy mouth and bitchy attitude.
I know that you will not judge me because I am lost in my faith and where it will or is suppose to go.
I know that you will always stay on your side of the bed except when I say its ok to snuggle.
I know that you will know how to make me feel comfortable in my skin and make me laugh everyday.
I know that you will support me and my decisions 100%.
I know that whoever you are, where ever you are, one day I’ll find you even if I’m 90.
I know that loneliness does not consume me but not searching seems to scare me.
I know when you are not searching you find what you want, but yet I feel how will you ever find what I truly want if I don’t search at least a tiny bit.
I know not searching is killing me
Monday, May 2, 2011
Running
She is always on the run. Running from something yet not knowing what that something is. Struggling to stay on the surface yet wanting to sink to the bottom where no one can find her. Drowning her misery in booze and pills. Raging with anger, tormented by her own soul. She feels so alone in this world surrounded by so many people, but who are these people, people she knows, or strangers who just come across her path. She wanders down the winding road only hoping that someone will pass her by, not knowing what she is looking for yet still hanging on to hope that something is coming. She lies to herself, to her daughter, and mainly to her friends. She does not know what happiness means, she is bitter toward the world and bitter toward herself for the choices she made and the choices she now lives with. Scars from within, scars on the surface, scars that lie deeper than any should ever experience. Sleepless nights are driving her crazy. So tired, but can’t sleep no matter how hard she tries. She says she is not looking; yet she searches everywhere she can. Empty handed is where she is. Tired and angry. Bitter and cold, acting out in destruction hoping for some sort of light. She drinks it away and everyone loves her but at the end of the night she doesn’t even know this person they all love. Pills give her the energy, the little boost to make her get up; the drinking drowns all the things she doesn’t want to think about. She will always be on the run, nothing can stop her, yet always running against the wind.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Fucking Mockingbird
In love with an idea of something that can never be
Little mockingbird swinging in the tree
That little mockingbird never did sing and I never did get that diamond ring.
That looking glass broke the minute I touched it, what the fuck I’m I going to do with a Billy goat?
Rover was a dog that derived from a cart and bull that would not pull, Rover couldn’t bark because his voice box was shot, which got me a horse and a cart, which I constantly stumbled over for years.
Then here comes the sweetest little boy in town, who took my flower and now my sanity,
Next thing I know I’m fucking sitting here singing this GD song all because of some stupid ass mockingbird.
Little mockingbird swinging in the tree
That little mockingbird never did sing and I never did get that diamond ring.
That looking glass broke the minute I touched it, what the fuck I’m I going to do with a Billy goat?
Rover was a dog that derived from a cart and bull that would not pull, Rover couldn’t bark because his voice box was shot, which got me a horse and a cart, which I constantly stumbled over for years.
Then here comes the sweetest little boy in town, who took my flower and now my sanity,
Next thing I know I’m fucking sitting here singing this GD song all because of some stupid ass mockingbird.
Struggling.
When will I ever get it? You know, that motherly instinct? Fuck I'm almost 30 and still don't have it. I'm screwed and I feel awful for my daughter. Is my daughter my world? Yes of course she is, I don't know who I would be without her. Although this doesn't mean that I'm not constantly wondering who I would have been without her, where I would be, and if I would be completely happy with no life without her. Am I completely happy today with her in my world? I can't say that I am. I love her to death, O how I love her, but it's just not for me. Does this make me a bad person to feel this way? I'm afraid I resent her, when it was my choice to keep her, so shouldn't I be resenting myself and not this child that had no say in the situation. I struggle so often with finding a way to be a mom, a good mom, a caring mom, and I do good for awhile but then I always seem to get lost again. I am not a woman that wants to be tied down, I want to do what I want to do when I want to, and this urge only gets worse with my age. The older I get, the more on the go I want to be. The more free I feel I need to be. But I can't and at times it makes me angry and tired and just want to lie in the bed and sleep. This is a touchy subject and one that I normally would not share but who the fuck really reads my blog anyways. No one that I am aware of. My heart is heavy, my mind is constantly going, and my daughter is only growing up more and more each day and I'm afraid if I don't get the grasp of this shit soon she is going to despise me when she gets older and resent me for having her. She has a shitty dad who is never around and a mother who never wanted to be a mom. I feel like an awful person most days, and no one around me would know. If I could run away I would but I can't and I wouldn't. She deserves so much more. So here I'll stay struggling to be something I should have never been, hoping and praying that one day she will forgive me for being such an unaffectionate mother and love me just for me.
Dear God?
I have to say that I see alot of reaching out to God by people only when times seem to be rough. Am I to say that I have not done this in the past? No, I am just as guilty as anyone, however as I struggle with my faith, religion, and everything else going on in this world I do notice more people reaching for God when they need something. Am I a church going person? No I am not, do I feel bad about this? No I do not, however from what I do understand from "avid church goers" is that you don't ask for guidance only when things are bad, or when you are at the end of your rope. You are to constantly ask for guidance, pray to him, ask for forgiveness, not just when its convenient to you. I saw this on a few people's facebook statuses today, and no one i'm close to, just a few acquaintances and it irritated me. So here I am doing what I do best, placing it onto paper, telling the world that if you are going to have a faith and say you believe in God stop making your FB statuses about God when it's bad, make them about God everyday if this is truly what you believe in. Just saying.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Just when....
Just when you begin to think someone is interested in you, a curveball is thrown and you realize that maybe they are not so interested. I have to say that I honestly believe that if someone is into you they will make any effort possible to see you or take you out. I understand things come up, but if a party get picked over me then I have to say I guess it's safe to say that person is not interested or that interested and I should probably move on. I do get wanting to go to a party with a bunch of people you have known way longer than you have known me, and I can't say I wouldn't do the same. However, if was really into or thought I was going to be really into that person, I would probably go out with that person rather than a party. But ya know. . . that's just me. It's funny how books can open your perspective on things and help you realize that sometimes "He is just not that into you" Ha
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Bob Marley
He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.
— Bob Marley (via things-that-sparkle)
— Bob Marley (via things-that-sparkle)
Saturday, March 26, 2011
random
Would you believe me if I told you that I have no soul? Would you still like me if you knew how much I didn’t care? Can you handle the fact that I may never love again and have no intention of ever loving you? Is it awful that I don’t want to cuddle and I don’t want to be loved on? Is it unbearable that I do not want you in my bed at night? Is it unfair to someone that I like sleeping alone, that I like doing most things alone? Is it awful of me to take advantage of a nice guy and not feel bad about it when I have nothing to offer in return? Heartless? Hopeless? Absolutely happy with my confinement, is all that I am.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
So last night I was approached online through message by a 6'11 man. His profile picture was him standing in a mirror with a stand up tanning bed in the background at a local gym I go to with his shirt off. His message to me was Do I like photography? My first thought was, what a fucking meathead. Like seriously you big ass bald headed ape, why don't you have some pictures on here with some clothes on, Can you even find any to fit your tall ass? Granted this man was not fat, very in shape, but the fact that his message to me was about photography was enough to just make me roll my eyes and just laugh since previously I had blogged about men and photography. So I played along and I'm not sure if he picked up the cynicism in the message back but I said "Why do you want to take my picture." Well of course the big dumb ape comes back with Yes; of course, I'm just looking for people who are also interested in photography. I said nothing back, ten minutes later I get another message that said " Do you have any tall photographer friends" this is when I about flipped my shit, like dude are you fucking serious, like you can't seriously believe this shit is working in your favor. I already hope that if I ever see him at the gym I have the opportunity to shake this shit out of him and tell him to pull it together man. I replied back, "yes my closest male friend is a photographer for Big Machine Records." Needless to say I have not heard back from the meathead and I am not at all disappointed in this. Just because you snap a few pictures of girls or whatever does not make you a fucking photographer you fucking idiots. I am finding more and more everyday men that are shirtless in all pictures or a guitar as a prop and every male's profession is musician or photographer, or both. Like fuck me silly, two things I constantly run from put together. I'd rather have someone beat me in my head. Granted most of these men don't know how to be a profession photographer or know how to play a complete song on the guitar but good try guys and just an FYI this isn't what women are really into these days. Bankers, writers, lawyers, doctors, REAL artists, not someone who can hold a camera and say cheese or string a little note on a guitar. Til the next stupid message I receive. . .
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Secretly stepping online.....
Why do men think the picture in the mirror with your shirt off is appealing?
If the only pictures you have to post for people to view are you taking them, this is also on the unappealing factor.
I don’t necessarily want to see you with a shirt off; no matter how good you may think your body looks or how good it does look. Might I add that just because you think you look good with your shirt off, 8 out of 10 times men are wrong. It is like they have permanent beer goggles on staring at themselves in the bathroom.
Why does every man have a guitar and want to be a musician or a photographer?
Almost all men play the guitar and there are two types of men I will never trust and that is a musician and a photographer. Call me crazy or say I have some insecurity issues but I can tell you that these two types of men are normally always cheaters or never completely faithful, never going to be emotionally available or just straight up Fucking Weirdos! The musician wants to play his song for you, the song that was written just for you. Guess what ladies, I’m sure that song wasn’t for you and will be the same song for the next. Photographers always want to take a picture of you, why? Can’t you see I have perfectly fine pictures already? I’m not a model or trying to be and your cheesy line will never win this chick over. I don’t want you to take my picture because I won’t be the first and definitely not the last.
Why do men read a profile and always find a way to say we have so many things in common, I’m like well no shit. Sherlock. My interests are most every NORMAL person’s interest, don’t feel SPECIAL you fucking idiot.
Some may ask where this is coming from and it is coming from some place I never thought I would step foot in but an online dating forum. I have to say that I never took it serious but removed myself from Facebook so me being the social networking whore that I am I was bored and created a profile. I do not think you can find love online, however once online I don’t know whether to laugh or feel sorry for so many people out there looking for love. Yes finding it is hard, but good things come to those that wait, right? I’ll probably be the only 60 year old woman still blogging about how she is waiting for Mr. Right to come scoop her up, but fuck it. As online, I have to say there are tons out there trying sooo hard to find someone to share their life with. So desperate they dispose of everything immediately and put their whole heart into their profiles. Then you have the guys out there looking to cheat, or just for sex. However, I have read soo many profiles that I think there are a lot out there that are genuine guys that are desperately lonely. Am I saying that I am not desperately lonely at times? Hell to the No. I’ll be the first to admit that Loneliness sneaks up on me from time to time and I just have to pull it together and not let it consume me. However I am also the type of person that doesn’t really know if a Long Term Relationship will ever be something I am good at or something that I want. If it is not my way, on my terms, or exactly how I want it I ignore it and normally wind up loosing something that would have been great for me, if I wouldn’t have been so damn selfish. Yet again I don’t see anything wrong with this. I think I should be able to pick when and why I want to be with someone without hurting their feelings, buuuuut I don’t like this done to me, so double standard. Maybe and only MAYBE if I do meet that someone my views on relationships will change. Right now I’m just blown away by all the sad lonely people looking for love online. I don’t really know where else you are suppose to look for love if you don’t go to church, or if you don’t go out socially. I agree it’s hard to meet people. I have a handful of people that I’ve been hanging with for 10 years now and the same men (friends) have been in my life, so I get that part. I am just not sure if online is where it’s at. Yes I know, some will say they found love online and couldn’t be happier, but I still don’t get it. Just doesn’t seem right. However I must say this online stuff has made me laugh my ass off numerous times at the shit men will say to try and get your attention. And that I was right, that there is a fuck load of freaks in this world.
That’s it for now….
If the only pictures you have to post for people to view are you taking them, this is also on the unappealing factor.
I don’t necessarily want to see you with a shirt off; no matter how good you may think your body looks or how good it does look. Might I add that just because you think you look good with your shirt off, 8 out of 10 times men are wrong. It is like they have permanent beer goggles on staring at themselves in the bathroom.
Why does every man have a guitar and want to be a musician or a photographer?
Almost all men play the guitar and there are two types of men I will never trust and that is a musician and a photographer. Call me crazy or say I have some insecurity issues but I can tell you that these two types of men are normally always cheaters or never completely faithful, never going to be emotionally available or just straight up Fucking Weirdos! The musician wants to play his song for you, the song that was written just for you. Guess what ladies, I’m sure that song wasn’t for you and will be the same song for the next. Photographers always want to take a picture of you, why? Can’t you see I have perfectly fine pictures already? I’m not a model or trying to be and your cheesy line will never win this chick over. I don’t want you to take my picture because I won’t be the first and definitely not the last.
Why do men read a profile and always find a way to say we have so many things in common, I’m like well no shit. Sherlock. My interests are most every NORMAL person’s interest, don’t feel SPECIAL you fucking idiot.
Some may ask where this is coming from and it is coming from some place I never thought I would step foot in but an online dating forum. I have to say that I never took it serious but removed myself from Facebook so me being the social networking whore that I am I was bored and created a profile. I do not think you can find love online, however once online I don’t know whether to laugh or feel sorry for so many people out there looking for love. Yes finding it is hard, but good things come to those that wait, right? I’ll probably be the only 60 year old woman still blogging about how she is waiting for Mr. Right to come scoop her up, but fuck it. As online, I have to say there are tons out there trying sooo hard to find someone to share their life with. So desperate they dispose of everything immediately and put their whole heart into their profiles. Then you have the guys out there looking to cheat, or just for sex. However, I have read soo many profiles that I think there are a lot out there that are genuine guys that are desperately lonely. Am I saying that I am not desperately lonely at times? Hell to the No. I’ll be the first to admit that Loneliness sneaks up on me from time to time and I just have to pull it together and not let it consume me. However I am also the type of person that doesn’t really know if a Long Term Relationship will ever be something I am good at or something that I want. If it is not my way, on my terms, or exactly how I want it I ignore it and normally wind up loosing something that would have been great for me, if I wouldn’t have been so damn selfish. Yet again I don’t see anything wrong with this. I think I should be able to pick when and why I want to be with someone without hurting their feelings, buuuuut I don’t like this done to me, so double standard. Maybe and only MAYBE if I do meet that someone my views on relationships will change. Right now I’m just blown away by all the sad lonely people looking for love online. I don’t really know where else you are suppose to look for love if you don’t go to church, or if you don’t go out socially. I agree it’s hard to meet people. I have a handful of people that I’ve been hanging with for 10 years now and the same men (friends) have been in my life, so I get that part. I am just not sure if online is where it’s at. Yes I know, some will say they found love online and couldn’t be happier, but I still don’t get it. Just doesn’t seem right. However I must say this online stuff has made me laugh my ass off numerous times at the shit men will say to try and get your attention. And that I was right, that there is a fuck load of freaks in this world.
That’s it for now….
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Women
This is not a topic I’ve ever written about but thought about it many times in my life. Women, why do some never grow up? Why do some love drama so much they drag it out into their adult years? Why? Someone please explain this to me, this could be a reason why I have always had more guy friends than girls, because there is never any drama with men. Men don’t give a shit if you don’t come to their birthday lunch, or if you couldn’t get a sitter to hang out with them. Men don’t care, yes in a relationship this could hurt things but in a friendship it’s wonderful. I have never had a guy friend get mad at my over something soo silly and small. I have never once had a man question my friendship, availabity to our friendship, or ask why I seem so distant. However, with women and not all women but some that I have came across in my life or that I have viewed on the outside without even knowing a woman can tell that she is drama filled. A woman that is never satisfied and something is always wrong and wants to point out all the wrong in everyone else but themselves are women I don’t want to associate with. I have had a few failed friendships within the past two years with women that hurt me deeply and I have decided I’m not going to go out of my way for friends that are just “barely there” friends. I want someone that cares about me and what’s going on with me, not someone who only wants to spill their guts to me about their problems and talk shit about everyone they know to me. I don’t want to be apart of it. If you don’t like someone than you don’t like someone, but do not share it with other people that may be that person’s friends. What type of friend are you to put that one friend in a position to be stuck in the middle? Is that fair? I see women do this a lot and any time I see myself doing this I try very hard to catch myself and think. Then I keep quiet or I write about it. I do not want to bitch to another woman about a friend of ours that is out of place or I am having issues with because this is not fair to anyone involved. I also find many women that hide in their misery. Ever been around a woman that maybe didn’t like the woman beside them or what they were doing and make a snide rude comment instead of directing that snide rude comment at the person they seem to have a problem with? What the fuck women? Come on?! How old are we, if you don’t like me or what I wear or what I say then keep it to your fucking self! It’s not cute, it’s not funny, and in the end you look like the child. Am I innocent in all of the flaws that women have being friends with other women? HELL NO, but I am the first to admit my flaws when it comes to relationships with other women! Bottom line, I don’t like them, I’m not good at them, and I’ve been done so shitty by other women I find it best not to make new friendships with women, this way in the long run I can get my ass handed back to me. Nothing to loose, I struggle with this and sometimes find myself asking questions as to why I even still associate myself with some women that I thought were my friends. Because the minute I do not do what they think is right, or what they want me to do, or what they think I should be able to do I get nasty looks, rude comments (not at me) and conversations about me being talked behind my back by other women in the group!? I mean what the fuck is really going on? I am just happy to like the women I work with, to have a job, family, friends, house, a car, and so much more, why would I want to concentrate on the negative? I did for years and I was miserable. I know some just can’t get out of a rut, but don’t bring others down because you are and don’t assume that you know what’s sincere and what’s not sincere. If you always looking over your shoulder maybe that should tell you that the problem is you, maybe you are too paranoid that someone is out to get you. Maybe don’t set your expectations so high for someone that you know can’t return what you expect. However, be honest with yourself. If you constantly find yourself talking about others and their problems, maybe the problems you and you just don’t want to admit it. Women that do this, please work harder to not do this. It’s not attractive and not appealing to women like me that already have a hard enough time being friends with other women. You only make it easier for us not to care and make us not want to get any closer than we have to, to you.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Maroon 5 - If I Fell [Live] (The Beatles Cover)
I have to say, I was told to look this song up today by someone that I have no relationship with, but my heart melted and fluttered a million times. I have to say at I wish it would have meant something from the person it came from but I know it was nothing but just a simple gesture that he knew my love for Maroon 5.
sperm
So tonight I get an interesting call from the man I call the sperm donor of my beautiful child. Never mind the fact that we were once married. I only married him because he planted a seed inside of me that turned into a baby, therefore, sperm donor, dumbass, loser, dipshit, gave me the best laugh tonight that I could have ever asked for.
It begins with a text,
Sperm Donor “I need to talk to you about the doctors”
Me as rolling my eyes and sighing “What Drs?” as I’m thinking you fucking dumbass
Sperm Donor “My doctors”
At that moment I had an AHA MOMENT. I just knew he was going to have some off the wall shit to tell me. Like always and for those that are not familiar with the infamous sperm donor’s little stories they are always entertaining and always provide for a good laugh. For some reason he seems to think I am a complete utter dumbass. I can only think that he thinks I am such a dumbass because 1 I let him put it in me 2 because I was DUMB enough to marry his stupid ass. Anyways he always has these stories to make himself feel better about being a complete waste of space in this world. So as I finish up with the gym I already know that he is going to tell me. That he has went to the doctor and now has an incurable disease and is likely going to die and this is why he can’t work or do anything else productive in his life.
Phone conversation begins and the bullshit starts . . . .
Sperm Donor “I went to the doctors to get my lithium refilled and they checked my blood count, because they have to when you’re on lithium.” (Might I add, you are soo fucked up at 30 and even before that you are soo bipolar and you have been on lithium for years and are a complete psycho without it- need I remind you the hell he put me through for years without it) so my blood count was high. Your normal blood count is like 1500 and mine was like 3500. It was triple. So this automatically assumes that it has to be cancer. They advise me that it is either leukemia, another type of cancer (at this time I am trying very hard not to laugh) or Hodgkin’s disease.
Me: “Well. Ok. You should pray for yourself” (because personally I am not going to pray for your ass. I gave that up about a year ago hoping you would find JESUS and become a decent person)
Sperm Donor “ So I went in at 9 this morning and they took some more blood to run some more tests, I had to wait UNTIL 4 THIS AFTERNOON WITH THE RESULTS. I’m sitting around thinking that I’m going to die, I know they are just going to call me and tell that I am going to die. So I get a call round noon today say to come in at 4 I go in expecting them to tell me I’m dying, but they told me that it is not cancer or Hodgkin’s disease. I was relieved but now they don’t know what I have (here comes the incurable disease I was telling you I had already figured out through one dumbass text message) So now they thinking it could be from my lithium intake and are going to test that, but my great grandmother died from the same thing. She died from Bleeding to death on the inside.”
Me “yes that is what Hodgkin’s disease does to one person”
Sperm Donor “no she didn’t have Hodgkin’s, they never found out what she had and she died bleeding to death on the inside.
Me “really, well”
Sperm donor “ so I’ve been bleeding for months in my gums (did I mention that he got $8000 veneers put in a few years ago WHEN HE WASN’T PAYING ME CHILD SUPPORT) and I haven’t told anyone because I didn’t think anything about it but now with my blood palate so high (yes he said blood palate) and my gums bleeding so much they are very concerned. I have to go in all day tomorrow to have more tests run. I feel that I needed to tell you this because you are my daughter’s mother and you should have the right to know. But if they cannot figure out what is wrong with me in 3 months I will have to go into the hospital and they will have to explode my veins (I’m thinking, hmmm veins exploding, not sure why a doctor would do this, but ok, pretty sure this is what happens at the last few stages of Hodgkin’s disease but he seems to be so adamant about it, I keep quiet) and then they will have to give me a blood palate transfusion (hmm blood palate transfusion, wouldn’t that just be a blood transfusion? But I say nothing and just sit there). I’m scared to death Rachel, I have no idea what is going on with me and I’m terrified.
Me “Sorry, hope they figure it out.
Conversation ends.
As many of you are reading you probably all think I’m some cruel heartless bitch and that I should not be reacting this way to my child’s father, well most of you do not know what hell I have gone through with this man and many of you will say even with all the hell that he has put you through, you wish bad things on him. I wouldn’t say I wish bad things upon Sperm Donor; however, he has made his bed and needs to deal with the consequences. I forgave him a long time ago for all the shit and hell he put me through and all the horrible things he did to me physically and mentally, but I will never forgive him for being a shitty worthless piece of shit dad to my beautiful daughter who doesn’t deserve this. I can’t tell you how many times she asks me “Why does daddy not have a job?” Why does daddy not have his own house” Why does he promise me stuff and it never happens” What happened to his car” numerous questions of disappointment that I have had to hear from my 8 year old because he is 30 and can’t get his shit together. Yes everyone makes me mistakes and you always have a chance to come back from them. If he never did anything else right in his life not breaking promises to her would be enough for me, but time over and over he continues to fuck with this little innocent girl because he doesn’t know how to grow the fuck up. I’m left sitting here telling her how much I love her and I don’t have the questions to these answers, how I wish I did but I don’t and she may never have them either. So as I end this I don’t really give a shit what any of you think of me. Some quotes say “don’t judge someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes” but my quote is “don’t judge me until you have had the shit walked out of you a million times by someone that couldn’t walk a mile without you.”
In conclusion, let me say that there is probably and I’m almost certain 90% sure that there is really nothing wrong with him. This is just another way for the Sperm Donor to get some attention. Yes at 30 he still goes to these extremes. And if he is dying form an incurable disease then all I have to say is, well I hope you made the best of it.
It begins with a text,
Sperm Donor “I need to talk to you about the doctors”
Me as rolling my eyes and sighing “What Drs?” as I’m thinking you fucking dumbass
Sperm Donor “My doctors”
At that moment I had an AHA MOMENT. I just knew he was going to have some off the wall shit to tell me. Like always and for those that are not familiar with the infamous sperm donor’s little stories they are always entertaining and always provide for a good laugh. For some reason he seems to think I am a complete utter dumbass. I can only think that he thinks I am such a dumbass because 1 I let him put it in me 2 because I was DUMB enough to marry his stupid ass. Anyways he always has these stories to make himself feel better about being a complete waste of space in this world. So as I finish up with the gym I already know that he is going to tell me. That he has went to the doctor and now has an incurable disease and is likely going to die and this is why he can’t work or do anything else productive in his life.
Phone conversation begins and the bullshit starts . . . .
Sperm Donor “I went to the doctors to get my lithium refilled and they checked my blood count, because they have to when you’re on lithium.” (Might I add, you are soo fucked up at 30 and even before that you are soo bipolar and you have been on lithium for years and are a complete psycho without it- need I remind you the hell he put me through for years without it) so my blood count was high. Your normal blood count is like 1500 and mine was like 3500. It was triple. So this automatically assumes that it has to be cancer. They advise me that it is either leukemia, another type of cancer (at this time I am trying very hard not to laugh) or Hodgkin’s disease.
Me: “Well. Ok. You should pray for yourself” (because personally I am not going to pray for your ass. I gave that up about a year ago hoping you would find JESUS and become a decent person)
Sperm Donor “ So I went in at 9 this morning and they took some more blood to run some more tests, I had to wait UNTIL 4 THIS AFTERNOON WITH THE RESULTS. I’m sitting around thinking that I’m going to die, I know they are just going to call me and tell that I am going to die. So I get a call round noon today say to come in at 4 I go in expecting them to tell me I’m dying, but they told me that it is not cancer or Hodgkin’s disease. I was relieved but now they don’t know what I have (here comes the incurable disease I was telling you I had already figured out through one dumbass text message) So now they thinking it could be from my lithium intake and are going to test that, but my great grandmother died from the same thing. She died from Bleeding to death on the inside.”
Me “yes that is what Hodgkin’s disease does to one person”
Sperm Donor “no she didn’t have Hodgkin’s, they never found out what she had and she died bleeding to death on the inside.
Me “really, well”
Sperm donor “ so I’ve been bleeding for months in my gums (did I mention that he got $8000 veneers put in a few years ago WHEN HE WASN’T PAYING ME CHILD SUPPORT) and I haven’t told anyone because I didn’t think anything about it but now with my blood palate so high (yes he said blood palate) and my gums bleeding so much they are very concerned. I have to go in all day tomorrow to have more tests run. I feel that I needed to tell you this because you are my daughter’s mother and you should have the right to know. But if they cannot figure out what is wrong with me in 3 months I will have to go into the hospital and they will have to explode my veins (I’m thinking, hmmm veins exploding, not sure why a doctor would do this, but ok, pretty sure this is what happens at the last few stages of Hodgkin’s disease but he seems to be so adamant about it, I keep quiet) and then they will have to give me a blood palate transfusion (hmm blood palate transfusion, wouldn’t that just be a blood transfusion? But I say nothing and just sit there). I’m scared to death Rachel, I have no idea what is going on with me and I’m terrified.
Me “Sorry, hope they figure it out.
Conversation ends.
As many of you are reading you probably all think I’m some cruel heartless bitch and that I should not be reacting this way to my child’s father, well most of you do not know what hell I have gone through with this man and many of you will say even with all the hell that he has put you through, you wish bad things on him. I wouldn’t say I wish bad things upon Sperm Donor; however, he has made his bed and needs to deal with the consequences. I forgave him a long time ago for all the shit and hell he put me through and all the horrible things he did to me physically and mentally, but I will never forgive him for being a shitty worthless piece of shit dad to my beautiful daughter who doesn’t deserve this. I can’t tell you how many times she asks me “Why does daddy not have a job?” Why does daddy not have his own house” Why does he promise me stuff and it never happens” What happened to his car” numerous questions of disappointment that I have had to hear from my 8 year old because he is 30 and can’t get his shit together. Yes everyone makes me mistakes and you always have a chance to come back from them. If he never did anything else right in his life not breaking promises to her would be enough for me, but time over and over he continues to fuck with this little innocent girl because he doesn’t know how to grow the fuck up. I’m left sitting here telling her how much I love her and I don’t have the questions to these answers, how I wish I did but I don’t and she may never have them either. So as I end this I don’t really give a shit what any of you think of me. Some quotes say “don’t judge someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes” but my quote is “don’t judge me until you have had the shit walked out of you a million times by someone that couldn’t walk a mile without you.”
In conclusion, let me say that there is probably and I’m almost certain 90% sure that there is really nothing wrong with him. This is just another way for the Sperm Donor to get some attention. Yes at 30 he still goes to these extremes. And if he is dying form an incurable disease then all I have to say is, well I hope you made the best of it.
Trying to hold my composure
Right now I want to scream and shake the shit out of my ex husband. Normally when you divorce someone you are done with their bullshit, correct? Not in my case. Yes we have a child together, however he does not have much to do with her. He tries to make all his friends think he is some great father but I know and my baby girl is slowly learning too. He has not asked me for her ssn because he claims he got a life insurance policy for her that his uncle paid for all the children. If this is the biggest load of shit then I don’t know what is. I don’t know why he wants her ssn, but I am sure the hell not going to give it to him. He is up to something I can smell it. She has had the flu and been sick 3 times this year and he doesn’t even know about it. He doesn’t know that I am sending her to the school counselor once a week because this poor child is stressed out and confused about her father. He doesn’t know that I am seeking professional help for her because she is going to need it the rest of her life to deal with his lying ass. I am blogging so I do not explode on his ass. The last thing he told me on the phone was “ this is about Her Rachel, that’s it” this is when I had to hang up the phone or I was going to say “wtf do you know about her, do you know that she is getting her RPE put back in her mouth and being sedated, did you know she had a stomach bug today, or the flu a fucking week ago. Did you know that she cries about you all the time and that she wants to know why she got stuck with a liar as a father” but I didn’t I hung up and ended the call. I have to be the bigger person, however this does not mean I will not blog about it. I will also be posting a blog of a conversation we had about a month ago just to show what a fucking dumbass I have to deal with. God I know I have cursed in this blog but I am begging you to please remove this man from my life and my daughter’s life. Without him we will be better.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
work in progress. i plan to revise this
She saw a fuzzy little light coming from the closet. She wasn’t scared, but something surely wasn’t right. Her momma would never let her in the bed so she betters “suck it up” and not be afraid, exactly what momma would have said. However something just wasn’t right tonight. She had been having nightmares for about a week now and would wake up confused and not know where she was; now she was waking up in the same fog except this time to a fuzzy haunting little light. Closing her eyes tightly and squeezing her knees to her chest as tight as they would get, taking deep breathes, surely this would pass. Momma wasn’t going to wake up, she never did. She was always drugged because that was the only way momma ever got any sleep. Momma was a tough one and had taught her the same, but tonight this toughness was going nowhere but straight to her chest. Then a soft whistle came from the fuzzy little light and a small blast of cold air brushed her small cheek. She was unsure how much longer this toughness would prevail.
Finally the anxiety had to stop. She threw her legs over the side of her bed, looked toward momma’s room but heard nothing, not even a snore. Once again she looked, weighing the odds, however neither one out weighed the other so to the light she began. With each step she felt colder and trembles began to rise, her feet like ice and heart fluttering like a hummingbird. As she reached for the door a pain shot through her arm and stillness surrounded her from that moment forward. As she looked back she saw momma looking all around her room, searching for her, crying desperately and full of fear. Momma knew that something was wrong. As she tried to step back to show momma where she was, she could not move, time was still, darkness surrounded her and Death was just behind her. Starting to wonder about where she was and why she couldn’t go back, she began to weep but her tears were not of water, but a deep dark red that stained her face until the pool of redness was at her feet. Stepping back, she no longer felt her chest, she no longer felt scared, yet had no idea if she was really feeling anything at all.
Momma now sat in her bed, crying and screaming only to find that little bottle of pills that helped momma sleep, the pills that kept momma tough, and the pills that always kept momma from comforting her when a fuzzy little light appeared.
She remembered now as she looked at the puddle of red tears, as she looked Death in the eyes and at one last moment she saw momma too, through the crack of the door. Then through the mirror she found herself hung from the shower where she had stopped to look for the light. The light that was reflected from her nightlight reflected off of the mirror onto the shower curtain. She remembered now she took a few of those pills of mommas to make her just as tough, just to get through one single night without any nightmares since no one was there for comfort. And as she reached for the fuzzy little light she slipped and fell, except that light caught her and there she hung.
Finally the anxiety had to stop. She threw her legs over the side of her bed, looked toward momma’s room but heard nothing, not even a snore. Once again she looked, weighing the odds, however neither one out weighed the other so to the light she began. With each step she felt colder and trembles began to rise, her feet like ice and heart fluttering like a hummingbird. As she reached for the door a pain shot through her arm and stillness surrounded her from that moment forward. As she looked back she saw momma looking all around her room, searching for her, crying desperately and full of fear. Momma knew that something was wrong. As she tried to step back to show momma where she was, she could not move, time was still, darkness surrounded her and Death was just behind her. Starting to wonder about where she was and why she couldn’t go back, she began to weep but her tears were not of water, but a deep dark red that stained her face until the pool of redness was at her feet. Stepping back, she no longer felt her chest, she no longer felt scared, yet had no idea if she was really feeling anything at all.
Momma now sat in her bed, crying and screaming only to find that little bottle of pills that helped momma sleep, the pills that kept momma tough, and the pills that always kept momma from comforting her when a fuzzy little light appeared.
She remembered now as she looked at the puddle of red tears, as she looked Death in the eyes and at one last moment she saw momma too, through the crack of the door. Then through the mirror she found herself hung from the shower where she had stopped to look for the light. The light that was reflected from her nightlight reflected off of the mirror onto the shower curtain. She remembered now she took a few of those pills of mommas to make her just as tough, just to get through one single night without any nightmares since no one was there for comfort. And as she reached for the fuzzy little light she slipped and fell, except that light caught her and there she hung.
Dear God I'm at your Mercy
Dear God, tonight I beg you to give me strength for my daughter. She is only 8 and struggling with some things that a normal 8 year old should not deal with. Dear God please give me the strength to not kill this man that is called her father. She has been crying for days and maybe even weeks about her dad. She wants to know why he lies to her, she wants to know why he is never in the same place and she wants to know why he will never change. Dear God please tell me what I am suppose to say to her. She loves him so much because he is her father, but it seems the older he gets the worse he becomes and falls short every year. She is hurting so bad God and I don't have the answers. I want to take the pain away from her, but I don't know how. She said she hates her life and this kills me. She is 8 she shouldn't feel this way. I try so hard as mother to give her everything I possibly can, but I will never be able to give her the love that she wants so bad from her father. I've asked her to lean on me God and asked her to please talk to me about these things because if she continues to hold these burdens in she is going to be miserable and act out in a way that is not who she is. She is a good child God but she is lost and hurt. Her dad has lied to her for so long and now she is realizing what he has done she is angry with him but at the same time wants him to change. But God I know he is never going to change, he is 30 and only becomes more of a failure each year. I beg you God to somehow give my baby girl a peace about this and not let it tear and wear her down like its doing now. I'm seeking guidance in the school counselor and maybe looking elsewhere but I feel like I'm at your mercy now and I am begging you to help me with this. She is my life, my heart, and my soul and seeing her like this is killing me. I know this is not my fault I know this, but God please help me to help her understand that I cannot control him and that I love her more than anything in this world.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
My Shit! My Quote! No one else's
“don’t judge me until you have had the shit walked out of you a million times by someone that couldn’t have walked a mile without you.”
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Stand In Please lol
Is it strange that I want a wedding? haha I don't really want to married part, at least not yet, but I do want a big o wedding with a beautiful dress, with an immaculate cake and a bomb ass reception. I want to dance all night in a big beautiful dress that is just for me and have all my friends and family around for my wedding. However I don't want the marriage, even stranger. Would someone like to be my Fake Stand In Husband for the Night?! hahahahaha strange. I've really been watching too much: david tutera my fair wedding on the WE network. I just thought of this and wanted to blog about it. Random and stupid but this is what you get for any of you out there that might actually read this bullshit. LOL
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Dazed and Confused God vs Higher Power or Other???
So after making it almost 3 weeks I didn't quite make it without alcohol for a full 4 weeks, or going out on a date, or keeping up with my devotionals. However one thing I have kept up with is exercising and eating well. However, this has never really been a problem for me. I have lost 6 lbs. and would like to loose about 5 more lbs and get some lean muscle going on. Everytime I think that I know where I am going or where I need to be going a wise friend of mine makes me open my eyes with some great quotes and emails. I am sometimes afraid that what if I don't necessarily believe in God but believe in him because that is what is taught and drilled into my head. I feel mine more than others over the past ten years as my father is a preacher and my mother the wife of a preacher and a true believer in the word. Except I'm not so sure I've ever believed in Him really and Ive never had the guts to say it out loud, only thinking it to myself. I feel that if I don't have Him to look forward to what the hell am I on this Earth for. I have many friends who say they believe in a "higher power" and I have fought this on the tooth and nail each time but I am not really sure why I have for so long. At times I felt that without the strength of God I would not be where I am in my life now, but what if it was just a higher power. Things I continue to struggle with and I am not sure when I will ever figure all this out. But Christians sure seem to think you need to realize now before its too late and He does come back and you can't go live the good life with him. I don't want to be left behind. I accepted Jesus into my life about 6 years ago but I am not sure I ever really felt this Holy Spirit that everyone talks about feeling. I am afraid I was in such a bad place in my life I longed so much to have that feeling, but I am not sure I ever got there. Which brings me to my most recent information I have been given by my friend, word from Ghandi. I have to say I don't know much about Ghandi, beliefs, or anything that revolves around him, however everything that I have been searching for Ghandi had already said and I didn't even know it. “Constant development is the law of life, and a man who always tries to maintain his dogmas in order to appear consistent drives himself into a false position.” Have I been driving myself into a false position, at times Yes would be the answer. And yet another thing my friend says to me "When we say, “I have to listen to my heart and do whatever the heart says,” we can very easily misguide ourselves because the language of the heart we are listening to is polluted by desires. But if the mind is purified and devotion and dispassion are attained, then the heart tells the truth. The mind doesn’t want any discipline; it always makes excuses to avoid it. So most people say, “I have to listen to my heart,” and they stop their efforts to purify their minds. In this way they trick themselves and can’t progress in their spiritual life." This alone has set me on a mind fuck. My last post was all about trying to follow something, mainly my heart yet this here says this is just an excuse. It is my mind that I have to get right. Well for the love of everything HOLY can someone please tell me how to do this. My mind needs discipline, it needs purification. HOW? I scream.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Reflection
I wish that I could take away the anger and the attitude that I deal with on a daily basis. I find myself getting angry over the smallest things. I don't want to say I have a bad attitude but that my attitude is not the best most of the time. Last night at the gym I got so upset with this woman that was on a machine that I needed. I waited patiently for about 10 minutes then my blood started to boil because I know she saw me waiting there and could have easily asked if I wanted to do my sets as she took a break (which is what I would have done and have done numerous times) however she continued, finally after 15 minutes I storm off, pissed and cursing under my breath. I don't know why I tick this way and why something so small such as this would make me want to implode on someone. This is only one example. I fear so much that I am going to become this angry person, yet another reason why I have devoted myself to 4 weeks of just myself. It's day 4 and I have read a devotional each day and reading a daily verse, however I do not still moved but I am not giving up. It has only been 4 days, this 4 week discovery will probably turn into a lifetime of discovery. I have done very well on my new diet for the past 4 days and I have gotten back into my workout routine after being off for 2 weeks. I know this is a process and I feel that if I find Him, he can help me release this anger and soothe my attitude. He has to be the one in control, He has to be the one driving, and I have to sit in the passenger seat and keep my mouth shut. I am just so anxious to have that one moment with Him that I hear others say they have where I hear Him, feel His presence and know that He has not given up on me and will give me the guidance I need so bad.
Monday, January 3, 2011
New Year, New Path my Self Cleansing 4 Week Discovery
First, let me say I do not make New Years Resolutions. I believe that they are 95% a failure in the end. Yes there are that 5% that stick with their New Years Resolution for the full 12 months and actually accomplish what they truly set out to do. My take on New Years Resolutions are why wait until the New Year to make a plan of action for your life. If you are truly inspired and want to take a new direction in your life then you take it then, you do not wait until a New Year. Yes, New Year, new beginnings, but new beginnings do not have to wait until a New Year. With this being said I have struggled for many months if not for a year or so with my life and the direction it is going and where I want to be with my faith in something, anything at that. I had a very heart filled conversation with my best friend and her husband who I find their love and faith in God a true work of what is going on in their lives. I am lost in Faith, God, and almost everything else these days. However my best friend's husband sent me a link Saturday night as we were talking about how it is not up to me to change my life, to change my direction, or to find the true love that I want to exist in my life so bad. I have to stop trying to make a difference in my life and hand my life over to God and then I will start to see changes. I have to stop trying to be such a control freak, I need to turn this over to God and let him have the complete control over my life. With this being said I thought long and hard last night about something I want to do for at least 4 weeks, starting today. I have decided I am going to focus on my health, diet, physical fitness, my relationship with my daughter and try to read devotionals everyday and step back from the outside world for 4 weeks. This does not mean that I am cutting everyone off from my life, it just means that I am giving myself 4 weeks to reflect without going on dates with men/guys and going to a bar for an occasional drink. During the week I will not struggle with this, because of school, Haleigh's school, and the gym, however whenever Haleigh may not be with me on the weekends I will have to stand strong and not fold. I plan to remove alcohol from my life for a full 4 weeks while I concentrate, perhaps even meditating on what I think needs to be important. I do want to start attending church with my friend and her family for myself, but also Haleigh. She loves church, she soaks it up, however if I do not go to church my goals within these next four weeks of personal reflection will be to (1)read a devotional everyday along with a bible verse that I receive each morning on my phone, (2) remove alcohol for 4 full weeks, and (3) no dating or socializing other than with the two positive people in my life. I do not call this my New Years Resolution, I am calling this my Self Cleansing 4 Week Discovery. Once I make it past 4 weeks I will then decide where to continue this discover and cleansing in my life. I will try to blog weekly to keep an update of how things are going and how tough they may be.
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