Struggling.

When will I ever get it? You know, that motherly instinct? Fuck I'm almost 30 and still don't have it. I'm screwed and I feel awful for my daughter. Is my daughter my world? Yes of course she is, I don't know who I would be without her. Although this doesn't mean that I'm not constantly wondering who I would have been without her, where I would be, and if I would be completely happy with no life without her. Am I completely happy today with her in my world? I can't say that I am. I love her to death, O how I love her, but it's just not for me. Does this make me a bad person to feel this way? I'm afraid I resent her, when it was my choice to keep her, so shouldn't I be resenting myself and not this child that had no say in the situation. I struggle so often with finding a way to be a mom, a good mom, a caring mom, and I do good for awhile but then I always seem to get lost again. I am not a woman that wants to be tied down, I want to do what I want to do when I want to, and this urge only gets worse with my age. The older I get, the more on the go I want to be. The more free I feel I need to be. But I can't and at times it makes me angry and tired and just want to lie in the bed and sleep. This is a touchy subject and one that I normally would not share but who the fuck really reads my blog anyways. No one that I am aware of. My heart is heavy, my mind is constantly going, and my daughter is only growing up more and more each day and I'm afraid if I don't get the grasp of this shit soon she is going to despise me when she gets older and resent me for having her. She has a shitty dad who is never around and a mother who never wanted to be a mom. I feel like an awful person most days, and no one around me would know. If I could run away I would but I can't and I wouldn't. She deserves so much more. So here I'll stay struggling to be something I should have never been, hoping and praying that one day she will forgive me for being such an unaffectionate mother and love me just for me.