@#@#@$$%

I don't know who you are and I don't know what you want. I don't want what you have nor do I want to give you any of mine back in return. Take what you have and walk out that door. Don't give me those looks, only take back that shit that you walked in here with. Get away from me, throw that shit away. Who the fuck do you think you are talking to? I do not stand for this shit. You are sleazy and sneaky and I do not like your ways. I will cut you in a heartbeat and won't feel a bit of remorse. You are crazy; you ass stinks and personally I can't stand to be within 5 feet of your snobby ass. Take away what you're selling; I don't buy your bullshit. If you don't walk away I'm about to smack you with the fuck you stick.

Dirty little Pumpkin Patcher

I met a little pumpkin patcher today and what did he say to me?
Well hello beautiful woman what kind of pumpkin can I get for you today?
Do you want a big one, an orange one, or how about a little bitty yellow one that never quite grew?
He was smart and so witty and asked me in for a bite.
Well of course I replied I've never been invited in by a little pumpkin patcher man before.
He said eat these love, you will absolutely adore. They taste like sweet nuts with a bit of sour in your mouth.
I closed my eyes and tasted this taste that was o so euphoric and absolutely divine.
Next thing I knew I woke up only to be seen dressed as a pumpkin while this pumpkin patcher man was poking me from behind saying what kind do you want? I big one, an orange one, or how about that little bitty yellow one that never quite grew and before I could realize what happened he poked me in my little pumpkin hole.

Gone

I don't know where this came from, I'm not even sure I can relate to this. But while at work I was hit with these words. I don't know if this is something I can relate to or someone in my life and the only title I could come up with was Gone.
I dreamt of you last night, although you were not as I had imagined. When you left me you were tall, dark and a little bit of heaven. Today when I saw you in the midst of a crowd you looked weak, feeble, and lost beyond imagination. I couldn't bring myself to say hello. I didn't want to know you anymore, I left you a certain way and I didn't want to know who you were today. You were once the person who gave me strength and pushed me to the edge. You never gave up on me until the day I let you go. As you walked away, you walked away with a little piece of me. My soul was lost, my heart was tormented and you just walked away. In my dream I saw you struggling, I saw you as a monster, not as the man that I had once loved. You looked troubled and scared, almost as if the devil was knocking on your door. As I walked past you today a shiver went through my spine and it was as if Satan himself was griping for my soul; the soul that you didn't take completely but trying so hard to take what was left. I scuffled off terrified, afraid that you may have seen me, as I turned back for one last look; you were gone. Gone again with a little pinch of me, however this time my heart was not tormented but more at rest.

epiphany

epiphany: a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.
I have these alot and everytime I seem shocked but today I am not. It's funny how I think about people that were once in my life and think of from time to time and look up to only find after years later were sometimes better left unfound. Regrets no, never, that is not a word I like to have in my vocabulary, maybe I just don't live up to some people's standards and I'm ok with that. I don't guess I need someone to tell me but I'm obviously a verbal person and life verbal confirmation. Just an example of two of my examples:
9 years apart + 4 weeks of bliss = total disappointment
10 years since spoken + 5 days of talking + 2 nights out = 7 digits that will probably never be used again.
3 great years of friendship x multiple nights of fun x handful of good cries = Friendship loss due to neediness.
7 years of knowing someone + 2 jobs worked together x multiple apple tinis = my misery everyday at work.
Epiphany is the word that came to mind, however I cant exactly put mine out into words but maybe I'll come back tomorrow

Laura Marling - Devil's Spoke

Jay Malinowski - Life Is A Gun :: Official Video

Silence

Today I drove the whole way home from work with no music on and had a talk with myself. No not out loud but in my head, because when I open my mouth is never comes out what's really going on inside my head. I thought about alot of things, mainly randomness, some about my daughter from which derived the first writing of her on here.
I thought about my constant strive to get to know someone, maybe someone I don't even really know. If I come across you on Google, Facebook, or any other network and something about you catches my eye, I strive to find out more. I want to learn all about someone or something that interest me. At times its an obsession, at other times its like a scavenger hunt for me. I don't think this makes me crazy, I mean for crying out loud people follow people on twitter just to see what someone update is for that day? (maybe I'm wrong about the twitter part, I haven't really grasped the whole concept with that one yet or joined that network just yet) But once I find something I feel the need to pick it apart, every last detail, to examine it from the inside out. I enjoy being on the other side of the monitor screen reading away about parts of your life, tweets that you made about someone you care for or analyze what made you update your facebook status, what was it really intended for? Sheer nonsense are most, however behind alot of updates are alot of emotions. Some are stabs at friends, politics, old lovers, new lovers, the list could go on. In one single setting your facebook status could intrigue me for days, even if I do not know you. I want to know what made you say what you said. What were you feeling that exact moment? I go back through my updates and think back on why I made the comment I made and normally I remember really special moments in my life that maybe I wouldn't have remembered if it hadn't had been for that one single emotion that made me update my status. It's funny how technology works. So as much as I am intrigued by others and like to follow many, I am just as intrigued by myself each day, Because me being me is nothing but a bunch of raw emotions.
Back on track here, as driving home I thought about the above but I also found myself thinking about the car in front of me and what a dumb stupid move they just made, I think one guy was changing clothes, talking on the phone, and eating all while driving and getting off the interstate. As I think to myself "great, I would get behind this guy" then I watch a man run across 6 busy lanes of traffic to get to the other side and I thought to myself "that's one hell of a joke" Like seriously what would make you run across 6 lanes of traffic, I hope he made it as I laughed out loud to myself. I thought to myself as I went to pick up Haleigh, why didn't I stop at the eyeglass place before you went and got her. Then the whole time I'm thinking so consistently with myself and rather enjoying this talk that I'm having I completely drive by the tanning bed and thought "shit I was going to tan today" Then after picking up Haleigh my silence was gone but my mind still races, she just drowns it out until she goes to bed. . .

Strawberry Blonde hair, grey hazy eyed little girl. . .

A little girl with strawberry blonde hair and grey hazy eyes writes her heart out as she sits at the kitchen table. She was tapped with a little bit of sass and a whole lot of heart. She wears her emotions on her sleeve and even though she is so young, her heart is also seen a lot of sadness. This little strawberry blonde, grey hazy eyed girl has some strands of curls that fly out of control and is a reflection of her personality. She is touchy and feely and loves to feel loved. This little girl with strawberry blonde hair and grey hazy eyes has the biggest chunk of my heart and she doesn’t even know it. She makes me smile on the inside even if she never sees it on the out. She is my day and my night, she lifts me up and she doesn’t even know it. She is tough when others are around, but at times she breaks down and cries when she can’t hold it in any longer. This little strawberry blonde hair and grey hazy eyed girl is simply a reflection of the same little girl that I once knew. I will love her forever no matter how much more she gets tapped with that sass.

Head out of the Clouds....finally

After about 4 days of being sick I am finally seeing clearly again. I felt like death for 4 days and tried to ignore it and last night it caught back up with me. However I woke up this morning feeling refreshed and rejuvenated. All the things I have been over analyzing for the past 4 days seem so ridiculous I sat back and laughed at myself this morning. I may have made some situations a little weird and yea that sucks, but the way I see it is if you are going to hold it against me for me being weird, well then Fuck you! It was a great time last week over the holidays catching up with an old friend, but things made a turn and not much has been said since then. Either way, waking up this morning, I am no longer going to worry about it, no longer am I going to over analyze it, no longer am I going to keep being the person that reaches out first. I am loving my clear head, I think next time I get sick I need to cut my phone off and not call anyone or text anyone and maybe I can avoid situations where VOMIT happens. lol. I'm getting very excited about my Party this weekend. First Tacky Christmas Sweater Party and I'm stoked to get super tacky and have fun with all my friends, some long time friends and other new friends. I'm going to be making some Jello Shots and have some really cool ideas on how to present them. Yes I am Gay , I am excited about Jello Shots, hehe. I will have to post some pictures after this weekend, I hope everyone comes all Tackyed out!

application sent

Tonight after many months of thinking it over I submitted my application to a website that is one of my favorites. HeartlessBitch.com. Who knows if they will think I'm heartless or not but fuck it I tried. Who knows, my ass my show up on the Weak of the Week, however this is something that I've wanted to do for awhile but unsure if it was right. As sitting here tonight after much blogging/writing today and discussions with friends, why the fuck not? What's the worst that can happen, they decline it. At least I can say I tried it. I am afraid maybe I did not portray as much of me as I would like, however maybe they will visit my blog and think differently. Either way I am going to bed tonight a little bit more excited that I decided to do something and take a step toward writing more and being a group that writes. I will update on here as soon as I find anything out, for any of my 4 followers who actually give a shit about what I have to say..

The Only Moment We Were Alone.

Today I was in some desperate need for new music. I care nothing about this video. I actually closed my eyes when I listened to this song and something about it soothed my soul. Thank you Allen for always providing me with some great shit!

Internal wiring...

Today, my topic of discussion has been confusion and my best friend knows me inside and out. As she states "your internal relationship wires are extremely fucked up, you have two things running against you. 1. Your mom 2. Mike" enough said. How do I fix this I ask? " they need to be re-wired and not through your ass but through your mind. the first step is to unhook all the wires and change your perspective" She couldn't be any more exact if I had paid her to by my therapist. Thank goodness her thoughts on me are "free" lol When we speak about relationships they are not all geared toward men and intimate relationships but even my relationships with friends (more or less new friends). What do you do when you know your internal wiring is fucked up?! How do you fix this? Yes I've admitted it, first step, but I've known this for years. I've sat back and been single and reflected on bad relationships with men and women, friends and lovers, and I always see the wrong, however it never seems to stop me from making the same mistakes over and over again in the present and more and likely in the future. Maybe I'm just doomed.But let me just state that every relationship failure I've had has not always been my fault. I'm only referring to the ones that have been. I wish I didn't speak every time I felt something. I once blogged about how I recently got on antidepressants because I felt that I needed them to help in a relationship I had with a man, but these antidepressants made me numb and I didn't feel every emotion that i have and i hated it so i got off of them and felt like my normal self again. But maybe its not normal to feel every emotion, as much as i love my emotions whether good or bad , i feel i need them to feel human. But I've got to learn to control my mouth, I've struggled with this since I was young and it only seems to get worse. I'm becoming my grandmother more and more everyday and although I love it and her very much, it scares me too, because she was a very lonely woman for a very long time.

"What if"

Do you ever lie in bed at night and toss and turn and wonder “what if”?
I guess we all wonder “what if”? But recently I was giving advice, hence this is so funny on so many levels. That what if shouldn’t even exist.” What if” … fill in the blank; we could all go on for days, some even years.
The truth is “What if” doesn’t matter because if “what if” mattered then you wouldn’t be where you were today. I stopped asking what if about a year ago and somehow I have found a sense of peace in my life.
“What if”…. Will never exist.
“What if”….will never matter.
“What if”… you stopped thinking about “what if”, you might be surprised at how moving forward is so much easier.
“What if” I hadn’t have done this or “what if” I had done this!? “What if” is just a load of bullshit to keep over analyzers like me and so many more out there up way too much and holding on for way too long. “What if” should be removed from everyone’s vocabulary, because if you hold on to those “What ifs” a little too long something better may just pass you by.

Judgement

Don’t judge me! She screams, from the top of the roof on that cold wintery night.
Don’t judge me because I can’t go on any longer in this place you call a life.
Don’t judge me because I wish every day I didn’t have my daughter! Don’t judge me because I don’t know if I really like being a mother.
Don’t judge me because I loathe the ground my mother walks on, Don’t judge me because when so many out there wish for a mother, I wish more to not have mine.
Don’t judge me because I enjoy the pain and misery more than any happiness and laughter, she says.
Don’t judge me because I branded myself with a tattoo of a man that once fucked me and never saw again.
Don’t judge me as I stand here on this rooftop screaming at the top of my lungs, because I’ve had more than I can take and I just need to state, that sometimes death appears better than the judgment that I have to face each day.
She is thin, she is sad, her heart is as cold as cold can get. She does not get it. She is all out of answers. She doesn’t care what people think or say, yet here she stands on the ledge tonight screaming out “don’t judge me.”
Don’t judge me because some days I’d rather lay in the bed and sleep the whole day away then have to step out and face reality.
Don’t judge me because I’m obsessed with my weight and what I put in my mouth. Don’t judge me because I’m scared I’m going to be fat one day, as a tear drops from her eye.
Don’t judge me because I like to drink, don’t judge me because I snort hydrocodone to feel the high faster than swallowing the pill.
Don’t judge me because I like it in the butt. Don’t judge me because I like to be hit, don’t judge me because sometimes I like it when they gag me.
Don’t judge me! She screams as she moves her foot forward just with one tiny step…
Silence
Judgment is gone.

fog

so i tried to write tonight. however there are so many things going through my brain, i can't even begin to focus on one subject. in a jist, in the past week, i found an old friend, who turned out to be someone i never truly knew, but more impressed than I ever could have imagined with this picture taker. for the first time in my life i went weak in the knees and felt this electric surge run through my body like i had just been hit with a bolt of lightning. needless to say for once this foul mouth woman is at a loss for words and cant seem to grasp all that has happened in the past 5 days. the fog is soo thick i dont know where to begin and where to end. i guess all i can do is wait out this fog and see what's suppose to be revealed to me.

Bedouin Soundclash - Brutal Hearts (feat. Coeur De Pirate)

This is my favorite song at the moment...
It speaks to my heart, soul, etc. Lol.

random

I haven't really posted anything lately because i feel a little numb at the moment. I feel a little lost and confused. I really have been thinking about joining some type of group that does activities and gets me out there. I'm not saying I need a new group of friends because I love all of my friends dearly but everyone has so much going on that I seem to be the only one that is single, minus one or two of my friends. We are all older now, and I understand we cant all get together all of the time but I find myself not doing anything when Haleigh is gone on the weekends to visit the "other" family. I'm not looking for love, I'm looking for a social group to do things with, try new things out. I need a new venue. I need to put myself out there more. I really want to write, but I don't know where to go with this or where to begin. I have looked into Events in Nashville, but it seems to be more of a dating avenue more than a social gathering the more I look into it. You MUST BE SINGLE to join, what happens if you meet someone? Can you no longer be a member of this group. Just things I have been randomly thinking about. I have more on my mind, but this is it for now. and no i did not proofread this before posting. lol

Best Friend

My Best Friend and I live in different states and at times I miss her more than words could describe. Tonight I was going through some old photos and they made me laugh and even cry, so I wrote just a bit about my best friend
No one will ever be able to understand the bond that you and your best friend carry. Throughout the years we have carried each other through some pretty rough stuff and at times we have even thrown each other away because we lost our way. But somehow in the end we always found our way back home. How we have laughed at each other, and how we have cried both happy and sad, but each time I think of my friendship with you, I am left with a feeling of the warm fuzzies and something I know that I know will never leave my side. No matter how far, no matter the circumstances you will always be my very best true friend. You have seen me at my roughest and carried me through, you stuck by me when no one in my family would come near me. You were all I ever had and this is why I’m proud to say I chose perfectly when I selected you for my daughter’s God mother. You left and you came back only to leave me again. Seeing you leave that day was the hardest thing I ever had to endure. The one person who I could trust and who was my rock had to leave. Some time apart but nothing ever changed. Like I said no matter the distance no matter the circumstances you are my very best true friend. Together we have grown into a mighty maple tree, allowing our roots to burry deep and rooting in permanently, our friendship sprouted to only be given a mighty strong trunk to keep our foundation solid. Our branches expand and although some break off, our branches will always form a perfect heart in and out, this is why I share the Maple tree with you. It is not just a maple tree; it’s the tree of life, and the tree of the Libra. Our friendship represents all three things in a way that could not be justified any better. I love you forever, no matter our fate, you will always be in my heart and branded on my wrist.

my thoughts on VOTING. most will not agree, this is just me!

My thoughts on voting
So today is voting day…woohoo. Not so much. I only voted once and that was because it was mandated in one of my classes when I was 18, other than that I have not. Does this make me a bad person? I think not. I'm not by any means a political person or care to be. Is my one single vote really going to change the way things are? Hell no! Yes all you voters, I know what you are saying out there "your one vote combined with so many that vote the same way can make a difference" ugh is all I have to say. I do not keep up with Politics; I have enough going on in my life to find time to keep up with politics. What I feel, or think about anything political is never going to happen. I will leave it at that. My views are not of most people so I keep them to myself. I do not want to talk about voting, politics, the government, or any of that because honestly our nation is going to do what it wants, I'm not even sure that our votes really constitute for anything anymore. Where do you think your vote really goes? Do you really think that you are making an impact on our country or government? If so then we are fucked up, because we are not making the best decisions in our country. We only seem to keep crumbling, if we all feel so strongly about making our nation better than why is our government in a whirlwind of fuck and disaster. Do not judge me because I do not vote, because I do not judge you for taking all of your time to follow something that maybe doesn't even matter when you press that little VOTE button. Please stop telling me to vote, stop telling everyone. Remember this is a free country and if someone wants to vote, guess what? They will whether you tell them to or not. Just saying, my thoughts on VOTE DAY! woo hoo (sarcasm)

Men

Men
How you cease to amaze me? At this point I'm a little pissed because I wrote this then my computer crashed and I didn't save the document so now I have to start all over. I admit that there was a point or more than one time in my life where men were not picked for their finer points with me. Now I have it down to a tee in what I look for in a man. However, after a year and a half relationship with whom I thought was the love of my life ended, I was heartbroken and wounded. I would date any good looking man whether he had ambitions or goals in life. I didn't look at the type of job they had or the dreams of what they wanted to be. I merely just wanted the attention which left me dating a lot of dead beat losers. Although I have to say because some were losers most were not bad guys, they were nice and never rude to me, except looking back now it would be a cold day in hell before I gave any of these "guys" a shot much less a date. Everyone has their way of coping with heartbreak, right? I was 25 before I ever officially fell head over heels and in love with a man, then ended up with a broken heart. No big deal now, I'm over it; however it took some idiots and douche bags for me to realize how much I didn’t need a man to make me get over something or for any reason. This one particular guy came to mind about 3 months ago when I received an anonymous text asking me how I was and what I've been up to. After finally deciding who it was I laughed out loud literally. He was a bartender that I went out with a few times from a local bar in town, cool guy, fun to hang out with, but very unrealistic for my lifestyle. I am a mother and a full time worker, and part time student. Did I even really have any reason to consider this guy as someone I would date? But I was lonely and needed to heal my wounded heart so I kept up the playing game with him, although he never really seemed interested in me other than to call me when he got off work at 3 or 4 in the morning (half drunk) most nights wanting to hang out! BIG RED LIGHT! Any man that calls you only at 3 or 4 in the morning after working at a bar and drinking is only up to one thing. Anyways, I move on and we remain friends, I would see him when I went to the bar and we were always friendly, I mean why not. But at the time we were talking I "thought" I really liked him, when really I knew nothing about him. He is my age and has been working in the same bar for about 5 years now. Wonder where this guy is going? I’m going to say he probably doesn’t have much ambition. His job profession has nothing to do with the money, because I do not care what a man makes. I make my own money and provide for myself, money is not something I look for in a man, but ambition is. Anyhow! After a year going by I haven't heard or seen from Mr. Bartender until about 3 months ago when I get this text. After a few texts he decides to confide in me that he and his girlfriend broke up and he thought of me. Number 1: wow thanks , I'm the rebound you thought of after your girlfriend crushed your heart, Number 2 you were by no means interested in me when I was interested in you and now you are texting me! HAHAHA. So I advise him that I am in a relationship and its going great. Well needless to say I never heard back from him until last night Halloween. I am sure he was drunk, because something I have learned about men is that for some reason whether they liked me or not I always seem to cross a drunken man's thoughts! Wow lucky girl me! Ha. Anyways he asked if I was going out and I said no, I have my daughter. Hello did you forget that I'm a mom or did you just never really pay attention to that. Were you too focused on my ass or if I was going to fuck you?! Probably so then he asked how the boyfriend was and I said "don’t have one" OOO then he is really interested, asks me to hang out on a Monday night? Really? Mr. Bartender "I'm a Mom with a job that requires me to be up at 6 am and go to school" but yet again, that is the farthest thing from his mind. I remind him of this and state I can't then ask if I want to hang out on Tuesday. At this point I'm just humored, more at myself for thinking at one point I was so interested in this guy. For crying out loud, he bartends and nothing else. Mr. Bartender you go to bed when I’m getting up for work. You sleep til about 4 in the afternoon and I'm getting off work. I'm sorry my friend but you are just not my type and you never were, you were going to be a band aid, but lord am I so happy that didn't work out. I guess the point of this is that this isn't the first time this has happened to me. Men that I once was attracted to or obviously trying to get with were never interested in me until they lost their appeal to me. Men always want what they can't have or what doesn't want them back anymore; however on the same note, Women are exactly the same way. No I am not saying that every man and every woman are this way, but the majority is. We always want what we can't have or can't get then when it comes back around and realized "shit he/she would have been a great person to be with" guess what?! We no longer want them. So boys/men if I haven't heard from you in a long time or seen you and you haven't heard from me, don't bother texting me or calling me because chances are I probably have forgotten you and almost 100% ashamed to have ever have been interested in you.

Dan Deacon & Liam Lynch - Drinking Out of Cups

Lissie - Kid Cudi live cover - Pursuit Of Happiness

This Song is by far my Favorite Song! Kid Cudi

Pursuit Of Happiness Lyrics

VERSE 1:
Crush a bit, little bit, roll it up, take a hit
Feelin’ lit feelin’ light, 2 am summer night.
I don't care, hand on the wheel, drivin drunk, I'm doin’ my thang
Rollin the Midwest side and out livin’ my life getting’ out dreams
People told me slow my roll I'm screaming out fuck that
Imma do just what I want lookin’ ahead no turnin’ back
if I fall if I die know I lived it till the fullest
if I fall if I die know I lived and missed some bullets

CHORUS
I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know everything that shine ain't always gonna be gold
I'll be fine once I get it, I'll be good. x2

VERSE 2:

Tell me what you know about dreamin’ dreamin’
you don't really know about nothin’ nothin’
tell me what you know about them night terrors every night
5 am, cold sweats wakin’ up to the skies
tell me what you know about dreams, dreams
tell me what you know about night terrors, nothin’
you don't really care about the trials of tomorrow
rather lay awake in a bed full of sorrow

CHORUS:

I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know everything that shines ain't always gonna be gold
I'll be fine once I get it, I'll be good


CHORUS:

I'm on the pursuit of happiness. I know everything that shines ain't always gold
I'll be fine once I get it, I'll be good. x2

CHORUS:

I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know everything that shines ain't always gonna be gold, hey
I'll be fine once I get it, yeah, I'll be good

I'm on the pursuit of happiness
And I know everything that shines ain't always gonna be gold, hey
I'll be fine once I get it, yeah
I'll be good

Pursuit of happiness, yeah
I don’t get it, I’ll be good

My thoughts: Kid Cudi summed up My Pursuit of Happiness in this song. I know all too well about night terrors and dreams. One of my favorite artists. Nothing more for me to say, the lyrics say it all.

As I sit at work with some downtime as I listen to my iPod I feel at a loss for words for the first time in awhile. I wonder how women like me keeps falling victim to such dumbasses and frauds. After everything I have been through I feel that each time my standards get higher and higher and I become harder to please by men. I've never been with a woman so I am not sure that even a woman could please me. However, recently I was fooled more than I feel that I have ever been fooled and I wasn't sure that could be accomplished after my ex-husband who was leading two lives. Although my ex was a drunk and dated underage woman I also knew something was not right about him. I could always sense it. However, recently I was blinded by a man that I thought had met all qualities that I finally knew I wanted in a man. I thought I feel in love with a man that in the end only was that man for a very short period. He told me stories of his ex girlfriend and her psychotic ways and how he only ever stayed with her because he just became comfortable. He portrayed to me that I was everything he was looking for so I brought him into my daughters life and allowed him to spend time with us, then literally three months later I started to see a change. All the things he did to get me, such as; sweet compliments, attention, respecting my ways on my body, mind, and soul. He was patient with me about sex, he was anxious to meet my daughter, or so I thought. Then it all stopped, and I don't mean that it all these things were not done as often, I mean they stopped. He stopped opening the doors for me, he stopped complimenting me, and the sex stopped. The connection that we had was lost so I ended it thinking it just didn't work out, only to find out months later that this crazy ex-girlfriend that he spoke so awful of he is now trying to communicate with her again and tell her how he missed them. And I'm just awe struck and confused. Was everything he told me about this girl even true? I'm beginning to think that she was not the crazy one but that he was the crazy one. There were a few instances where he snapped on me for no reason when he was drunk. He had done something to show his ass and made a fool out himself to turning it around on me, saying I was the one acting a fool and showing my ass and embarrassing him. He literally went psycho on my ass but I always tried to sum it up as he was "drunk" and then a great guy friend of mine said, "Rachel, a drunken man's actions and words are a sober man's thoughts" and it clicked and was like fuck this. It's only been 6 months why should I continue to deal with this. A relationship isn't supposed to suck to bad after 6 months right? You shouldn't have this many problems within the first 6 months but I thank God that this all did happen so quickly. I wanted to marry him and I wanted to have a child with him and I never wanted to have another child. I feel in love with an image he portrayed to only find out he is a completely different person and I am not sure he knows who he is. Anyways I do not understand how I wind up with men like this. I understood when I was younger and I understood how it happened before I got divorced. I had NO standards and no expectations, and now maybe I just have too many. The main reason for this blog is just to say I'm mind fucked after reading some exchanging emails from my most recent ex and his ex. Confusing and mind boggling how some people can lead two completely different lives, like Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. On a positive note I have came to realize that I'm happier than ever in my life without any relationship to worry about, stress, about , or even enjoy. I have been able to find me and realize that my happiness was always there within me. I just always masked it with people that hid it from me and allowing me to show my true potential. Even if I'm alone until I die I honestly believe I will be happy just being a mother, and independent woman.

Smile

I smile for me and no one else
For years I’ve tried so hard to have this smile by forcing things in my life that never made the smile I have today
Now I smile for me
Because of me and no one else I’ve accomplished what I always thought someone else would provide for me
I never knew I could make myself smile
I never knew that I could be happy just by being me
I smile because after all the trials and tribulations I have turned out to be a pretty good mother
I smile because I’ve found my inner peace and don’t harbor so many demons in my life any longer.
I smile because cooking frees my soul in a way I never thought it could be freed
I smile because I’ve realized that I maybe all that I ever have so I better learn to use what makes me smile
I smile and I’m happy
I smile not because I am alone but because I know my real self
I smile because every day I learn something about me
I smile because I love myself
I smile dammit and that’s something pretty great

Angry

Angry
When I think of you
Angry
When I yell at you
Angry
When I cry on my knees about you
Angry
That I fell for someone who did not exist
Angry
At the world because of my own damn faults
Angry
At my mother for never caring or showing a drop of sentimental value
Angry
At the mistakes I have made
Angry
At the mistakes I continue to make
Angry
That my life has not gone where I wanted it to go
Angry
When I think of you
Angry
About the person I am
Angry
About the person I will continue to be
Angry
About life
Angry
About you
Angry
About love
Angry
That all I can think of is bashing your head into a wall
Angry
That this thought gives me sense of thrill rushing through my body
Angry
That I'm up and I'm down
Angry
That I'm never constant
Angry
That I cannot love
Angry
At the people I blame for the reasons I cannot love
Angry
More with myself than anyone else
Angry
Is all I have and all I live for
Angry
Keeps me going
Angry keeps me motivated
Angry
Is my energy
Angry
Is my life.

Some of my favorite Quotes

some favorite quotes
Sunday, June 14, 2009, 5:24:10 PM | Rachel Elizabeth Mitchell
“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” Neil Gaiman “I am afraid to show you who I really am, because if I show you who I really am, you might not like it--and that's all I got.” Sabrina Ward Harrison “People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.” Jim Morrison This was unexpected, my soul’s connection to you. You stole my loneliness. No one knows that I was wishing for you, a thief, to enter my house of autonomy, that I had locked my doors but my windows were open, hoping, but not believing, you would enter. —Douglas Coupland Your narcissism is so cute, I just want to gag you, throw you into the trunk of my dad’s car, take the car, drive into the woods with you, kill a deer and then fuck you. Black metal style. Grevel Lindop After Baudelaire, ‘Les Bijoux’ Knowing just what I like, she keeps her jewels on when she strips, so stone and metal gleam and clash: she's slave and conqueror in one, light and sound melting in a single dream. She crouches, but won't let herself be loved, fixing her gaze on mine, a tigress tamed by lust and music, a body restless, moved from pose to pose, erotic, unashamed, that sleepy smile enhanced by her vermilion lipgloss; the oiled mahogany other thighs, her arms, her arse; an angel of destruction with childlike candour radiant in her eyes — until the song ends, and the red spotlights flood

Feb 1, 2010 Oldie

"Women, don't settle for 'Mr. Good Enough,' it's ok to be picky & hold out for love" HA!by Rachel Elizabeth Mitchell on Monday, February 1, 2010 at 3:16pm
Today I came across an article "Women, don't settle for 'Mr. Good Enough', it's ok to be picky & hold out for love." This caught my attention because too many times do I hear from my female friends that I am just too picky. I feel that after everything I went through and struggles, that I deserve nothing but the best. Yes I know sometimes I am too picky, but I feel that I have to be, not only for my sake, but for my daughter. I want her views on men when she grows up based on the values that I look for in a man. I do not want her to just pick any Tom, Dick, or Harry. I want her to have strong values and points that she looks for in a man. Yes some of mine are extreme, however I also believe that without them I would fall back into my old ways and date complete losers, men who had no goals or interest in making something of themselves. Money is not one thing I am picky about. A poor man is usually the man that treasures his wife or partners the most. Money does not buy love or happiness, at least not with this girl. Simple things in life are what make me smile. I just felt compelled to share this. It was nice to see an article stating that it is ok for me to be picky.

My Libido is on FIRE!

Missing
Missing you is like missing an Aneurysm
Missing
Missing my glasses because I forgot I left them on my head
Missing
Missing my sanity because I stopped taking those antidepressants
Missing
Missing the sleep that I got from those stupid ass antidepressants that I did take
Missing
Missing a piece of my heart from a man that stole it way too young
Missing
Missing the sex on a regular basis
Missing
Missing the sex drive I had before you ripped me of my confidence
Missing
Missing the life that I will never know I could have had
Missing
Missing is an adjective that one will never be able to escape
Missing
Missing is apart of life, no matter how happy you say you are
Missing
Missing the days when I could drink for days and not feel hung over for a week
Missing
Missing is all I have left.

Give me a Beer

Give me a beer, hand me a cigarette, better yet go ahead and make that a tab too.
Let my head spin, my body tremble, my mind stop racing and my heart stop hurting.
Go the hell on, I don’t care what you think, I do what I do and I try my damnest but hey you go fuck yourself with your shaded eyes and belief that everything will work its way out.
Did you ever stop to think that those fucking roses don’t smell so fresh, or that the grass isn’t greener because it’s better but because it’s SHIT stained green.
Give me vodka straight and a hit off that joint.
Let me be free and listen to the rhythm this funky green gives me.
Let me mellow out and forget what’s going on around me, just let me be me.
Don’t judge me because I speak in tongues or see in colors, no one is perfect, I’m just not so damn quiet about it.
Give me something other than this thing we call life. Some say God, some say anti-depressants but for now I’d rather just have a beer and a cigarette and o yea don’t forget that tab.

it's me again

Well here I am again trying this blogging thing, but this time making it public. It seems that everytime I have a life changing experience I remember how to write again. Inspirations comes and goes with me, it's never when I expect it and hits me hard when I have no idea what to do with it. It's funny how someone likes me decides on if she is really happy in life. I feel that I have hurdled so many obstacles and have a lot to show for my hard work, however at times I don't know if I'm happy, sad, or just numb to this whole process we call life. I've always been skeptical to think that a woman needs a man to survive or that I need one. Relationships are not my best forte and I think this is because I'm not your normal species. Yes I know if you are a woman you are thinking you feel exactly the same way and if you are a man reading this you are thinking, sure you are, all woman think this. I'm normally only happy for a short period of time anytime I am with a man, normally this is in the beginning and things change, people change, grow together, grow apart, whatever the fuck you want to call it, nothing ever stays those same. Someone always changes, someone always stops trying hard, someone just stop all together, etc. I could go on for days. I'm really just rambling at this point because I've lost all train of thought. My mind races 90MPH at all times, and normally at about 150MPH when I try to go to sleep at night. I guess what I'm trying to get at it this skeptical woman that once felt that she did not need a man to make her happy is beginning to think with old age that maybe I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. Maybe I want to cook dinner for someone at night and maybe just maybe I would like to have another child before my 8 year old is 16. I have came to a point in my life where NUMBNESS is all I feel. I don't feel sad, I don't feel angry, I don't feel anything at all and I do not like this. I've always loved every emotion that I've ever felt. I've always been a very passionate person and thrived off of the way things made me feel and now I don't have any of this and I don't feel like me. I'm lost, numb, and just seem to ramble.

What really Chaps my Ass

So here is what really chaps my ass....
straglers, rompers, beggers, whatever you want to call them.
We have all seen them, we pull in our neighborhood and you see a neighbor standing outside their door like they would rather be shot than standing there listening to these two goons go on for the next 15-30 minutes about only GOD knows what. You go inside, close the blinds and try to avoid them. Somehow they just don't care. Let me go ahead and tell you now, if you selling something I'm not buying it, if your preaching something don't bother. My father is a preacher and if I haven't heard it from him I'm sure I can ask him on my own dam time.
So tonight two half witted looking young men knock on my door. No, normally I dont answer unexpected knocks. However the knock sounded familiar (yes I know, 'how the hell do you know a familiar knock from an unfamiliar' trust me I do). So I open the door and say YES? and the first thing out of their mouths are "Are you the lady of teh house?" My first response wants to be, well you saw me walk in the house with my 7 year old daughter and unload groceries from my car so What the hell do you think dimwit? But because my daughter is in the kitchen I refrain from being mouthy. I look at them and simple state I am busy with homework and they start stuttering something and I slam my door.
First thought is these two young men were probably going to ask me to contribute to some stupid fucking fund that they have created for idiotic people to believe in them. Help put them through college or send them to a summer camp. Well HELL NO, no one helped me when I needed money for college, I never got to go on Spring Break, or for that matter even have a Senior Trip. If I would have known then what I know now "which is some people are just fucking gullible" I would have been out in every neighborhood I knew knocking on doors making up some sad sob story just so I could get money. Yes, do some of these children have good intentions? Yes I think some do, I know a few church children that didn't come from the best of families and the only way for them to get money to go on a church trip would be to ask. I just find humor that kids these days get to knock on doors and ask for contributions and the fucked up part, is it works for about 80% of them. I am just like REally What the hell? What happened to good ole earned money. The 60 seconds these boys were standing at my door stuttering and mumbling they could have been flipping a hamburger, making a taco, or for crying out loud bussing some dam tables. Hell you could have been making probably $6.00 an hour instead of standing in my doorway irritating the hell out of me and getting not jack shit from me.Go get a job kids. I had to get a job when I was 16, if I wanted a car, I paid for it, If i wanted designer clothes, guess what I had to pay for it. I have been working since I was 16 and anything that I really wanted that was nice, I had to get. So I could go on for hours about the rompers, the stragglers, the beggers, but I'll end with this. Don't knock on my door, because one day I will unleash hell on one of you and you are going to wish you hadn't knocked on my door. On that note, I will be getting a Peep Hole put in this weekend. LOL

Her Fairytale

Today is filled full of tomorrow’s work
Simple life, simple love is all she said she would ever need.
She forgot and stopped to think that love was something real.
Simple pleasures and sweet gestures were all her heart ever desired.
Although she lied and never thought it out loud, this was all she ever needed.
She didn’t need a fancy ring, a big house, or a shiny car.
All she ever needed was love.
Tomorrow is full of yesterday’s past.
She had restless nights with tossing and turning, her heart such a mess and her mind in a scatter,
But once he came along, she soon forgot about the pain and emptiness.
What a life she thought she had, it seemed so complete and full,
But once he came along she saw she couldn’t go on without him
How had she ever truly lived without him was at much her dismay
Future of a lifetime
She didn’t know right at first that he would be the man that held her heart so tight
However she did know quickly that he was the one.
He was the first true love of her life
Where butterflies don’t end, and each kiss is a breath of fresh air
With every hug and every smile, her heart flutters as if it was hummingbirds’ wings.
Each laugh and each frown, she knew she would never be able to let this man go.
He carved his name in the middle of her heart and showed this woman that there was hope for a life for
of love and laughter after all.
Even though she never believed in silly girls’ and their fairytales,
He gave her, her very own fairytale
The fairytale of hope.

Lust and desire

Lizzie wants him in her bed. She wants to feel his touch. She wants Rory to make love to her like she has never wanted anyone to make love to her before. The way Rory touched her, the way he look at her, the way he kissed her has her mesmerized beyond any desires she could have ever imagined. Yet Lizzie is still confused on if this is truly Rory and if its really the way he feel or if this is just the way that he is with any woman. HIS arm, his accent, his guitar swooning abilities makes her heart beat and race not in her chest, but in her libido. His smile, his quirky way has Lizzie mesmerized. He has Lizzie in a trance, one that she cannot even explain. She has yearned for him since the 1st night they were together. She wants to feel Rory more, she wants to feel him inside of her, Lizzie wants to see if the sex would be as great as the kiss .Lizzie has dreamt every night about the sex with Rory and wake up every morning yearning for him while her panties are wet each morning. Her mind, body and her libido are mesmerized by him. She didn’t know it was possible, she didn’t know it could happen, but she has this unimaginable desire to be in his bed with Rory buried deep inside of her. .

blackness

She closes her eyes tight, she must sleep tonight.
She tries to clear her mind, she tries to not think.
But wait what was that, a tap? A scuffle on the floor? No she thinks to herself “I’m slowly loosing my mind with paranoia. “
She keeps her eyes closed, “I must stop this madness”, she must sleep.
But her mind is racing, her thoughts are taking over, she opens her eyes in the very dark room.
O shit, what is that in the corner of the room? A figure like shadow? No! she tells herself there is no way.
She is all alone, no one could be in here with her. She is frightened now, but not enough to move, speak, or look anymore.
She closes her eyes tight. Must stop the madness, clear her mind. She must sleep tonight.
She has almost reached serenity, then a shiver and wave of uncertainty flows through her body and shoots her straight up in the bed. She then opens here eyes and she knows now what she sees. It is him right in front of her, holding his arms out, he is reaching for her, but how can this be? she thinks. He is gone, I said goodbye to him, he died a few weeks back. She is so terrified she cannot move, the figure staring her straight in the eyes, but still she cant move, she cant speak, then he moves……
Blackness…………..
She awakes the next morning, vaguely remembering the night before.
Simply a fragment, a small detail of something unexplainable and clearly unlikely.
She goes along with her morning routine,
As leaving for the day, she notices something out of place, something that has not been seen since she was maybe 10 years old. A picture, not her picture, but a picture that was never in her possession.
Shivers………
She remembers, it wasn’t a dream, it wasn’t a fragment.
He was there last night in her room……..
Madness…….
She closes her eyes, she clears her mind, she opens the door. Her day will go on, and tonight she will sleep. She remembers the drugs in her purse that makes the madness go away and induce her sleep.
She tries to forget, however it will be back to remind her again one day.
Blackness…
Madness….
Shivers…..

Marked

His hands were around her neck, her arms flying violently, trying to push him off. The anger and hatred in his eyes as he strangled her tiny dainty neck were monstrous and looked as if the devil was controlling his body. She couldn’t defend herself as her last breath began to wither until she fell to the ground like a wet noodle. When she came to she was on the bathroom floor. Where was he, o God, she hoped and prayed he didn’t have the gun that night. She crawled to her daughter’s room where she was still so peaceful and never woke up. She was shocked the cops hadn’t been called from the neighbors below or beside them. How she hoped the cops were coming to save her. To take this asshole away. How could someone so small be so strong and strike a woman so hard. The next morning the marks around her neck said it all. This was it she thought, I will take no more. She went along with her day, took her daughter to school and took a personal day. Where was she going to go with these bruises around her neck. She decided this was it, he would no longer push her around, throw things in her face, scream and curse her very living. She was done and now he was going to pay . She knew what time to expect him home, the bastard, the inhumane being that called himself a man. So late lunch would be ready, she would act as if she were sorry like she always had done, He was somehow a great manipulator at making her think she was the one to blame. That if she would have kept her mouth shut she wouldn’t wind up with the bruises or the marks. So she played along this day. This would however be the last day that she did. She made his favorite dish, Crusted Parmesan Chicken. However she added two special ingredients that day, she would not have this attempt fail, it had to be hundred proof. While making the batter for the chicken she added crushed aspirin and rat poison, more than enough to kill an elephant. She prepared the food just as she normally does. Coating each piece of chicken in the parmesan, eggs, and now the aspirin and rat poison, He would never know. As he arrived, he said No I’m sorry, o wow thank you for cooking, nothing. She told him she was leaving early to go to the library for school and then would pick up their daughter and would be back in a few hours. He thought nothing of it. As she left she told him goodbye and that she loved him , knowing that when she saw him again, he would be a corpse and that made her smile. She left the aspirin and the rat poison in the bathroom counter. So when she called the cops they would see that he had probably overdosed. He was a raging alcoholic and had already had a drink before he even arrived home. The cops would merely think he drank too much and decided to take the aspirin and took the rat poison by mistake. As she drove out of the parking lot that day a sense of relief came over here, the marks on her neck no longer ached as they would be the last marks he ever put on her. He would be gone. Her life would begin, she would be safe and her daughter would no longer cry because daddy was hitting mommy. Free she was. Marked no longer.

Granny

I’m not much of a complex writer or even a complex woman
But I will always say what I feel and mean what I say
However the words that I chose may not be those of delicate definitions.
I don’t think before I speak and I almost always stick my foot in my mouth at least once a day.
I’m a foul mouth woman with lots to say, but nothing too strenuous, nothing of much concern.
I think in spurts and once my mind starts I’m stuck with thoughts rambling around and making me think more than I should or more than I ought.
I over analyze almost any important conversation and will worry myself until I’ve talked it out.
I sometimes forget the woman I wanted to be, who she was, where she went, or if I was really ever a woman at all.
But when I feel weak and began to lose control, I remember my granny and how she was the toughest woman I knew.
No one could hold her down; she never slowed down not even when the cancer struck her. Fancy rings, long dangly earrings, 3 holes in each ear and a pretty antique diamond rings decorated her old arthritic hands.
Piss Ant she called from as far back as I could remember and when my world came tumbling in and she wasn’t there to guide me, I felt the strength from within that I had gained from her. She pushed me and told me it was ok, that I could do it, I didn’t need no man.” Hell I did it for years and I did just fine”, is what I could hear her say as if she was standing here today.
Cowboy boots and country line dancing was what that old mean bag was about. She cursed and she yelled and she always wrapped our presents in comic newspapers. This woman alone is why I’m not ashamed of my mouth. I am this woman, more than anyone else, and losing her was the hardest thing in my life.
Hard women, maybe that’s what we are, granny and I. Too mean to be nice, but really too kind or gentle for our own damn self. So we just curse, drink, and smoke and do everything an ideal woman’s not suppose to do.
Granny wasn’t a complex woman and always said what she meant and never gave a damn if it hurt your feelings or anyone else for that matter.
I realize now I started this off writing about myself , when really all I was writing about was that wonderfully mean old woman who I called Granny for 20 something years. And I remembered how much being her piss ant was the best dam thing in the world.

Just a little Rant, What I like to call Rachel's Perspective

Rachel’s perspective on things
I laugh a lot at other people expense at least once a day.
Yes this is wrong, but we all do I just have the balls to admit that I do.
So I see pictures of girls/women/whores/hookers whatever name you prefer to call them letting men grab on their books, lick on their chest and I’m just like WTF really?
Am I saying that I’ve never done this, no I am not, however when this was done and it was normally not men groping me, merely close girlfriends being silly I did not post these pictures for the public eye to see.
One day you will wake up and be like wtf was I seriously doing and is this how people are going to remember me? Because let me tell you that when I see these pictures, it is not as if I’m getting a certain positive outlook on your or your life.
I noticed this one day while bored at work and scanning through random people’s pictures who are fucking dumb enough to not have their profile or pictures set to private, which yet alone is yelling I want or need attention to live my pathetic excuse for a life. After scanning through quite a few pictures I thought to myself , shit I have some stupid pictures that I have posted on my stupid facebook wall and I’m sure the friends that don’t know me closely must have thought that I was a bit on the wild side and not someone they should really respect. So this started my process of weaving through my photo albums, unfortunately there are quite a few. I once was a photo whore. I am slowly weeding out the pictures I feel inappropriate for public display, even though only my friends can see these pictures, not all friends are really close friends. I am a mother and a hard ass working woman, so I don’t want people to get the wrong idea about me. I am more than a picture; I’m much deeper than anyone could ever know.
Back to my rant, girls if you let a man grab your boobs while drunk or lick on your chest, chances are he thinks you are a whore and would never respect you number one much less take your ass out on a date. Come on girls, you have a brain , I promise, if you will dig past all your hair and makeup you might see that just being the real you could actually work and you could still have fun without looking like a ridiculous girl or even a whore.
Girls, seems to be the main rant that I have here, because surely no women go around doing this. Although I have to say I am ashamed to say that I have ran across some female UNPRIVATE profiles ( yet again let me say dumbasses) that are old enough to be my mother dressed like skanks and out in bars all the time. I feel that I cracked my true shell about 6 months ago and woman hood as finally came out in me. Just because I have a 7 year old that never made me a woman. My thoughts, views, and perspective on the way I viewed myself seemed to change and then I thought that if my views and values go up then I have to keep this going. Many will see my photo whoring days have really came to a stop, I no longer upload 50 photos at a time of one outing. This was just ridiculous. I love pictures, please don’t get me wrong, photography is another passion of mine, and I believe every picture is worth keeping you’re your own reasons, but this doesn’t mean that you have to share them with everyone on your page.
So my rant as gone everywhere at this point and I’m not really sure that I accomplished the rant that I set out to accomplish. None the less, girls stop being tramps, respect yourself more. No man will ever respect a female that goes around letting everyman in the bar touch her and grope her in public eye. Get it together girls, we come to a point in our life where we must grow up and crack that dam shell of womanhood. So embrace it , don’t fight it. Find one man and let him feel upon you at your home or in private not in the public eye, because if I see you I guarantee you that I will talk about you and pass judgment on you. Its kind of hard not to.