it's me again

Well here I am again trying this blogging thing, but this time making it public. It seems that everytime I have a life changing experience I remember how to write again. Inspirations comes and goes with me, it's never when I expect it and hits me hard when I have no idea what to do with it. It's funny how someone likes me decides on if she is really happy in life. I feel that I have hurdled so many obstacles and have a lot to show for my hard work, however at times I don't know if I'm happy, sad, or just numb to this whole process we call life. I've always been skeptical to think that a woman needs a man to survive or that I need one. Relationships are not my best forte and I think this is because I'm not your normal species. Yes I know if you are a woman you are thinking you feel exactly the same way and if you are a man reading this you are thinking, sure you are, all woman think this. I'm normally only happy for a short period of time anytime I am with a man, normally this is in the beginning and things change, people change, grow together, grow apart, whatever the fuck you want to call it, nothing ever stays those same. Someone always changes, someone always stops trying hard, someone just stop all together, etc. I could go on for days. I'm really just rambling at this point because I've lost all train of thought. My mind races 90MPH at all times, and normally at about 150MPH when I try to go to sleep at night. I guess what I'm trying to get at it this skeptical woman that once felt that she did not need a man to make her happy is beginning to think with old age that maybe I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. Maybe I want to cook dinner for someone at night and maybe just maybe I would like to have another child before my 8 year old is 16. I have came to a point in my life where NUMBNESS is all I feel. I don't feel sad, I don't feel angry, I don't feel anything at all and I do not like this. I've always loved every emotion that I've ever felt. I've always been a very passionate person and thrived off of the way things made me feel and now I don't have any of this and I don't feel like me. I'm lost, numb, and just seem to ramble.