As I sit at work with some downtime as I listen to my iPod I feel at a loss for words for the first time in awhile. I wonder how women like me keeps falling victim to such dumbasses and frauds. After everything I have been through I feel that each time my standards get higher and higher and I become harder to please by men. I've never been with a woman so I am not sure that even a woman could please me. However, recently I was fooled more than I feel that I have ever been fooled and I wasn't sure that could be accomplished after my ex-husband who was leading two lives. Although my ex was a drunk and dated underage woman I also knew something was not right about him. I could always sense it. However, recently I was blinded by a man that I thought had met all qualities that I finally knew I wanted in a man. I thought I feel in love with a man that in the end only was that man for a very short period. He told me stories of his ex girlfriend and her psychotic ways and how he only ever stayed with her because he just became comfortable. He portrayed to me that I was everything he was looking for so I brought him into my daughters life and allowed him to spend time with us, then literally three months later I started to see a change. All the things he did to get me, such as; sweet compliments, attention, respecting my ways on my body, mind, and soul. He was patient with me about sex, he was anxious to meet my daughter, or so I thought. Then it all stopped, and I don't mean that it all these things were not done as often, I mean they stopped. He stopped opening the doors for me, he stopped complimenting me, and the sex stopped. The connection that we had was lost so I ended it thinking it just didn't work out, only to find out months later that this crazy ex-girlfriend that he spoke so awful of he is now trying to communicate with her again and tell her how he missed them. And I'm just awe struck and confused. Was everything he told me about this girl even true? I'm beginning to think that she was not the crazy one but that he was the crazy one. There were a few instances where he snapped on me for no reason when he was drunk. He had done something to show his ass and made a fool out himself to turning it around on me, saying I was the one acting a fool and showing my ass and embarrassing him. He literally went psycho on my ass but I always tried to sum it up as he was "drunk" and then a great guy friend of mine said, "Rachel, a drunken man's actions and words are a sober man's thoughts" and it clicked and was like fuck this. It's only been 6 months why should I continue to deal with this. A relationship isn't supposed to suck to bad after 6 months right? You shouldn't have this many problems within the first 6 months but I thank God that this all did happen so quickly. I wanted to marry him and I wanted to have a child with him and I never wanted to have another child. I feel in love with an image he portrayed to only find out he is a completely different person and I am not sure he knows who he is. Anyways I do not understand how I wind up with men like this. I understood when I was younger and I understood how it happened before I got divorced. I had NO standards and no expectations, and now maybe I just have too many. The main reason for this blog is just to say I'm mind fucked after reading some exchanging emails from my most recent ex and his ex. Confusing and mind boggling how some people can lead two completely different lives, like Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. On a positive note I have came to realize that I'm happier than ever in my life without any relationship to worry about, stress, about , or even enjoy. I have been able to find me and realize that my happiness was always there within me. I just always masked it with people that hid it from me and allowing me to show my true potential. Even if I'm alone until I die I honestly believe I will be happy just being a mother, and independent woman.