Merry Christmas 2013

Today I feel thankful for many different things. I know Thanksgiving is the time to share your feelings for feeling thankful and grateful but the past two years I have felt more love than I have ever felt in my whole life. Not because family and friends did not give me love, but because I was so angry and mad with things from myself that I let them fester that I lost out on love that was given to me. One person set me free without even knowing how much he has changed me. This man taught me how to forgive, let go, and love. I went from feeling like the outcast in my family to feeling like I am truly apart of my family.  I feel that I am accepted and loved for me. All the years I thought I was the ‘black sheep’ and didn’t belong I was so blinded that I couldn’t see how much I was like my mom and like my grandmother. How I am no longer bothered that I would turn out like them, but now grateful and hopeful that I can only turn out to be the women that they are; strong, independent, caring, fierce, forgiving and so many more things that these two great women have meant in my life. I hate that it took me until I was 30 years old to realize the positive in my life, the women that gave me the strength to be half the women they are and hopefully in the future be all the woman that they are.

Over times friends have been made and friends have been lost. Some long standing friends, others only short timers, but it is the ones that were the oldest of friends that I miss. Ones from the beginning, from freshman year that I wish I could repair friendships with now later in my life.  To start over, start fresh, let by gone be by gone and keep in touch, but not all fences are meant to be mended no matter how much one wants to repair the damage that has been done. I miss the girlfriends I had yet I am grateful for the time that we did have and will always treasure the moments we did create when our bonds where strong. Although times have changed and hearts have too, I will never forget the friendships that we had and the times that we shared together. I can only hope that each one feels the same and has no hard feelings. I have learned that sometimes we cannot continue to rehash old memories or moments and continue to relive  this situations, because the outcome probably would have been the same or would eventually in the end.

Each day feels like a struggle for me mentally, which most cannot understand, not by choice, unfortunately by things, which I have no control over. 90% of the time the medicine works but the 10% it doesn’t. It is hard, hard to understand, hard to grasp, hard to put on a happy face, but moments like today or over the past week makes it easier and with each passing day that 10% that it feels so hard to go on becomes a distant memory, something that doesn’t even exist. I feel more warmth and love in my heart now than I have probably ever felt in my entire life. I am certain it is strange to some, and no fault to anyone’s but my own. I harbored bad feelings and moments and lived on them that I didn’t realize the wonderful things and moments going on in front of me. But at this moment and at this time, I am thankful and grateful for the ones that I got to share great moments with, mainly the ones that I shared a sweet memory and time with. Those times will never be forgotten and because of this man that has came into my life I can now treasure the positive moments had with each person that I have encountered in my life, even if times have changed and friendships/relationships have been lost. This man has made me the better person and for that I will eternally be grateful for. Love has a new meaning and outlook for this girl that was once lost. I can now see myself turning into a woman I can be proud of and one that hopefully my daughter will be proud of as well. Merry Christmas from the woman that once felt her heart was of coal to the woman now that feels so much love finds it hard to contain these days.

It's been a long time....

On the verge of breaking, heart is heavy, and mind so full sleep does not come easy.

Burdens that I seem to always carry and hide from until they become to much that I eventually feel like I’m being swallowed by a whale. Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe. Like every breath I do take I only inhale enough oxygen just to live another day. I’d crawl in a hole and hide there if I could until this ended to save everyone around me the agony of being around my miserable ass.

Tired of the never-ending cycle. Tired of trying. Tired of feeling this way.

How does one cope? It seems this is something I never quite learnt. I hold it all in until it has festered into this huge ball of fuck that I cannot control or function with.

I wish I could make it all go away. I wish I could get someone to understand the way I feel. Why am I so sad? Why am I so mad? Why can’t this be someone else instead of me? Hasn’t my time come to be able to let this all go?

How can one feel so alone when surrounded by a child that loves you more than the world itself, a man that I believe truly loves me for me, and a loving family? Yet something feels like it is missing? Is there something wrong with me? Am I missing a part to this thing I call my brain? Is my heart so heavy or dark that I am my own worse enemy? Am I my only problem? I don’t know….

Sometimes it feels like the world is caving in on me and at this moment I’m certain that I would take it crashing on me. Landing on me, maybe it would end this overwhelming pressure I feel to be something that maybe I’m just not cut out to be.

How do you explain to love ones that you feel nothing inside? How do you explain the hollowness? How do you explain the sadness? Lastly how do I make it stop?

A million miles is what it feels like I have walked. Although I know I have accomplished a lot on my own, probably more than anyone ever thought I could, but I am tired. At 31 I feel like 61. I tried to grow up to fast, then was forced to grow up when I had no idea how to and now I’m just tired. My brain, my heart, my soul, and my body are tired. Tired of the miles I walked.

It feels like a thousand tiny stones being thrown at my heart, slowly trying to chip away everything that I’ve worked so hard to maintain.

It feels as if my lungs are about to collapse, as if someone has taken a dead corpse and laid it over my body. . .

Gasping, struggling, screaming inside. Where has everyone gone? Why is no one around? Why must I always be the wall, the strong one?

Fainting, leaving, never looking back. . . it feels as if I keep reliving the same story over and over. Never ending with a new outcome, always the same. Always misdirected, always wishing and hoping that something will change this time around.

Lonely, captured, tortured… no one reaches out to me. Slowly, sorrowfully, mourning at the end.

Exhausted, overwhelmed, done. Not sure how much more I have to give, needing something back in return.

Hurting without Rock, paper, and scissors. . . 

Unmasking the emotions ......

I seemed to have found myself somewhat on the emotional side this weekend with the welcoming of Haleigh’s new step sister into the world on Friday. It seems as though for 9 months Haleigh has been dreading the day she would come, afraid she would be forgotten or left behind. Terrified that the little time she does get to have with her father, would soon be replaced by a new ‘baby girl’ has her father calls her. However, I never anticipated the emotions and overwhelming feelings that I felt when she was born. Not for the reasons that I love this man, wish I were still with him, but more less the fact that I am afraid that ‘little ole me’ is going to be left behind. I never in a million years would have thought that my ‘ex’ would marry again, much less before I did, and then to have another child. Dear lord I feel that he has struggled enough trying to be a dad to one child and after 10 years starting to get the hang of it. Here I have been, working hard for the past 6-7 years to make a life, a foundation for Haleigh and I. I’ve done all the right things with the exception of 1 or 2 things (relationships) that I’ve introduced her into when I shouldn’t have. Other than that I have always kept my life outside of being a mom away from her.  To protect her, show her the way I want her to live a life, not like the one he has lived for so many years. I think a bit of me is jealous. Jealous that I couldn’t provide a family for Haleigh before he did. It’s silly I know, but to give Haleigh a home, with a real man that loves both of us and give her a sister is something I’ve wanted and it seems that here recently it seems to be more than anything that I want. I’m tired of it just being her and I, and now I’m even more afraid that since the new baby has come, and their family seems a whole lot more ‘COMPLETE’ than ours, I will be easily discarded or pushed to the side. She will want to spend more time over there, and become less interested in the ‘life’ I created for us. Although I do find myself thankful to have the man that I do in my life, he is my balance and he is more than I could ever have imagined for myself and for Haleigh, this has nothing to do with him. I think it is just a hard pill for me to swallow to think that I may no longer be the ‘main’ person in my daughter’s life when before him that seems to be all that I’ve had. Thankful for him in more ways than he could understand, as he took it better than I could have thought when my emotions ran a little more deep than I had expected. I am happy for Haleigh’s dad, and that is genuine in more ways than one. I am happy that he has a 2^nd chance to do what’s right before it’s too late, or before too many memories can be engraved upon a child’s memories and heart forever like they were with Haleigh. I really do like his wife, and as strange as that is to most, I think that maybe in another life or another time, her and I could have been really good friends. I have to say the best part is that the ‘3’ of us all get along very well and I think that is because of Logan, his wife. She may very well be the woman that makes him a better man or at least on his toes. I am thankful for her and the way she treated Haleigh this weekend. Keeping her involved every moment she could. Assuring Haleigh at each moment how much her little sister already loved her. With all things said and the gratefulness that I do have, I still find my heart weeping just a bit. As Haleigh was gone all weekend (on my weekend) to visit and be with them on this great moment in their lives, I missed her, probably more than I ever have. My heart ached when she called and when she expressed how excited she was to spend this upcoming weekend with them. Dumbfounded how one can feel happy yet so sad at the same time. I’m sure this time will pass, I will survive, but at this moment, I feel a little replaced. Strange huh, Haleigh was the one worried about feeling replaced by a new younger sister and in 9 months it never crossed my mind that I would have felt any effects of this. Maybe this just proves that I am an even better person that I give myself credit for, that just maybe I have more of a heart than I knew. 

Love all.....

 

Currently I am not one that listens to the News or have much of an opinion on what’s going on in the world. I try to concentrate on what is going on in my world and my life that I can control to some degree. However, currently in the news, the Supreme Court battle with the Gay Right Marriage has caused a lot of debate and News Feed on my Facebook. I can honestly say that my stand point is pretty simple. Love is love, love is not easy, love is not blind, love is something to cherish. Love is not always something so easy to come by. With that said, whether you decide to love someone intimately of the same sex means no difference to me. I also feel that it would be wrong of me to hate or discriminate against someone who is in a same sex relationship. Who am I to judge, who are you to judge? Honestly at the end of the day, it is really no one’s damn business. With this being said I find myself as a parent allowing my daughter to create her own thoughts and feelings against homosexuality and heterosexuality. I have explained to her that just because one person loves or cares for another person that is of the same sex we should not judge them, shun them out, or even make a big deal of it. It is what it is. You love who you love, and no one should be judged or even singled out for that. Although my daughter has clearly stated she likes the opposite sex, I have also explained to her that even if she didn’t I would love her no less. As long as one is happy, treated with respect, and love is encountered, I will not love her or anyone else that I know any less because they love for the same sex.

I saw a great post on Facebook that I thought was perfect. Hit it right on the head, “ To everyone who opposed Gay Marriage or believes that your bible gives you the moral authority to dictate the rights of others, your children will look back at you like we look at those who told blacks and women that they didn’t have the same rights as white men.” PERIOD, enough said and so true. I think about the equality of this country and our rights as people of this great nation, why are we still fighting such small insignificant things? When there is starving children in our country, wars with other countries going on around us, is “same sex marriage” really that high on the pole? Again, is it really any of our business? Just as women and blacks faced obstacles in their lives for years and decades, why should this go on and on for Same Sex Relationships. It is small, bottom line, we should all be equal, neither age, sex, nor ethnicity should hold part in that. I am not saying that if you are completely against gay marriage then you are wrong, everyone is entitled to their opinion, but just as the quote states above, we have moved mountains in the racial department (not to say that all race issues have been resolved) but we are not segregated anymore. Women are now in higher positions than they ever would have thought decades ago. Why draw this out more than it should? You don’t have to agree with it, you don’t even have to like it. This is a Free Country and you are entitled to feel and express yourself as you feel freely, but also remember that “Ignorance is Bliss.” Love should be something we value and enthrall upon people not cause controversy. Love is supposed to be a happy time, not a downfall because of who you love or why

.

Over the past few days I’m sure I will see more opinions of Close Friends and Family and find myself struggling with their comments when I feel that I am so unbiased in this situation. I have to say that the toughest comments to swallow are by loved ones, ones that raised you. I find myself questioning how one can call themselves “Christian” or “nonjudgmental” when their post can be viewed or read as judging and coming off with only a one track mind of thinking one way and one way only. Are Christians’ not supposed to love everyone, not judge others, and accept everyone for who they are? I hope that if situations were ever to change and my daughter was to fall in love with someone of the same sex, how would my close friends and family react? Would they change their minds? Would they become more open to “accept” and “love” her just because she is family or close friends? This is where my struggles lie with this. I want to teach my daughter that no one should be left behind, love who you want and most of all Love with all your heart. Like I said before, love is a gift, love is a passion, and love shouldn’t be judged because not everyone is so blessed to have love or ever encounter what true love is. We should not judge someone by whom they love and how they love them. Love should be accepted in all FORMS.

Just my opinions, that are meant to not offend or hurt anyone that reads them. 

My Insomnia and Night Terror findings....

So after lots of research of Insomnia I have narrowed mine down to Primary Insomnia. For years I have tried to act as if my sleeping issues were just stress but after researching and studying the cause and effects of Insomnia I am more certain than ever I suffer from this and the research that I found is not reassuring that it can be cured and is something I will deal with for maybe the rest of my life.

Primary insomnia isn't a symptom or side effect of another medical condition. It is its own distinct disorder, and its cause isn’t well understood. Primary insomnia usually lasts for at least 1 month. Many life changes can trigger primary insomnia. It may be due to major or long-lasting stress or emotional upset. Even if these issues are resolved, the insomnia may not go away. Trouble sleeping can persist because of habits formed to deal with the lack of sleep. These habits might include taking naps, worrying about sleep, and going to bed early.

http://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/health/health-topics/topics/inso/causes.html

Some Basic signs and symptoms of Insomnia, most are a gimme but one stood out to me that I never would have imagined that I have always seemed to deal with.

The main symptom of insomnia is trouble falling or staying asleep, which leads to lack of sleep. If you have insomnia, you may: • Lie awake for a long time before you fall asleep • Sleep for only short periods • Be awake for much of the night • Feel as if you haven't slept at all • Wake up too early The lack of sleep can cause other symptoms. You may wake up feeling tired or not well-rested, and you may feel tired during the day. You also may have trouble focusing on tasks. Insomnia can cause you to feel anxious, depressed, or irritable. Insomnia also can affect your daily activities and cause serious problems. For example, you may feel drowsy while driving. Driver sleepiness (not related to alcohol) is responsible for almost 20 percent of all serious car crash injuries. Research also shows that insomnia raises older women’s risk of falling.

http://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/health/health-topics/topics/inso/signs.html

Feeling drowsy while driving is one that I have had for at least the past 3 years. There is many times where I have felt like I could easily close my eyes while driving to work in the morning or home in the evening and fall asleep. At times I have to roll the car windows down when it is cold outside or crank up the AC in the summer to keep myself from falling asleep while driving. Another interesting find that I stumbled across was the habits of a person who struggles or struggled with sleeping at one time finds themselves continuing to worry about going to sleep causing themselves to deprive them of sleep due to worrying about lack of sleep. I have been doing this a lot lately. More than ever honestly, I find myself worried each night whether I am going to go to sleep or not, how long will I actually get to sleep, and or how many times will I get up if I do go to sleep.

However, in some people, the bad habits are reinforced, the person "learns" to worry about his or her sleep, and sleeplessness continues for years after the stress has subsided. Therefore, it is also called learned insomnia or behavioral insomnia.

http://www.emedicinehealth.com/primary_insomnia/page2_em.html

More interesting finds of Primary Insomnia that never would have occurred to me but seems to be truth to most all of the below:

Primary Insomnia Symptoms Psychophysiological insomnia: • Sleep disturbance varies from mild to severe. (yep this is me) • Sleeplessness may manifest as difficulty falling asleep or as frequent awakenings in the night. (Me too) • Persons with insomnia often find that they can sleep well anywhere else but in their own bedroom. (oddly enough me too, did not know this until recently) • Persons with this type of insomnia tend to be more tense and dissatisfied compared to good sleepers. Emotionally, they are typically repressors (suppress their feelings), denying problems.

http://www.emedicinehealth.com/primary_insomnia/page3_em.html

On top of the Primary Insomnia I have been struggling with the past week or two I have recently been having awful night terrors. Night terrors that is unexplainable and terrifying, just as the name Night Terrors. I have found myself in the terrors feeling as if I was awake but awful things happening in my house or around me, yet finding myself not able to wake up, feeling as if I can’t move and even at times feel my heart racing and even experienced an anxiety attack this week. This is another reason I found it important for me to find out more about my sleeping problems and more importantly these terrors that have paralyzed me and scared me into no sleep when sleep is what I need.

Sleep paralysis is a natural protection mechanism that prevents you from acting out your dreams. It affects most of your body, with the exception of your eyes (allowing them to demonstrate Rapid Eye Movement), chest (so your lungs can breathe freely) and sometimes minor extremities like toes, fingertips and lips. Sleep paralysis switches on and off around the sleep-wake border. As a result, sometimes people become aware of the paralysis and are shocked to find they can't move. This can be scary, inducing nightmarish hallucinations (but not always), and when it happens frequently it is classed as a sleep disorder. The experience can last anywhere from a few seconds to several minutes. It doesn't always invoke visions of evil entities, but this is a common feature when you're afraid. The experience of sleep paralysis occurs when your mind (in part) wakes up, but your body remains asleep. Physically asleep, you remain paralyzed. But mentally conscious, you may start to panic and the half-dreaming mind conjures up nightmarish images to "explain" what is happening, often based on cultural beliefs. Sleep paralysis is common: half of the world's population may experience this condition at least once in their lives. The condition is more likely to arise if you are under stress and/or have disturbed sleep cycles due to shift work, narcolepsy, sleep deprivation, jet lag, and other sleep disorders.

http://www.world-of-lucid-dreaming.com/sleep-paralysis.html

Ah ha, last statement, disturbed sleep cycles, this would explain it. But I guess the reason I was prone into looking into this is that I suffer off and on with Insomnia, sometimes going months without any problems sleeping or going months with continued sleep problems, sometimes weeks with only about 5 hours of sleep. However, I have never encountered Night Terrors like I have until this week. This is scary beyond recognition. I found it hard to move, get up, and calm myself down just to relax in my own home. This is a scary thing for anyone. To feel paralyzed and frightened in your own home, to feel as if you are a prisoner to your body and cannot escape.

If sleep paralysis is just a dream, then why does it feel so real? Some of the effects ARE real. This state is a very clever merger of waking consciousness with the dream world. It's a bizarre mind trick. For instance, footsteps thumping towards the bed are often a distortion of the sound of your own heartbeat, pounding in your chest due to all the adrenaline. Hearing your assailant breathing unnaturally is common too - thought to be the sound of your own gasps for breath in this panicked state. The feeling of your body being paralyzed is real, too. Releasing yourself from the grip of the paralysis is one way to end this terrifying situation (see below). However, the perceived difficulty to breathe properly is what causes many people to imagine an entity trying to harm them (by stopping them breathing or crushing their chest). It's important to remember here that the effect is psychosomatic.

http://www.world-of-lucid-dreaming.com/sleep-paralysis.html

I’m hoping that after finding and researching more about what has been going on with my sleep patterns and disturbance in dreams I can try to reassure myself that I have to control my behavioral patterns in order to sleep and not to create a ‘LEARNED’ behavioral pattern once my period of insomnia has worn off by causing it to go into further time periods and possibly giving me extreme night terrors.

Just a mother's rant....

Everyone is entitled to an opinion and in most cases I’m not one to share mine but usually only on my blog because not many view it or read it. I am definitely not one to post my opinions or disappoints on my FB statuses or about celebrities and what they get caught doing or stupid shit they have done. I could honestly care less about a celebrity and what they are doing. I have enough to worry about in my own every day NORMAL life to concern my thoughts or opinions upon celebrities. However, scanning around on ABC World News website this morning I ran across the Entertainment section and was disappointed to see 2 of my daughter’s favorite Disney Characters starring in a new movie, definitely not a DISNEY produced movie. I get it, these girls are grown now, and Disney is over for them, they are 18. Why should they not explore the grown up acting abilities in Hollywood? Start staring in movies not just fan geared by the little girls of Disney. But this one disturbs me and I guess mainly for the fact that I have always liked these 2 girls roles and music and felt that they were wholesome or at least they hung on to the ‘wholesome’ a little bit longer than Miley and other Disney starts have. I guess for some reason I felt this one (Selena Gomez) was going to be different and keep her ‘wholesome’ appeal. That she was a genuine girl and wouldn’t get caught up into Roles that would not be a very good example for her fan base. Yes, I do get it. She is trying to expand her Fan Base, but why this role. Seems like there would have to be more opportunities for a girl with her talent. However, this role in this movie seems like a Brittney Spears experience or Miley Gone Wild Movie and the worst part was hearing her speak about the movie, all 4 of these young girls as if they had just been in one of the going to be ‘greatest of all time’ controversial movies ever. I mean seriously watch the trailer first. Then listen to the clip at the end. It breaks my heart for my daughter that any Star Child will ruin any image they have for a buck, or for a new fan base, or maybe just publicity. Where are the good Role Models for daughters these days or for any child? Why does every one child actor have to eventually ruin their image with SEX, Drugs, explicating their bodies? I guess I know the reason, I was young once and I was stupid and not famous, I’m sure the pressure is much more when in the limelight all the time. At a certain age you want people to view you as an adult or a maturing adolescent but it always goes by faster than one could ever image. It’s like in the blink of an eye, one moment that can define you for the rest of your life. Maybe not in all circumstances but in most I think kids that try to grow up to fast, wind up growing up faster than they ever wanted and realize how if they could turn that clock back they would. I know, I was one of these kids. However, back to Selena and Vanessa, I hate to think that the girls that I use to not mind buying stuff from; music, movies, TV shows, will now be showing their bodies off in tiny bikinis, become ski mask wearing gangs. Yes I know it’s a movie but Monkey See Monkey Do and this is truer for Girls than boys. Little girls see their idols like this growing up and acting different parts and who’s to say that perhaps that little girl won’t want to be just like them because they have always wanted to dress like them, sing like them, be them when playing with friends. Hopefully, my H won’t fall into this category but she is a 10 year old girl and even though the values I have taught her and the way she should want to be perceived does not mean she will always follow this. Mainly I just wanted to get off my chest how for once I was disappointed in a child celebrity, others had been expected and I’m not sure why I thought different of these. Just a concerned mother who wants only the best for her daughter just laying some lines out there of my opinions and thoughts on this particular movie. Movie Clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=EvlGXNOtd2E Girls talking about the movie: http://www.mtv.com/videos/movies/872078/spring-breakers-stars-stripped-down-for-their-roles.jhtml My stomach was literally in knots hearing these girls talk about these roles as if they are life changing. For the love of GOD where have all the Good Girls gone that don’t have to play stupid mindless idiots with no clothes on in a movie???

W O R D S

Christmas 2012

As I lay in my bed Christmas eve morning it is still dark in my room due to the rain outside and H is still sleeping and the dog is cuddled up next to me, not quite ready to wake up himself just yet. I start to send my Merry Christmas love to some very important people in my life. One family in particular that has given me a best friend since high school and now her sister who has became my sole companion, the one I can't go without talking to. Although I miss my first best friend, Linz, we have drifted apart because of time, life, and distance. Although in my heart she will always be forever my best friend, somehow I was blessed enough to find a best friend in her sister, who lives across the street and is here.so when I think about it, this family was placed in my life 15 years ago for a reason, I just never would have thought that 15 years later this family touches my heart and life in ways that are indescribable. Not only did this family give me two wonderful women that I get to call my best friends but they always opened their home for me on holidays after my H would leave to be with her family. For the few years I did spend alone after H left I was sad, miserable, and normally drunk. Every Christmas or thanksgiving for at least the past 3 years if not 5 have opened their arms to letting me be apart of their Christmas night dinner and even thanksgiving meals. I'm not sure if any realize what they gave me when they did this or how much it touche me. I am not even sure I quite realized how much it meant to me until this morning. When I awoke it dawned on me I would not see this family this Christmas and my heart sunk and tears began to flow ( although let me be clear, they were not tears of sadness , but tears of happy thoughts/) I wrote on each ones wall to say Merry Christmas and thank you and to say how much I would miss them. This year they are all in TX where they belong together and I couldn't be happier that they all get to spend Christmas in TX together. I know how much this means to this family.I realized after I had written each one of them that my tears and feelings were way more than I had anticipated. Not only are they in Tx but this year Christmas is different for H and I. Now I have been blessed to have the most wonderful man come into my life and for the first time in 7 years H and I are going to spend Christmas with a family that is not ours. We were invited to spend Christmas eve with his family, and even though I'm a bit overwhelmed with this years change of events I realize that my life is taking a different turn and a new chapter is beginning, not only for me but for H as well. So to end this, this Christmas has been one I'll never forget, for the first time I am more in the Christmas spirit than I have been in what seems like ages, my TX family is in TX this year, and I start a new chapter in my life with this man I'm so madly in love with. Feeling more emotions than I could ever write down but thankful and blessed is what comes to mind. Merry Christmas 2012.

Picky Eater......

I must say I find it frustrating feeding H. If its not plain and simple or one ingredient that she can see that she is not familiar with, might as well throw out out the window ..... I growing up and am sure many my age would agree, you ate what was put in front of you or you left the table hungry. However I feel that I am solely responsible for H's eating habits. When I divorced it seemed easier to let H eat what she wanted. Plus it didn't seem like cooking for 2 was ever really an option because most things she ate I didn't and vise versa and it wasn't worth the fight or struggle to put my foot down on eating or going without. And now it bites me in the butt. So this morning I woke up thinking I'll get up and cook her breakfast, she loves it so much, specifically sausage. So I cooked her some sausage and then made a sausage cream cheese casserole with crescent rolls. I just knew I couldn't go strong with this. All the things this childs loves for breakfast, sausage and rolls/biscuits. Well NO ! Couldn't be that easy, stupid cream cheese messed it up for her. She took one tiny bite and said she didn't like. Defeated again a against this child's taste buds :( so I told her she could finish her piece of sausage but then she would have to go upstairs and go without unless she decided she wanted to eat this casserole. Now as I sit downstairs I feel awful. I feel like I've sent my kid upstairs and she is starving to death ( although I know this is not the case) but its eating at me. It seems cruel and unfair, so again I'm sure I'll cave in about 10 minutes and fix her something else to eat..... Cooking and feeding a picky child is frustrating and exhausting.

Battles & Struggles

Tonight was one of those nights filled with restlessness and a constant battle of tossing and turning and trying to make the wheels inside my head stop. For the first time in what seems like a very long time I lost it on H’s dad tonight. Any that knows me or knows me well enough knows the hassle that he has given me for years, basically since the divorce. There were times in between where he was normal and seemed like he might just be turning himself around, but over and over again he shows himself to be a truly lost person and not a good hearted man at all. My H has struggled and strived for his acceptance for years, at times getting enough to hold her by, but just when she seems to have gotten a hold of enough of him to make her feel adequate enough for him to spend time with, he remarries (without telling her) then two weeks later discloses the secret that he will be having another child. Caring for this man is not something I can do. Many many moons ago when I was young, naïve, and had lost myself I hung onto him, I clung to him (as I see clinging now by fingertips). However, my attachment to him was neither love nor any sentiment that could ever be compared to holding someone close to your heart. I was lost, I had lost myself. I stayed because I was scared, because I did want to do the right things, and because I thought that H would be enough for him to change his ways. I knew I wasn’t and understood that. I know now that wasn’t even what I wanted. I wanted H to grow up with a mother and a father. One she deserved and one she could be proud of (mother and father). But things got bad and I could see that not only was I not me, my child was not herself. So I left, after several beatings to the head physically and mentally I left. It seems like it took years for me to recover, for me to find myself back to me. Not sure I had ever really knew who I was. I battled constantly over becoming strong, not showing weakness, and with being a mother and had built up so much hatred over years, some even before the EX and it consumed me, it ate at me mentally and physically at times. Some people, lets change that most people have no idea the struggles and battles I went to war with just against myself. It seems that up until just this year I finally found me. That I am comfortable with the woman I have grown into and even now it saddens me that I have not been on my A game or even B game at the truth for H and that is what hurts. Because although I knew I wanted her to have at least one parent she could be proud of, it seems that it took me almost 5 years to recover myself. 5 years of her life for her mommy to figure out where she stood in life and as her mother. This child has always deserved so much better than me but now that my eyes open I am more thankful than I could ever be that H is mine, she is my air, she is my strength, she is the one that who has made me the woman I am today. Not me, not my struggles, not my own emotional battles that I have overcome; it is H that has saved me. Where is this coming from and why does this have me restless and not able to sleep? After 5 years I went back to the Child Support office to have things automated with Child Support because every week it’s a struggle and hassle to get her father to pay a mere $100 for child support. Which is way less than the original agreement and the fact that I also keep up with the insurance. But when I think about it, I wouldn’t want him to the be the one responsible for keeping insurance on H, he isn’t reliable and who knows when another job is going to bite the dust with him. Needless to say he found out today that I had filled with the Child Support Office to get what is rightfully H’s (not mine, but hers) I don’t want to receive anything from him anymore than child support which helps take care of her. He called first to say he knew, and tried to play it off calmly that he wasn’t mad, but I know this man and I know him better than I think he knows himself. I could hear the anger in his voice. And I knew when I did this, he was going to try and bully me to back off and not go through the Courts like he has done so many times. But finally my strength is enough I will not let him bully me any longer. I am not scared of him, he cannot hurt me. His words will not scare me from doing what H needs me to do. The conversation continued and of course he started to tell me that I wouldn’t get more money, in fact I would get less than $400 a month from him which is what I might get now if he pays on time. I tried to tell him its not about the money, it’s the fact that I am done asking 5 times in 3 days when I’m getting money to put in my bank. When is it convenient for him and his new wife to give money for H. It is not a priority on his list. As awful as it sounds H has never been his priority and it hurts me even more to say that she more than likely never will be. And this is what breaks my heart for my daughter. H. had also been having some stomach issues for about a month now, or perhaps it has been going on since she found out her daddy was having another baby. However, these stomach issues only seem to arise when she is with them for the weekend. It consumes her and she doesn’t seem to understand why she only feels this way with them. Again the breaking of my heart for her cannot be described through words on a paper. Her new step mom decided to talk to her about anxiety and nervousness and even if she did not mean it H took in a way that something was medically wrong with her and that by seeing a DR and giving her medicine would be a way to treat it. Once again let me state that whether the step mom meant this or not, this is not something she should have talked to H about. It should have been her dad or me. Needless to say H and I talked about it for about 30 minutes the prior night she returned from a weekend with them, which again was filled with stomachaches and pains. H said she felt she really needed to go to the Dr. I know H better than most, she is mine, inside and out (this is no denying) I can see when she is sick or when she is troubled and last night I saw a troubled young 10 year old confused by words from a new step mom that somehow made her feel that “she” was the problem. This is how I know that I am a better woman than years ago. Years ago I would have blew up on her, but two nights ago I tried to discuss with H “maybe what she meant” and explain why H would be feeling these things. Of course when I go to talk to Mike about it the next morning in his bullshit, condescending tone he acts as if he is on my side, that his wife should not have discussed this with H. Times like these I ask myself why I even bothered bringing it to his attention, because ultimately he does not care. He wants to sound like he does, and act as if he does but his actions always show otherwise. So back to where I started, the conversation went from me getting worked up at him by the tone in his voice and the way he was trying to convince me how going through the courts was only going to hurt me. Like him giving me $100 a week is a blessing and I am messing that up by going to the Child Support Office. Again, anyone that knows this man knows this is who he is. Always trying to push anyone or me around for that matter. However, I’m done. I was telling him that I had took H to the DR and said her exam was great, she looks great, no blockages he can feel and her stomach sounds like a normal 10 year old girl’s stomach with normal bowels. At this point I had lost it (yes this I am ashamed to say) he got to me, and I was yelling at this time that H was fine, that the problem was with Him and his new wife, and how they needed to help H feel more comfortable and more at ease and then he lost it. Like always calling me the “stupid bitch” and telling me that I am the reason H is scared to do anything or be herself. That I am the one that has made her so self-conscious she is constantly trying to appease someone. That was it. My breaking point had been breaking, I yelled, I cursed, I screamed at how much I hated him and how I hope to God that he is a better dad to this new baby than what he has been to H because he has been nothing but a disappointment to that child and she still holds hope that one day he will be the Dad she wants and needs. I hang up the phone. I run upstairs to immediately address the situation with H (thankfully she had been in the shower and only caught the end of it which was me telling him to go to hell). For this I feel awful, I am the rock, I am her foundation and I lost it and even though I may not like him, she loves him, whole heartedly with his good and all of his bad because that’s what a daughter does. H and I discussed a lot last night and I told her some things that maybe I should not have, but I feel that she is getting older that some things she needs to know. I have allowed him to put me down for years in front of her, trying to prove that I am the bigger person by never saying a word or the truth about the things he does or lies about when it comes to her. H is my world and I feel that every day, every year we grow together and I hope in time she comes to me with everything (I feel she already is starting to feel a bond between us and feels she can talk to me about most things) but no daughter is going to always tell her mother the truth. This I know. I felt H and I ended things on a good note; I apologized from the bottom of my heart to H and told her I would even apologize to her dad for the name calling and yelling at him to prove to her I am the bigger person but I just lost it. I am human, it does not make it right and I honestly do feel remorse about it, because this is not who I am anymore, I do not scream and yell and feel hatred for people, but he won last night. He finally wore me down enough where I snapped, so yes he won. But he will not win this battle of child support, I am not backing down and I will not allow him to bully me any longer. I know where I stand as a mother and I know where I stand with my daughter, I don’t need his approval nor want to ever hear his thoughts on it. She is with me 6 days a week, day and night except on his weekends, he has no idea our schedule, our routine, the way we live our lives. I did admit to H last night that when she gets older I hope she does not want to be with a man like her father. It’s so true; I think my heart would forever break if she ever wound up where I did all those years ago with a man like him. I told her that they type of man she needs will be a man like her grandfather (my dad) or like Greg. I explained how these men are established, have worked hard for what they have, show women respect, take care of a home, family, and live a normal routine life. That is what H deserves. No girl wants to hear that her dad is not a prize, and maybe I shouldn’t have opened that box so soon with her but everyday it scares me, scares me that she will one day love a man like her dad, unstable, emotional mess, never knowing where he is going and more than likely never ending up where he thought he was supposed to be. So needless to say this had me restless last night. Restless that I am still upset with myself for letting him get under my skin, for allowing him to push me to a limit I thought I was pass. I am pass it, but last night I felt I had a voice and wanted him to HEAR Me about what he is doing to H and how I am tired of it. She deserves so much more. However, on a side note and a much better one, Greg was here after and he just let me lie in his lap and talk about it. He listened, not knowing what to say (not knowing he didn’t need to say anything) that him being there was more than enough. He seemed to have calmed me down and made me feel better just with his presence. This is what makes me feel like I have to be the luckiest woman to have met him and for him to be in my life and H’s. I was very reluctant to talk to Greg about what had happened not 10 minutes before we walked in the door, but the minute I put my head down on him and he rubbed my back, it was instantaneous how the words flew from my mouth discussing the situation. He is the man I want H to look up to along with any good man including my father. Although Greg made me feel better, I still struggled all night playing it over and over in my head the things I said to him. How could I have let him get me there? Ashamed that I lost it. But it is over now and hopefully this, these words on this paper will put my heart and head at ease.

'love'

It's funny how 'love' changes things. To let go and knock down walls. Walls that I am sure I've had up for most of my life. Never wanting to completely let go and never really showing the person that I didn't even know existed in me. I've always heard others say that someone made them a better person and I never quite believed it. I have always felt that I have the control over who I am and that I've always been the better person. However, 'love' has shown me a new road. It is taking me places that I never knew existed, allowing myself to tear down the walls and letting someone in. I now believe that sometimes one special person can make someone a better person, because everyday I am around him I feel better. I feel more human, I feel emotions and desire connections and relationships with friends and family more than I ever have in my whole life. He is the sole reason for these new desires and emotions running through my body. He makes me feel alive and he makes me feel loved. I know that some may think it is crazy, here I am 30 and for the first time feeling like someone is truly loving me and I am allowing someone to love me for me. All my life I have avoided these things (relationships, connections,emotions, etc.), and even at times felt that I was 'in love' only to realize NOW that I have never been in love until this moment. I have never torn the walls down enough for anyone to really love me or for me to love someone back. It amazes me how it has consumed me, changed me, softened my heart, and warmed my soul. He makes me feel things I wasn't sure I would ever feel, much less want to feel this way. He has opened my eyes to a whole new world. One that I can't wait to explore further with him. For the first time in what seems like forever I am in the Christmas spirit, I have enjoyed decorating and taking the time to buy presents for everyone else. He has put me in the spirit which not only makes me feel like a better person, but makes me a better mom for H. I have been a scrooge for years, and I hate that she has those memories, however I feel this is a turning point and from here on out Christmas will be one of her favorite memories going forward. 'love' has changed me, 'his love for me' has revived me. 'his love' was worth waiting for. 'love' has made a grumpy old soul into a warm heart-filled human being...

Nothing wrong with a Heavy Heart...

Sometimes I feel as if I am perceived as this type of person that has no feelings or can’t fathom sensitive emotions or be a sensitive person in general. But for anyone who really knows me, truly knows me, knows that I am a big ball of emotion and a lot more sensitive than most would think. I may not wear my emotions on my sleeve, but they definitely weigh on my heart very heavily, whether they are good feelings, feelings of doubt, worry, etc., they are there. And at times they consume me so much that I forget to stop, breathe, and re-evaluate what is weighing on my heart so much. I have to remind myself to not overthink every situation and sometimes find it hard to talk about the things that are weighing on my hear t so much. I don’t want to come off as this person who is not strong enough. I want to feel that I can conquer anything, although I am learning that sometimes I have to ask for help and sometimes I need to talk things out, I find it hard for me to give into this. I feel that I am the Rock, I am the foundation for Haleigh, and so I feel that this foundation should be solid and should be able to conquer all things, but then again I’m beginning to think that maybe I should show weakness to her. Let her know that sometimes you have to reach out, and that it is ok to fall apart at times. That you don’t have to constantly have it together, and that it is ok to show emotions whether it is sadness, happiness, or anger. I feel that I am constantly battling with myself to be this mother in hopes one day she is proud of me and the relationship that we had and continue to have as she grows older, and doesn’t resent how I was as a mother because I was too scared to show her it is ok to feel every living thing and moment in life. It’s funny how one post can start out and end with a completely different direction than I had intended for it to go. But anyone that reads this crazy ass blog knows that I might start off in right field or even pitching but usually wind up way in left field. I guess the point of this post is that the older I get, the more I feel, the more I laugh, the more I cry, and the more I am ok with it all. It’s funny to me, that getting older really does change things, I feel it is definitely changing me and only for the better. I feel and want things I wasn’t sure I’d ever want. All the things that I use to think were important don’t even register on the scale anymore. Being a good person, one who cares and does for others, and becoming someone that hopefully can be someone’s love of their life while being a good mother seems to be where my heart seems to be headed. And I’m ok with that; I am actually more than ok with that. I know it will not be a quick drive down the street, and will probably be more like the winding road that seems unsteady and dangerous at times, but I feel that if I keep my head and heart all in the same direction, eventually I will end up where I am supposed to be.

2 am

So here it is. 2 am in the morning, I'm sitting at a computer screen when I know that in 3 hours I will be back at work staring at 2 computer screens for at least the next 9 hours. Oh the joy, let me tell you. I can’t even explain my excitement that I am trying to contain with my lack of sleep and knowing this is the beginning of my insomnia kicking my ass this week. I’d say first off this has been one hell of a week at work, however yesterday morning when I woke up at what appears to be my internal clock of 5 am , I got out of the bed with the attitude I was going to embrace it, take more time to look presentable at work. First on the agenda is do something with the Mullet that is growing on my head at the moment. For those that don’t know, I cut all of my hair off, short, short as hell about 3 months ago. While I loved it (don’t get me wrong) I only truly loved it for about 3 weeks. But after those 3 weeks I still didn’t hate it, it was a love to hate, hate to love relationship and lets be honest, I have enough of those relationships in regards to my clothes, my body, my small boobs, house, car, and the list could go on. Oh and just for the record, the mullet is a cause of growing out short hair. I'm trying to hold on as long as I can before a haircut. So back to 5 am yesterday morning. I took the time to curl my hair only for the back to be flipped out like I had a serious case of windblown hit to the back of my hair with an extreme case of poof ball on the top. (no, really, I felt as if I had stuck my head out of the car door while driving 80 on the interstate and only the back of my hair got affected) Guess you can’t have the party in the back without something going on up top?? After getting something adjusted with the hair, I wasn’t ecstatic about it, but didn’t hate it enough to actually wash the damn shit. So I’ve still got plenty of time so I get out (what I consider to be a great ensemble, which really isn’t saying much) and go to put the last touch on, BOOTS so that I can wake up my daughter to surprise her that I’m all ready and I’ll walk the dog as she gets ready. Usually these rolls are reversed in this household. So I’ll be damned if I don’t go to zip my boot up and the damn zipper breaks again. And by again, I mean I just picked up my boots the following Friday from The Shoe Fixer that fixed my zipper already. @@ that’s me rolling my eyes uncontrollably when this zipper fucks up again. Great now I can’t wear this outfit, I need my boots dammit, this is when the spiral of pissiness begins with me. I’ll be damned if I don’t have a mullet, boots fucking suck, and my damn dog pisses and shits everywhere. Now I have to change clothes, now with something I’m highly unsatisfied with, walk the dog, only to find out when I bring the fucker in he had already pissed on the kitchen floor. FML, like it wasn’t bad enough that I had to clean up Piss and shit yesterday on the carpet because my dog feels that it is inhumane to take a piss while it is raining even out on the porch. The day before I had drug him outside on the leash and stood in the monsoon only for him to lay on the concrete and look terrified by the umbrella I was holding to try and help this fucker from getting wet so he would JUST PEE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD outside and not have a mess in. epic fail, thank you Brody for not helping your beloved owner out. OK OK so back to my 5 am, after the boot catastrophe, and cleaning up piss at 6 am from the dog. I’m finally able to get my daughter to my moms. At this point at least I will get to work early and get caught up, guess what? Wrong again, fucking tracking at 615 am on interstate 24 absolutely baffles me, who the fuck else goes to work at 6am or that many people that cause idiots to have wrecks and back up the interstate causing me to sit there and miss any fucking overtime I could have gotten. Then I forgot my tea at home, spilled my coffee at least twice on me and did a piss poor job of hosting a conference call with one of my big publishers. Big Pat on the back to me for 5 am yesterday. You suck. Oh yes, and after taking my boots back to the Shoe Fixer, the zipper of course works for him, then I put the boot on to show him what is happening and the conclusion is made that my calves are so damn thick they are causing the zipper to break. So now I will be spending another $50 to get the zippers replaced because I don’t want to have 2 different zippers on my boots and lets face it I was lucky when I found these boots last year to fit my fucking legs. So here’s to you Mullet, Fat Calves, Pissing Dogs and wardrobe malfunctions! Cheers to you! I really felt confident when I closed my eyes last night that my exhaustion from the day before would help me sleep. Not only was I mentally exhausted from work, but exhausted from dealing with the “sperm donor” This isn’t some new conclusion, but he is a complete fucking idiot who has no emotions or feelings in regards to his daughter at times. It feels that “even when he is trying” as he would say, he can somehow manage to fuck the smallest of things up leaving her sad and angry with him and leaving me with the one to console her. Let’s clear this up, I love being there for her, but I hate having to console her so often about her father. It is tiresome and it doesn’t seem that I can ever quite say the right thing. I mean how can I? I can’t tell her how mad and angry I am at him for doing this to her for the UMPTEENTH time?? Lord knows if he doesn’t get better with the new baby, My baby has a long road ahead of her. I just keep telling myself I can do this, I will be there for her and I will keep my mouth shut, and just wait until she is in bed to write my heart away and be angry with him on paper or blog ☺ So closing my eyes rather early at about 9 pm I drift off, but that is just it, a complete drift off, no real sleep. I’m half awake thinking about shit that doesn’t matter in the middle of the night and half dreaming about shit I would be thinking about if I was awake. How fucked up is that? Ugh I hate my brain at times like these, but hopefully this produces something that others fine entertaining in my vomit of stories from 2 am. So I look at the clock and I just know its about that time, has to be at least 5 am, so I can go ahead and get up and start early again today, and maybe make it to work as early as I had planned the day before. Fuck no, it’s 2 am, I try for about 45 minutes to go back to sleep, 30 minutes consisted of counting, it went something like this: 1 Mississippi 2 Mississippi, thoughts of Victoria Secret clothes, 3 Mississippi, 4 Mississippi, how will I fix the mullet this morning, 5 Mississippi, 6 Mississippi, what the fuck am I going to wear, 7 Mississippi, I make it to 30 Mississippi with thoughts between every 2 Mississippis and give the fuck up. This isn’t working, my switch to the brain has already been cut on and there is no help now that Mississippi can give me in going back to sleep. So my next strategy, lets look at meaningless crap on the internet on my phone, this sometimes makes me sleepy, wrong again. Ok Ok, grab your tablet and read, I normally fall asleep reading, but you know what my tablet is downstairs and if I have to get out of bed to get it what’s the point, I’m officially out of bed at this point. (yes a little crazy to think I am this lazy to go get my tablet from downstairs for something that might help me go back to sleep but by GOD MAN IT'S 2 AM AND I'M FUCKING TIRED) Hey, it is what it is. I never said I made sense or ever expect to. So 2:50 am I say Fuck it, I’m up, go write, haven’t done a rant like this in awhile, might as well now before I loose my humor and the fun that most of you will get out of this. At least someone can take appreciation out of my exhaustion. So I have 2 and a half hours ahead of me before I can wake my daughter and begin my day to work. Oh yay, baggy black eyes on a Wednesday at work. I can’t wait to start this day. HA maybe tonight I’ll get some sleep and won’t look like a walking zombie but I won’t hold my breath. So for anyone out there that may read this later today, thanks for reading, hope you got a few laughs, I’m off to watch infomercials on tv until it's some reasonable hour for me to get ready for work and day/morning dream of all the clothes and shoes I want and can’t have because I’m broke. Awesome! Hope you all slept better then me, until the next time. Bye Bye

Mind Fucked....

Here is the problem with me. One I’m fully aware of and have tried to contain or keep to a minimal. I find I’m extremely insecure in relationships or when dating someone. It seems that no matter how good something is or appears to be going, I can continue to mind fuck myself into finding the smallest thing and reading so much into it I sometimes ruin great things or cause myself to walk away so that I won’t get hurt even when there is probably not any hidden agendas or anything about to happen as I have tricked my mind into thinking. I have this idea in my head how I want things to be, certain things I want and how I want to be treated or maybe showered with attention. Is this realistic? No, but I can’t help but shake that someone is going to come along and be able to give me all the things I’ve always wanted. Simple gestures are what I am referring to, I’m not referring to being showered with gifts – I’m not a gold digger . I just would like for someone to let me know that they are thinking of me, simple gestures, a quick phone call, a little note, etc. Obviously I am a woman that needs to be reassured when someone I’m dating is still into me. I need confirmation and reassurance. I’ve thought about this several times over the years and have tried to determine the root cause of what makes me this way. I guess it basically all boils down to my ex-husband. Although I never really was in love with him he never showed me much attention or sweet gestures. He did buy me anything I wanted but there was a reason for this. This was his way to keep me in his eyes. He thought if he bought me the things I wanted it would keep me happy when all along all I needed was someone to show me attention with time and love. Obviously there was a reason for this, he was cheating and was not in love with me either. But it’s the only thing I can think of that has caused me to be like this. I don’t remember being this way before my daughter or he and I married. I was always very confident when dating someone and never stressed about why I didn’t hear from them for a few hours or be asked to do something with them at every single moment. Although I have overcome all of my other insecurities that were caused by this relationship I can’t beat this one. Maybe I am not supposed to; however I need to try and control it, keep it to myself without driving me absolutely crazy and doing something I will regret later. . . I’m at a point in my life where I know what I want as far as long term and a relationship and a life, home, and family. However, I am afraid that I am and will ultimately be the one standing in the way of all the things I want. That I will be the one that jeopardizes my future because I can’t let go of this insecurity. How does one get over such insecurity? How can I stop thinking and over thinking so much that I don’t ruin my chances of happiness and love in the future? Day by Day is all I can take it, but even after talking this out (typing) I still find myself worried and convinced that a current situation I am in is going to go bad and end very soon. That this person realizes now is not the time for a relationship for them and that maybe being single is what is needed for them at this time. . . Bottom line, I’m mind fucked.

Layers

I am the type of person that doesn't show all of me, the raw me until I'm comfortable enough. I have a hard time showing when I'm sad or upset because like 'Shrek' says 'i m like an onion with many layers. I don't always reveal all layers until I feel that person can be accepting of me and be there for me. I reach out very rarely and in very small baby steps, but if if on my first small step I am denied its like the first layer suddenly appears and its tough to break through again to the layers I've already exposed. When I reach out it may not be not appear so obvious but if I try twice to reach out and say I'm upset and one ignores it, its a big red flag to me. Deep down I'm emotional, passionate and at times just want someone to listen or even hold me and cry because sometimes i hold it in so much it feels good to be passionate and emotional. I can truly say I have this with my best friend , she is the only person who has ever seen all my layers and I like to think this is why we love each other so much. I see her and she sees me, and that's enough. But she isn't always around and sometimes we need our space so I reach out to someone I thought was ready to see more of me, discover another layer to me, but nothing. Now where do I go from here? How do I proceed with someone that didn't want to hear me be upset or talk it out , someone just to listen. Instead I get nothing and I'm at a loss for words.

Why is Parenting so hard?!

Why is parenting so hard?!I have been trying more than ever to focus on Haleigh, to be more rational to stop and think before acting and it seems when we are at home its better but the moment we get together with a friend there is always a disagreement' somebody said this ,somebody said that-she hurt my feelings, she is rude, and it just goes on and on until I'm completely exhausted mentally. It almost seems the more attention I pay and the more proactive I am I still cant win- I find myself questioning if my child is the root of the problem. Is her defense mechanism going to ruin friendships or relationships. I don't want her to wake up and be thirty and realize she has no childhood friends due to being so defensive her entire adolescence that will effect her later in life. I don't want her to be "like me" in this aspect. I've grown so much as a person but lost so much that could have been salvaged.

I started writing this Friday night after (what seemed to be an exhausting night with Haleigh and her Bff). I was upset that we spent an hour discussing friendships and learning how to love one another for the "good" and "bad," explaining that not one person is exactly the same. Needless to say after we left my heart was still heavy, I left feeling I had done something wrong, that I was lacking in my parenting with Haleigh. Then after a few days and the weekend to pass I finally realized, I'm just too hard on myself and at times with Haleigh. I want her to better than I was, I don't want her to face the problems I did, so sometimes maybe I just coach her a little too much and sometimes forget the comforting is the really the best solution. Come Monday, these girls are 9 and 10, they are merely being girls and this is how it is and I'm sure we have a long road ahead of us. Of course they are back to normal and Bffs again. I think it's hard to remember what I was like at 10, I'm just stepping back and breathing and trying to be a little less hard on myself. I am a good mother and I have great friends around me to remind me of this. However, Parenting is never going to be easy..

I DEFINE ME.

Today I have done a lot of thinking and re-evaluating things/people. I did it; I cut all of my fucking hair off because I can. Because I don’t have to worry about if someone will like it other than me, I don’t have to make anyone content but me.

The first time I said I was going to chop all my hair off and asked for opinions on it from my friends on FB, all responses were NEGATIVE from the majority of my guy friends. . . I was bothered by it last time and couldn’t believe some said that longer hair is better. Girls look prettier with longer hair, not even celebrities look that great with short hair, even the super duper hot ones. . . So I cut it, I took a chance, not for anyone else but for me. It was a bit liberating, I didn’t love it but I didn’t hate it and most of the guys that told me not to do it, liked it, some even loved it. Some stopped talking to me in general.

I’ll be 30 in October, at first I was excited and couldn’t wait. Dirty Thirty, age like fine wine, yadayda and all that bullshit. I was convinced my life was only getting better with age. And not to say that things about me haven’t gotten better, but I don’t know that you would say I’m living the ‘IDEAL ‘life either. But who am I or anyone say what someone’s “IDEAL” Life should be. . . I think what I wanted 3-5 years ago has completely changed within the last 6-12 months. I want things, relationships, work promotions that I’ve never desired before. Yes I sit here and wonder where did all that time go? H will be 10 in September?? I own a house, a car, and have a beautiful daughter and a great job that I think one day could be promising if I continue to work and show that I am not just average. . . But is this my “IDEAL” life?, I think it is somewhat incomplete or I find myself  feeling this way a lot more often as each month goes by and nears crawls to October.

So yet again today, not even really one month from when I just cut my off, I decided to go shorter. I posted pics on FB and again, negative comments from the majority of my guy friends. Some that commented directly and others that privately texted messaged me. This time I was going SHORT Short, no joke SHORT hair. . . Cutting my hair was even more liberating this time around. Not at first, I think I was shocked for the first couple of hours, and in time it may grow on me. But the sheer feeling of liberation was a feeling that I find hard find to explain even now. So back to re-evaluating, I have to ask myself, is my selection in guy friends really that bad. It seems to me that guys prefer longer hair for this reason and that reason and I understand that. Everyone likes something, but my hair does not define me. My hair does not make me prettier when its longer or blonder, or brunette, or natural. Chopping off all my hair will not make me the most hideous person in the world. If it does, than I have a real fucking problem. Guess this means my personality sucks, my individualism is not seen, and everything that I think and know that make me that cute, sexy, funny, loud, obnoxious person is my personality. Yes I do have a nice ass, and yes I do have pretty eyes and a perfect smile but I think those things are only a reflection of who I am on the inside. . . I stand out because I am me, I am not shy anymore, I am not quiet or submissive anymore. I am finally me for once, short hair, big ass, an extra 12 lbs, possibly some medical condition and an insomniac. This is me, even though I don’t always understand myself my personality is what defines me and my beauty and I don’t think I ever really saw that til just today. So back again, I don’t expect all or most of my guy friends to like my short hair, I expect most to hate it. But do me a favor don’t tell ME YOU LIKE ME BETTER WITH LONGER HAIR. Longer hair doesn’t give me sarcasm, longer hair doesn’t make me loud, longer hair does not have anything to do with liking me better. If it does than obviously I need to re-evaluate some friendships established over the years.

I have been asked many times how much it would cost me to shave my head; I use to say no money in the world was enough. But after today, the comments from men, the liberation felt, I’d almost do it just to piss everyone off, to say FUCK you! I’m pretty with long, short, blonde, brunette, natural, wavy, straight hair. Do I maybe appeal more to you with a certain style of hair, I get that. But do me a favor and don’t tell me you like me better with Long hair, I can guarantee you I will not be needing your ‘cliché’ modest friendship any longer.

To short hair and to saying Fuck you to who think I’m better with my hair or anything else that is simply materialistic. I promise I’m still me and always will be, hair does not define me. I DEFINE ME. 

Wonder

I often wonder where would I be?, what would I be doing?, only if I would have done something different.

Don’t we all wonder. What if that one thing you wonder comes back around, gives you a shot. Do you go for it?, or do you let it slip by again?  knowing that one day you will be thinking What would I be doing if I’d only tried that something different?

I often find myself stumbling on my own “what ifs” However my “what ifs” are things that now as I am older would not give up if given the chance.

Life is limitless. You decide to live it to the limit or to live it to the norm, the medium, or the safe. Your life is yours. Not anyone else’s so do what you want to do. Do what makes you happy in life even if it makes no one else happy. Piss off the world, piss off your family, but in the end don’t piss yourself off. Being pissed at yourself is worse than anything else. Most will be more forgiving and understanding but you in the end can never truly get over being pissed at yourself.

So this leads me back to, wonder where I would be? Wonder if you hadn’t have came along? Wonder if I never showed you me? Wonder if…..

Favorite Smell.....

I remembered last night how much Noxema was one of my favorites scents. It reminds me of my granny, it was all she ever used to wash her face. Using it last night reminded me of her and how I need a candle that smells like Noxema . . .
Random tid bit.