Merry Christmas 2013

Today I feel thankful for many different things. I know Thanksgiving is the time to share your feelings for feeling thankful and grateful but the past two years I have felt more love than I have ever felt in my whole life. Not because family and friends did not give me love, but because I was so angry and mad with things from myself that I let them fester that I lost out on love that was given to me. One person set me free without even knowing how much he has changed me. This man taught me how to forgive, let go, and love. I went from feeling like the outcast in my family to feeling like I am truly apart of my family.  I feel that I am accepted and loved for me. All the years I thought I was the ‘black sheep’ and didn’t belong I was so blinded that I couldn’t see how much I was like my mom and like my grandmother. How I am no longer bothered that I would turn out like them, but now grateful and hopeful that I can only turn out to be the women that they are; strong, independent, caring, fierce, forgiving and so many more things that these two great women have meant in my life. I hate that it took me until I was 30 years old to realize the positive in my life, the women that gave me the strength to be half the women they are and hopefully in the future be all the woman that they are.

Over times friends have been made and friends have been lost. Some long standing friends, others only short timers, but it is the ones that were the oldest of friends that I miss. Ones from the beginning, from freshman year that I wish I could repair friendships with now later in my life.  To start over, start fresh, let by gone be by gone and keep in touch, but not all fences are meant to be mended no matter how much one wants to repair the damage that has been done. I miss the girlfriends I had yet I am grateful for the time that we did have and will always treasure the moments we did create when our bonds where strong. Although times have changed and hearts have too, I will never forget the friendships that we had and the times that we shared together. I can only hope that each one feels the same and has no hard feelings. I have learned that sometimes we cannot continue to rehash old memories or moments and continue to relive  this situations, because the outcome probably would have been the same or would eventually in the end.

Each day feels like a struggle for me mentally, which most cannot understand, not by choice, unfortunately by things, which I have no control over. 90% of the time the medicine works but the 10% it doesn’t. It is hard, hard to understand, hard to grasp, hard to put on a happy face, but moments like today or over the past week makes it easier and with each passing day that 10% that it feels so hard to go on becomes a distant memory, something that doesn’t even exist. I feel more warmth and love in my heart now than I have probably ever felt in my entire life. I am certain it is strange to some, and no fault to anyone’s but my own. I harbored bad feelings and moments and lived on them that I didn’t realize the wonderful things and moments going on in front of me. But at this moment and at this time, I am thankful and grateful for the ones that I got to share great moments with, mainly the ones that I shared a sweet memory and time with. Those times will never be forgotten and because of this man that has came into my life I can now treasure the positive moments had with each person that I have encountered in my life, even if times have changed and friendships/relationships have been lost. This man has made me the better person and for that I will eternally be grateful for. Love has a new meaning and outlook for this girl that was once lost. I can now see myself turning into a woman I can be proud of and one that hopefully my daughter will be proud of as well. Merry Christmas from the woman that once felt her heart was of coal to the woman now that feels so much love finds it hard to contain these days.