It's been a long time....

On the verge of breaking, heart is heavy, and mind so full sleep does not come easy.

Burdens that I seem to always carry and hide from until they become to much that I eventually feel like I’m being swallowed by a whale. Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe. Like every breath I do take I only inhale enough oxygen just to live another day. I’d crawl in a hole and hide there if I could until this ended to save everyone around me the agony of being around my miserable ass.

Tired of the never-ending cycle. Tired of trying. Tired of feeling this way.

How does one cope? It seems this is something I never quite learnt. I hold it all in until it has festered into this huge ball of fuck that I cannot control or function with.

I wish I could make it all go away. I wish I could get someone to understand the way I feel. Why am I so sad? Why am I so mad? Why can’t this be someone else instead of me? Hasn’t my time come to be able to let this all go?

How can one feel so alone when surrounded by a child that loves you more than the world itself, a man that I believe truly loves me for me, and a loving family? Yet something feels like it is missing? Is there something wrong with me? Am I missing a part to this thing I call my brain? Is my heart so heavy or dark that I am my own worse enemy? Am I my only problem? I don’t know….

Sometimes it feels like the world is caving in on me and at this moment I’m certain that I would take it crashing on me. Landing on me, maybe it would end this overwhelming pressure I feel to be something that maybe I’m just not cut out to be.

How do you explain to love ones that you feel nothing inside? How do you explain the hollowness? How do you explain the sadness? Lastly how do I make it stop?

A million miles is what it feels like I have walked. Although I know I have accomplished a lot on my own, probably more than anyone ever thought I could, but I am tired. At 31 I feel like 61. I tried to grow up to fast, then was forced to grow up when I had no idea how to and now I’m just tired. My brain, my heart, my soul, and my body are tired. Tired of the miles I walked.