Silence

Today I drove the whole way home from work with no music on and had a talk with myself. No not out loud but in my head, because when I open my mouth is never comes out what's really going on inside my head. I thought about alot of things, mainly randomness, some about my daughter from which derived the first writing of her on here.
I thought about my constant strive to get to know someone, maybe someone I don't even really know. If I come across you on Google, Facebook, or any other network and something about you catches my eye, I strive to find out more. I want to learn all about someone or something that interest me. At times its an obsession, at other times its like a scavenger hunt for me. I don't think this makes me crazy, I mean for crying out loud people follow people on twitter just to see what someone update is for that day? (maybe I'm wrong about the twitter part, I haven't really grasped the whole concept with that one yet or joined that network just yet) But once I find something I feel the need to pick it apart, every last detail, to examine it from the inside out. I enjoy being on the other side of the monitor screen reading away about parts of your life, tweets that you made about someone you care for or analyze what made you update your facebook status, what was it really intended for? Sheer nonsense are most, however behind alot of updates are alot of emotions. Some are stabs at friends, politics, old lovers, new lovers, the list could go on. In one single setting your facebook status could intrigue me for days, even if I do not know you. I want to know what made you say what you said. What were you feeling that exact moment? I go back through my updates and think back on why I made the comment I made and normally I remember really special moments in my life that maybe I wouldn't have remembered if it hadn't had been for that one single emotion that made me update my status. It's funny how technology works. So as much as I am intrigued by others and like to follow many, I am just as intrigued by myself each day, Because me being me is nothing but a bunch of raw emotions.
Back on track here, as driving home I thought about the above but I also found myself thinking about the car in front of me and what a dumb stupid move they just made, I think one guy was changing clothes, talking on the phone, and eating all while driving and getting off the interstate. As I think to myself "great, I would get behind this guy" then I watch a man run across 6 busy lanes of traffic to get to the other side and I thought to myself "that's one hell of a joke" Like seriously what would make you run across 6 lanes of traffic, I hope he made it as I laughed out loud to myself. I thought to myself as I went to pick up Haleigh, why didn't I stop at the eyeglass place before you went and got her. Then the whole time I'm thinking so consistently with myself and rather enjoying this talk that I'm having I completely drive by the tanning bed and thought "shit I was going to tan today" Then after picking up Haleigh my silence was gone but my mind still races, she just drowns it out until she goes to bed. . .

Strawberry Blonde hair, grey hazy eyed little girl. . .

A little girl with strawberry blonde hair and grey hazy eyes writes her heart out as she sits at the kitchen table. She was tapped with a little bit of sass and a whole lot of heart. She wears her emotions on her sleeve and even though she is so young, her heart is also seen a lot of sadness. This little strawberry blonde, grey hazy eyed girl has some strands of curls that fly out of control and is a reflection of her personality. She is touchy and feely and loves to feel loved. This little girl with strawberry blonde hair and grey hazy eyes has the biggest chunk of my heart and she doesn’t even know it. She makes me smile on the inside even if she never sees it on the out. She is my day and my night, she lifts me up and she doesn’t even know it. She is tough when others are around, but at times she breaks down and cries when she can’t hold it in any longer. This little strawberry blonde hair and grey hazy eyed girl is simply a reflection of the same little girl that I once knew. I will love her forever no matter how much more she gets tapped with that sass.

Head out of the Clouds....finally

After about 4 days of being sick I am finally seeing clearly again. I felt like death for 4 days and tried to ignore it and last night it caught back up with me. However I woke up this morning feeling refreshed and rejuvenated. All the things I have been over analyzing for the past 4 days seem so ridiculous I sat back and laughed at myself this morning. I may have made some situations a little weird and yea that sucks, but the way I see it is if you are going to hold it against me for me being weird, well then Fuck you! It was a great time last week over the holidays catching up with an old friend, but things made a turn and not much has been said since then. Either way, waking up this morning, I am no longer going to worry about it, no longer am I going to over analyze it, no longer am I going to keep being the person that reaches out first. I am loving my clear head, I think next time I get sick I need to cut my phone off and not call anyone or text anyone and maybe I can avoid situations where VOMIT happens. lol. I'm getting very excited about my Party this weekend. First Tacky Christmas Sweater Party and I'm stoked to get super tacky and have fun with all my friends, some long time friends and other new friends. I'm going to be making some Jello Shots and have some really cool ideas on how to present them. Yes I am Gay , I am excited about Jello Shots, hehe. I will have to post some pictures after this weekend, I hope everyone comes all Tackyed out!

application sent

Tonight after many months of thinking it over I submitted my application to a website that is one of my favorites. HeartlessBitch.com. Who knows if they will think I'm heartless or not but fuck it I tried. Who knows, my ass my show up on the Weak of the Week, however this is something that I've wanted to do for awhile but unsure if it was right. As sitting here tonight after much blogging/writing today and discussions with friends, why the fuck not? What's the worst that can happen, they decline it. At least I can say I tried it. I am afraid maybe I did not portray as much of me as I would like, however maybe they will visit my blog and think differently. Either way I am going to bed tonight a little bit more excited that I decided to do something and take a step toward writing more and being a group that writes. I will update on here as soon as I find anything out, for any of my 4 followers who actually give a shit about what I have to say..

The Only Moment We Were Alone.

Today I was in some desperate need for new music. I care nothing about this video. I actually closed my eyes when I listened to this song and something about it soothed my soul. Thank you Allen for always providing me with some great shit!

Internal wiring...

Today, my topic of discussion has been confusion and my best friend knows me inside and out. As she states "your internal relationship wires are extremely fucked up, you have two things running against you. 1. Your mom 2. Mike" enough said. How do I fix this I ask? " they need to be re-wired and not through your ass but through your mind. the first step is to unhook all the wires and change your perspective" She couldn't be any more exact if I had paid her to by my therapist. Thank goodness her thoughts on me are "free" lol When we speak about relationships they are not all geared toward men and intimate relationships but even my relationships with friends (more or less new friends). What do you do when you know your internal wiring is fucked up?! How do you fix this? Yes I've admitted it, first step, but I've known this for years. I've sat back and been single and reflected on bad relationships with men and women, friends and lovers, and I always see the wrong, however it never seems to stop me from making the same mistakes over and over again in the present and more and likely in the future. Maybe I'm just doomed.But let me just state that every relationship failure I've had has not always been my fault. I'm only referring to the ones that have been. I wish I didn't speak every time I felt something. I once blogged about how I recently got on antidepressants because I felt that I needed them to help in a relationship I had with a man, but these antidepressants made me numb and I didn't feel every emotion that i have and i hated it so i got off of them and felt like my normal self again. But maybe its not normal to feel every emotion, as much as i love my emotions whether good or bad , i feel i need them to feel human. But I've got to learn to control my mouth, I've struggled with this since I was young and it only seems to get worse. I'm becoming my grandmother more and more everyday and although I love it and her very much, it scares me too, because she was a very lonely woman for a very long time.

"What if"

Do you ever lie in bed at night and toss and turn and wonder “what if”?
I guess we all wonder “what if”? But recently I was giving advice, hence this is so funny on so many levels. That what if shouldn’t even exist.” What if” … fill in the blank; we could all go on for days, some even years.
The truth is “What if” doesn’t matter because if “what if” mattered then you wouldn’t be where you were today. I stopped asking what if about a year ago and somehow I have found a sense of peace in my life.
“What if”…. Will never exist.
“What if”….will never matter.
“What if”… you stopped thinking about “what if”, you might be surprised at how moving forward is so much easier.
“What if” I hadn’t have done this or “what if” I had done this!? “What if” is just a load of bullshit to keep over analyzers like me and so many more out there up way too much and holding on for way too long. “What if” should be removed from everyone’s vocabulary, because if you hold on to those “What ifs” a little too long something better may just pass you by.