2 am

So here it is. 2 am in the morning, I'm sitting at a computer screen when I know that in 3 hours I will be back at work staring at 2 computer screens for at least the next 9 hours. Oh the joy, let me tell you. I can’t even explain my excitement that I am trying to contain with my lack of sleep and knowing this is the beginning of my insomnia kicking my ass this week. I’d say first off this has been one hell of a week at work, however yesterday morning when I woke up at what appears to be my internal clock of 5 am , I got out of the bed with the attitude I was going to embrace it, take more time to look presentable at work. First on the agenda is do something with the Mullet that is growing on my head at the moment. For those that don’t know, I cut all of my hair off, short, short as hell about 3 months ago. While I loved it (don’t get me wrong) I only truly loved it for about 3 weeks. But after those 3 weeks I still didn’t hate it, it was a love to hate, hate to love relationship and lets be honest, I have enough of those relationships in regards to my clothes, my body, my small boobs, house, car, and the list could go on. Oh and just for the record, the mullet is a cause of growing out short hair. I'm trying to hold on as long as I can before a haircut. So back to 5 am yesterday morning. I took the time to curl my hair only for the back to be flipped out like I had a serious case of windblown hit to the back of my hair with an extreme case of poof ball on the top. (no, really, I felt as if I had stuck my head out of the car door while driving 80 on the interstate and only the back of my hair got affected) Guess you can’t have the party in the back without something going on up top?? After getting something adjusted with the hair, I wasn’t ecstatic about it, but didn’t hate it enough to actually wash the damn shit. So I’ve still got plenty of time so I get out (what I consider to be a great ensemble, which really isn’t saying much) and go to put the last touch on, BOOTS so that I can wake up my daughter to surprise her that I’m all ready and I’ll walk the dog as she gets ready. Usually these rolls are reversed in this household. So I’ll be damned if I don’t go to zip my boot up and the damn zipper breaks again. And by again, I mean I just picked up my boots the following Friday from The Shoe Fixer that fixed my zipper already. @@ that’s me rolling my eyes uncontrollably when this zipper fucks up again. Great now I can’t wear this outfit, I need my boots dammit, this is when the spiral of pissiness begins with me. I’ll be damned if I don’t have a mullet, boots fucking suck, and my damn dog pisses and shits everywhere. Now I have to change clothes, now with something I’m highly unsatisfied with, walk the dog, only to find out when I bring the fucker in he had already pissed on the kitchen floor. FML, like it wasn’t bad enough that I had to clean up Piss and shit yesterday on the carpet because my dog feels that it is inhumane to take a piss while it is raining even out on the porch. The day before I had drug him outside on the leash and stood in the monsoon only for him to lay on the concrete and look terrified by the umbrella I was holding to try and help this fucker from getting wet so he would JUST PEE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD outside and not have a mess in. epic fail, thank you Brody for not helping your beloved owner out. OK OK so back to my 5 am, after the boot catastrophe, and cleaning up piss at 6 am from the dog. I’m finally able to get my daughter to my moms. At this point at least I will get to work early and get caught up, guess what? Wrong again, fucking tracking at 615 am on interstate 24 absolutely baffles me, who the fuck else goes to work at 6am or that many people that cause idiots to have wrecks and back up the interstate causing me to sit there and miss any fucking overtime I could have gotten. Then I forgot my tea at home, spilled my coffee at least twice on me and did a piss poor job of hosting a conference call with one of my big publishers. Big Pat on the back to me for 5 am yesterday. You suck. Oh yes, and after taking my boots back to the Shoe Fixer, the zipper of course works for him, then I put the boot on to show him what is happening and the conclusion is made that my calves are so damn thick they are causing the zipper to break. So now I will be spending another $50 to get the zippers replaced because I don’t want to have 2 different zippers on my boots and lets face it I was lucky when I found these boots last year to fit my fucking legs. So here’s to you Mullet, Fat Calves, Pissing Dogs and wardrobe malfunctions! Cheers to you! I really felt confident when I closed my eyes last night that my exhaustion from the day before would help me sleep. Not only was I mentally exhausted from work, but exhausted from dealing with the “sperm donor” This isn’t some new conclusion, but he is a complete fucking idiot who has no emotions or feelings in regards to his daughter at times. It feels that “even when he is trying” as he would say, he can somehow manage to fuck the smallest of things up leaving her sad and angry with him and leaving me with the one to console her. Let’s clear this up, I love being there for her, but I hate having to console her so often about her father. It is tiresome and it doesn’t seem that I can ever quite say the right thing. I mean how can I? I can’t tell her how mad and angry I am at him for doing this to her for the UMPTEENTH time?? Lord knows if he doesn’t get better with the new baby, My baby has a long road ahead of her. I just keep telling myself I can do this, I will be there for her and I will keep my mouth shut, and just wait until she is in bed to write my heart away and be angry with him on paper or blog ☺ So closing my eyes rather early at about 9 pm I drift off, but that is just it, a complete drift off, no real sleep. I’m half awake thinking about shit that doesn’t matter in the middle of the night and half dreaming about shit I would be thinking about if I was awake. How fucked up is that? Ugh I hate my brain at times like these, but hopefully this produces something that others fine entertaining in my vomit of stories from 2 am. So I look at the clock and I just know its about that time, has to be at least 5 am, so I can go ahead and get up and start early again today, and maybe make it to work as early as I had planned the day before. Fuck no, it’s 2 am, I try for about 45 minutes to go back to sleep, 30 minutes consisted of counting, it went something like this: 1 Mississippi 2 Mississippi, thoughts of Victoria Secret clothes, 3 Mississippi, 4 Mississippi, how will I fix the mullet this morning, 5 Mississippi, 6 Mississippi, what the fuck am I going to wear, 7 Mississippi, I make it to 30 Mississippi with thoughts between every 2 Mississippis and give the fuck up. This isn’t working, my switch to the brain has already been cut on and there is no help now that Mississippi can give me in going back to sleep. So my next strategy, lets look at meaningless crap on the internet on my phone, this sometimes makes me sleepy, wrong again. Ok Ok, grab your tablet and read, I normally fall asleep reading, but you know what my tablet is downstairs and if I have to get out of bed to get it what’s the point, I’m officially out of bed at this point. (yes a little crazy to think I am this lazy to go get my tablet from downstairs for something that might help me go back to sleep but by GOD MAN IT'S 2 AM AND I'M FUCKING TIRED) Hey, it is what it is. I never said I made sense or ever expect to. So 2:50 am I say Fuck it, I’m up, go write, haven’t done a rant like this in awhile, might as well now before I loose my humor and the fun that most of you will get out of this. At least someone can take appreciation out of my exhaustion. So I have 2 and a half hours ahead of me before I can wake my daughter and begin my day to work. Oh yay, baggy black eyes on a Wednesday at work. I can’t wait to start this day. HA maybe tonight I’ll get some sleep and won’t look like a walking zombie but I won’t hold my breath. So for anyone out there that may read this later today, thanks for reading, hope you got a few laughs, I’m off to watch infomercials on tv until it's some reasonable hour for me to get ready for work and day/morning dream of all the clothes and shoes I want and can’t have because I’m broke. Awesome! Hope you all slept better then me, until the next time. Bye Bye

Mind Fucked....

Here is the problem with me. One I’m fully aware of and have tried to contain or keep to a minimal. I find I’m extremely insecure in relationships or when dating someone. It seems that no matter how good something is or appears to be going, I can continue to mind fuck myself into finding the smallest thing and reading so much into it I sometimes ruin great things or cause myself to walk away so that I won’t get hurt even when there is probably not any hidden agendas or anything about to happen as I have tricked my mind into thinking. I have this idea in my head how I want things to be, certain things I want and how I want to be treated or maybe showered with attention. Is this realistic? No, but I can’t help but shake that someone is going to come along and be able to give me all the things I’ve always wanted. Simple gestures are what I am referring to, I’m not referring to being showered with gifts – I’m not a gold digger . I just would like for someone to let me know that they are thinking of me, simple gestures, a quick phone call, a little note, etc. Obviously I am a woman that needs to be reassured when someone I’m dating is still into me. I need confirmation and reassurance. I’ve thought about this several times over the years and have tried to determine the root cause of what makes me this way. I guess it basically all boils down to my ex-husband. Although I never really was in love with him he never showed me much attention or sweet gestures. He did buy me anything I wanted but there was a reason for this. This was his way to keep me in his eyes. He thought if he bought me the things I wanted it would keep me happy when all along all I needed was someone to show me attention with time and love. Obviously there was a reason for this, he was cheating and was not in love with me either. But it’s the only thing I can think of that has caused me to be like this. I don’t remember being this way before my daughter or he and I married. I was always very confident when dating someone and never stressed about why I didn’t hear from them for a few hours or be asked to do something with them at every single moment. Although I have overcome all of my other insecurities that were caused by this relationship I can’t beat this one. Maybe I am not supposed to; however I need to try and control it, keep it to myself without driving me absolutely crazy and doing something I will regret later. . . I’m at a point in my life where I know what I want as far as long term and a relationship and a life, home, and family. However, I am afraid that I am and will ultimately be the one standing in the way of all the things I want. That I will be the one that jeopardizes my future because I can’t let go of this insecurity. How does one get over such insecurity? How can I stop thinking and over thinking so much that I don’t ruin my chances of happiness and love in the future? Day by Day is all I can take it, but even after talking this out (typing) I still find myself worried and convinced that a current situation I am in is going to go bad and end very soon. That this person realizes now is not the time for a relationship for them and that maybe being single is what is needed for them at this time. . . Bottom line, I’m mind fucked.

Layers

I am the type of person that doesn't show all of me, the raw me until I'm comfortable enough. I have a hard time showing when I'm sad or upset because like 'Shrek' says 'i m like an onion with many layers. I don't always reveal all layers until I feel that person can be accepting of me and be there for me. I reach out very rarely and in very small baby steps, but if if on my first small step I am denied its like the first layer suddenly appears and its tough to break through again to the layers I've already exposed. When I reach out it may not be not appear so obvious but if I try twice to reach out and say I'm upset and one ignores it, its a big red flag to me. Deep down I'm emotional, passionate and at times just want someone to listen or even hold me and cry because sometimes i hold it in so much it feels good to be passionate and emotional. I can truly say I have this with my best friend , she is the only person who has ever seen all my layers and I like to think this is why we love each other so much. I see her and she sees me, and that's enough. But she isn't always around and sometimes we need our space so I reach out to someone I thought was ready to see more of me, discover another layer to me, but nothing. Now where do I go from here? How do I proceed with someone that didn't want to hear me be upset or talk it out , someone just to listen. Instead I get nothing and I'm at a loss for words.

Why is Parenting so hard?!

Why is parenting so hard?!I have been trying more than ever to focus on Haleigh, to be more rational to stop and think before acting and it seems when we are at home its better but the moment we get together with a friend there is always a disagreement' somebody said this ,somebody said that-she hurt my feelings, she is rude, and it just goes on and on until I'm completely exhausted mentally. It almost seems the more attention I pay and the more proactive I am I still cant win- I find myself questioning if my child is the root of the problem. Is her defense mechanism going to ruin friendships or relationships. I don't want her to wake up and be thirty and realize she has no childhood friends due to being so defensive her entire adolescence that will effect her later in life. I don't want her to be "like me" in this aspect. I've grown so much as a person but lost so much that could have been salvaged.

I started writing this Friday night after (what seemed to be an exhausting night with Haleigh and her Bff). I was upset that we spent an hour discussing friendships and learning how to love one another for the "good" and "bad," explaining that not one person is exactly the same. Needless to say after we left my heart was still heavy, I left feeling I had done something wrong, that I was lacking in my parenting with Haleigh. Then after a few days and the weekend to pass I finally realized, I'm just too hard on myself and at times with Haleigh. I want her to better than I was, I don't want her to face the problems I did, so sometimes maybe I just coach her a little too much and sometimes forget the comforting is the really the best solution. Come Monday, these girls are 9 and 10, they are merely being girls and this is how it is and I'm sure we have a long road ahead of us. Of course they are back to normal and Bffs again. I think it's hard to remember what I was like at 10, I'm just stepping back and breathing and trying to be a little less hard on myself. I am a good mother and I have great friends around me to remind me of this. However, Parenting is never going to be easy..

I DEFINE ME.

Today I have done a lot of thinking and re-evaluating things/people. I did it; I cut all of my fucking hair off because I can. Because I don’t have to worry about if someone will like it other than me, I don’t have to make anyone content but me.

The first time I said I was going to chop all my hair off and asked for opinions on it from my friends on FB, all responses were NEGATIVE from the majority of my guy friends. . . I was bothered by it last time and couldn’t believe some said that longer hair is better. Girls look prettier with longer hair, not even celebrities look that great with short hair, even the super duper hot ones. . . So I cut it, I took a chance, not for anyone else but for me. It was a bit liberating, I didn’t love it but I didn’t hate it and most of the guys that told me not to do it, liked it, some even loved it. Some stopped talking to me in general.

I’ll be 30 in October, at first I was excited and couldn’t wait. Dirty Thirty, age like fine wine, yadayda and all that bullshit. I was convinced my life was only getting better with age. And not to say that things about me haven’t gotten better, but I don’t know that you would say I’m living the ‘IDEAL ‘life either. But who am I or anyone say what someone’s “IDEAL” Life should be. . . I think what I wanted 3-5 years ago has completely changed within the last 6-12 months. I want things, relationships, work promotions that I’ve never desired before. Yes I sit here and wonder where did all that time go? H will be 10 in September?? I own a house, a car, and have a beautiful daughter and a great job that I think one day could be promising if I continue to work and show that I am not just average. . . But is this my “IDEAL” life?, I think it is somewhat incomplete or I find myself  feeling this way a lot more often as each month goes by and nears crawls to October.

So yet again today, not even really one month from when I just cut my off, I decided to go shorter. I posted pics on FB and again, negative comments from the majority of my guy friends. Some that commented directly and others that privately texted messaged me. This time I was going SHORT Short, no joke SHORT hair. . . Cutting my hair was even more liberating this time around. Not at first, I think I was shocked for the first couple of hours, and in time it may grow on me. But the sheer feeling of liberation was a feeling that I find hard find to explain even now. So back to re-evaluating, I have to ask myself, is my selection in guy friends really that bad. It seems to me that guys prefer longer hair for this reason and that reason and I understand that. Everyone likes something, but my hair does not define me. My hair does not make me prettier when its longer or blonder, or brunette, or natural. Chopping off all my hair will not make me the most hideous person in the world. If it does, than I have a real fucking problem. Guess this means my personality sucks, my individualism is not seen, and everything that I think and know that make me that cute, sexy, funny, loud, obnoxious person is my personality. Yes I do have a nice ass, and yes I do have pretty eyes and a perfect smile but I think those things are only a reflection of who I am on the inside. . . I stand out because I am me, I am not shy anymore, I am not quiet or submissive anymore. I am finally me for once, short hair, big ass, an extra 12 lbs, possibly some medical condition and an insomniac. This is me, even though I don’t always understand myself my personality is what defines me and my beauty and I don’t think I ever really saw that til just today. So back again, I don’t expect all or most of my guy friends to like my short hair, I expect most to hate it. But do me a favor don’t tell ME YOU LIKE ME BETTER WITH LONGER HAIR. Longer hair doesn’t give me sarcasm, longer hair doesn’t make me loud, longer hair does not have anything to do with liking me better. If it does than obviously I need to re-evaluate some friendships established over the years.

I have been asked many times how much it would cost me to shave my head; I use to say no money in the world was enough. But after today, the comments from men, the liberation felt, I’d almost do it just to piss everyone off, to say FUCK you! I’m pretty with long, short, blonde, brunette, natural, wavy, straight hair. Do I maybe appeal more to you with a certain style of hair, I get that. But do me a favor and don’t tell me you like me better with Long hair, I can guarantee you I will not be needing your ‘cliché’ modest friendship any longer.

To short hair and to saying Fuck you to who think I’m better with my hair or anything else that is simply materialistic. I promise I’m still me and always will be, hair does not define me. I DEFINE ME. 

Wonder

I often wonder where would I be?, what would I be doing?, only if I would have done something different.

Don’t we all wonder. What if that one thing you wonder comes back around, gives you a shot. Do you go for it?, or do you let it slip by again?  knowing that one day you will be thinking What would I be doing if I’d only tried that something different?

I often find myself stumbling on my own “what ifs” However my “what ifs” are things that now as I am older would not give up if given the chance.

Life is limitless. You decide to live it to the limit or to live it to the norm, the medium, or the safe. Your life is yours. Not anyone else’s so do what you want to do. Do what makes you happy in life even if it makes no one else happy. Piss off the world, piss off your family, but in the end don’t piss yourself off. Being pissed at yourself is worse than anything else. Most will be more forgiving and understanding but you in the end can never truly get over being pissed at yourself.

So this leads me back to, wonder where I would be? Wonder if you hadn’t have came along? Wonder if I never showed you me? Wonder if…..

Favorite Smell.....

I remembered last night how much Noxema was one of my favorites scents. It reminds me of my granny, it was all she ever used to wash her face. Using it last night reminded me of her and how I need a candle that smells like Noxema . . .
Random tid bit.