dirty little secrets...

Dirty little secrets,
please tell me yours. . .
we all have them and we all want more. . .
Dirty little secrets,
please come out to play....
the ones that we desire and the ones that we cherish...
Dirty little secrets,
please stop playing with me.

The worst hangover was my hunger for you....

Do you want to know what the worst hangover I've ever had? It's you. The hunger that grows for your companionship that ultimately leaves me hungover.  It's very similar to my other hangovers except yours seems to dwell into the next day and the day after, sometime lingering for a week, and just when the hangover starts to fade away there you are again. Tempting, and teasing me, only giving me a little piece of you, never the whole. It only gets worse and the hangovers only last longer. I get a little bit of you with a whole lot of guilt, remorse, loneliness, and sadness.
When will it stop? When will I be the stronger person? Why am I weak with you? Why are you my drug? Why do the hangovers hurt so damn bad? Why ? Maybe its just because I'm not enough, at least not enough for you. Everyone says I will be for someone one day, yet the days seem longer and the years seem shorter. And the little of you I have I only leaves me wanting more.
I'm not moving too fast. It's always been there, it was always you, but it just wasn't the right time, but neither is now it seems.
I need this hangover to end. It's the mixture of hunger and hangover. Hunger for something that I've wanted for so long, having just a slight taste, to leave a sweet but bitter taste. And the hangover that reminds me that all I had was a bit, a taste, just enough to leave me hurting until the next time. Hangover

A long overdo Rachel's rant...

So here is a little rant of mine. . .
Over the weekend I saw several of my friends make posts on FB about a new bar opened in The Avenue, Bar Louie's and was a little astonished at the way ass adults were behaving. However, I have taken into consideration I'm not at all a huge sports fan, but I do love hockey and support my Nashville Predators, however I am not going to go to a great new place with probably the best service I've had in awhile because the manager wore a Red Wings jersey to the bar on Friday night when the Predators played.
Several people posted that it was the dumbest move a manager could do trying to open a new establishment in this area. How dare him? They will never get any of their money now and they will be sure to tell all of their friends that now state they will not give this new place a try. Here is where I said " this is fucking absurd and the stupidest shit I've ever heard. " I didn't see these posts until after I went there on Sunday for a lunch and cocktail. Everyone there was friendly, the bartenders shook each persons hand that sat down, asked their names then passed the names on to everyone else working behind the bar so they could ask them by name if they needed anything else in case your original bartender was hung up while you needed anything. When we left the bar, the manager got up from his table meeting with employees shook our hands once again, 'called us by our names' and told us thank you for stopping by and hopes we come back" Come on people, I mean what bar or restaurant have you been to in Murfreesboro that does that.Isn't everyone always talking about service, the importance of it, someplace to call home like Cheer's? Well what if this is the place you idiots and yes some of these idiots are my friends, but just like them I'm entitled to my opinion. What if the manager of this new bar is from Detroit, that's his home town, the team he grew up being loyal too? Do you really expect him to stop being loyal to his team? Would you if you had to move out of state that had a new team you didn't grow up investing time and dedication too change your team just because of where you live? I think not, at least not Predators' fans or even Titans for that fact (no matter how bad they get each season)
So my rant is "Is dedication to a team going to affect everything in your life, from where you eat, to where you shop, to where you socialize? Come on people get over it! Everyone should be able to root for whatever team they want, and just because it's not "OUR" team does not give us the right to boycott somewhere that I think may have some of the best service in town. So suck on that. . .

4:15

Something so exciting yet something on dangerous territory.
Not only is it against everything I believe, I have found myself in this place where I can't stop. And I don't want to stop. I don't want to be this person, I'm not bad, I just have found something in the one place I never would have thought and now it consumes me. Ex6ited to wake up, excited to feel that feeling that I was not sure even existed inside of me. So here I am at 4:15 wide awake, can't sleep because I'm too damn excited and anxious. It probably had something to do with the dream and that you were in it. It's like you are always there but at a distance, never close enough to grab and take hold of... not mine for the taking yet wanting you so bad.
This madness has to stop, I'm like a little girl, sweaty palms, tingly stomach, nervous to make the wrong move. What has happened to me? Where is this strong woman I've been writing about for so damn long? You make me weak, which may be my strongest strength.Finally knowing that there is a part of me that does exist and maybe I'm not destined to be alone for the rest of eternity. Even if this excitement has to end, at leas t I know now that I am capable of feeling and wanting someone. I didn't ask for this and never meant for it to happen, but as cliche as it is. Things happen when you least expect them and at times that may not always be the easiest to understand.

Defeated....

Why is it that every time a good thing comes along it never seems to be at a right time?

How does one honestly know when a good time is? How does one stop and make the decision if this is a sign or a slight infatuation?

What make any good thing come at a bad time? If it’s a good thing why is it a bad time? How does one differentiate?

It feels like not many good things happen in my life but when something good does come along it never seems to work out for me. Whether its life in general or love…..

Why does it have to be so hard? I know nothing of importance is easy but damn, why now? Because I’m finally happy with me? I finally know who I am . . . why why now? Is all I have to ask. . .

Desperately seeking an answer to something I’m sure will not favor me in the end but I need to know. Am I crazy? Is this stupid? Or is this real?

It feels real, unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. It somehow is the best and the worse feeling at the same and I’m lost. . .

I feel like I’m wandering around and don’t know where to go. Actually I know where I want to go but can’t. Certain factors don’t allow me to go where my heart desires. . . I’m honestly not sure how much longer I can hold on…

An independent woman that’s heart is in all the right and wrong places at the same time…

Defeated….

from the CooKoo lady :)

a few months back I hit an emotionally a low period in my life. i struggled with sleep, i struggled with work, i struggled with food, i struggled with all relationships. i had lost my drive, i had finally hit the bottom of something that was probably a long time coming. all i wanted to do was lay in my bed and sleep or watch tv. i not only neglected myself but noticed i had began to neglect my daughter and work.

 i'm not sure the the exact day i hit rock bottom but i remember calling my best friend and just cried - hysterically before I called her. I had no idea why i was crying, i felt alone, i felt lost, and i felt abandoned (but i don't know by who) Lost cause is what i felt like. i even remember reaching out to my sister that same weekend which is something i don't do, but we went had lunch and it felt good to talk to her about how i was feeling, my views on life, my views on depression and medicine, and my views on faith and religion. i'm very thankful my sister and best friend were there for me that day.

 after that weekend i decided that i couldn't fix myself. i have tried for years to make it better, to not need medicine, telling myself that i didn't need meds to make me feel normal. i struggled for years about anti-depressants, and i think mainly because i was put on them at such a young age due to various things that had happened in my life that caused me to need them, but once i hit a certain age i stopped taking them and assumed i was cured. depression runs in my family and even  though for years i said it was all in their head today i seem to see things a little bit more clearer. my grandmother is bi-polar, my mother and sister both suffer from depression and for years i would say everyone that w as on anti-depressants had issues that they should have worked out in their head, they caused their illness, they caused this ridiculousness. my mother hated to hear my talk about it and it saddened her because she knew that slowly it was eating away at me.

 i've had a lot of curve balls thrown at my over the years that most would never know about but my mother saw it and i was blinded by my own stubbornness. After my weekend meltdown and a few nights of severe anxiety attacks i went to the dr. There was one night i had such a severe anxiety attack i thought i was having a heart attack. it scared the shit out of me, enough to get my ass to the dr. After questioning and testing i rated a little over the normal expectancy for depression, at this point  i wasn't shocked. more less scared, scared to accept i had this and that the only way for me to overcome it was to take medicine i had for so many years put down and ridiculed people about. i had just became a statistic, a percentage. After my first month i saw changes, it was shocking to me that after just 4 weeks on a low dosage i became to feel like the rachel i lost a really long time ago and maybe one i never knew that existed. almost 8 weeks in now on a little higher dosage i still feel better, my sleeping is still not the best but insomnia is another thing that happens to be an issue with me.

so why do i write this? why do i tell whoever it is that reads my blog? why not? talking about it, writing about it, releases some stress for me.this is who i am. i want no pity or expect to be given any. i honestly would rather not talk about it, only write about it, lol.  i am not ashamed as before, this was yet another small chapter in this 'so called life of rachel'. i'm more proud today of who i am, what i've accomplished and what my future holds than i ever have been and if that is due to anti-depressants than i proudly say thank you and raise my glass (cheers)  and hope that if anyone ever felt the way i felt and somehow came across my blog that maybe it could make a decision a little easier hearing from the person that had the same doubts would be awesome. ive always been a huge walking contradiction but for the first time i changed something about me and it was probably the smartest thing i could have done for me and for my daughter.

29+ please apply .....

So it's no big secret anymore that I am on dating sites. As I once was ashamed of this let's be honest, how the hell am I suppose to meet a man? The bar? ha yeah right, been there, done that, didn't really turn out the way I thought it would. . . Most of my friends "lets restate" all of my friends are married or seeing someone and all their friends are hitched up too!!!! How is this FAIR??? lol I don't know that I am seeking a serious relationship as I still struggle with the fact that maybe I'm not the type of woman that will ever be in a real relationship, however I am looking to date someone. I don't want to date numerous men, I'd like to find just one person that makes me laugh and I have fun around, whether it be sitting on the couch doing absolutely nothing or going out. I'm not at all high maintenance. Here is my dilemma! I only attract young guys, I mean come the fuck on! If you are 23 or 24 do you seriously think a WOMAN yes I said it WOMAN would want to be with a boy. Being of age to drink does not make you a man. Granted I will say there are some young guys out there that do have their shit together, but really guys? Almost 30 with an almost 10 year old daughter. Do you really want to go there? I'm trying not to be judgemental but I mean for crying out loud are there no men my age that are decent that would like to date me? Why does every 20-25 year old seem so interested in a WOMAN with a kid that does not party on the weekends? I'm not going to be your Sugar Momma and I'm not going to be an easy piece of ASS. It seems that the younger guys seem more opt to date a woman that has a child than a guy my own age, Why is this? Is it that the younger generation is use to young girls being knocked up and having kids early?? I just can't seem to wrap my head around it. So here is me screaming! YOUNGINGS leave me the FUCK alone! It would be different if I looked their age but honestly I look my age, I look about 30 and I definitely do not act like 20s. I'm in bed by 9 every night. Exciting huh?!