Endless

Endless moments of thoughts on nothingness,
A brain that never stops, nor halts at any red signs
A heart that is spurting along on nothing more than little fumes
A soul that is lost with no direction to turn
Endless nights of thoughts on nothingness
A mind that is too tired to even realize its own sanity, yet too constant to ever stop.
A million words and thousands of different scenarios fills this nonstop brain which in the end troubles the heart that is almost on empty.
Indiscretions and Promiscuity only help the lost soul loose hindsight of any direction that may have ever been in the distance.
Too many ‘what ifs’ and ‘what the hell were you thinking’ keeps the tired mind struggling to ever find peace.
Endless moments on endless nights with never ending thoughts and a desperately seeking heart that needs to be revived.

Where is the WOW?

Where is the WOW?
It seems that I can’t find that WOW factor, you know the one where you are just knocked off your feet, where your breathe is taken away for a brief moment in time, when all you can think about is that one thing or person that made you WOW.
Where is my WOW?
Is it possible for a person to over abuse the WOW factor and this is what’s happened to me? Was I too careless and had too many WOWS?
I have to admit that one point in my life it seemed like everyday I was getting WOW’d.
WOW’d at the bars, WOW’d at the stores, and of course way too many WOW’s for a lot of really UN-WOW Worthy men.
Is there a WOW God and he has decided to revoke my privileges? I’m beginning to think so, maybe it’s a conspiracy and I’m the main target. I haven’t been WOW’d in years, not by anything, of course I’ve had a few minor WOW’S shopping but nothing that has knocked me on my ass, really blown me away, weak in the knees mumbo jumbo shit.
Where is the WOW?
WOW God please bring it back in my life, I’m feeling like I’m running in circles and making careless mistakes all because I can’t find a WOW.
S.O.S WOW GOD! Rachel needs her WOW factor back. . . .

I know...

I don’t know what I would say, or what I would do if I finally ever really met you.
I have you all figured out and know you as well as I know myself.
I know we will only fight when absolutely necessary and you will always give me what I want.
I know you will always open the car door and any door for me no matter where.
I know you will help me with the dishes and even cook sometimes because I’m not that great.
I know you will help me with the house work and always mow the yard.
I know that we will be able to sit on the front porch and not say a word yet feel something magical just by being together.
I know that you will make my heart flutter; I know you will be at least 6 feet tall.
I know you will have some meat on your bones, preferably muscle and I also know that you will never lay a finger on me.
I know that you will help me with my struggles and love me for my independence.
I know that you will be aggravated by my receptiveness but I also know this is why you will love me even more.
I know that you will love me as crazy as I may be and I know that you will love my daughter as much as you love me if not more.
I know that one day I will find you and I can just be me.
I know that you will tolerate my filthy mouth and bitchy attitude.
I know that you will not judge me because I am lost in my faith and where it will or is suppose to go.
I know that you will always stay on your side of the bed except when I say its ok to snuggle.
I know that you will know how to make me feel comfortable in my skin and make me laugh everyday.
I know that you will support me and my decisions 100%.
I know that whoever you are, where ever you are, one day I’ll find you even if I’m 90.
I know that loneliness does not consume me but not searching seems to scare me.
I know when you are not searching you find what you want, but yet I feel how will you ever find what I truly want if I don’t search at least a tiny bit.
I know not searching is killing me

Running

She is always on the run. Running from something yet not knowing what that something is. Struggling to stay on the surface yet wanting to sink to the bottom where no one can find her. Drowning her misery in booze and pills. Raging with anger, tormented by her own soul. She feels so alone in this world surrounded by so many people, but who are these people, people she knows, or strangers who just come across her path. She wanders down the winding road only hoping that someone will pass her by, not knowing what she is looking for yet still hanging on to hope that something is coming. She lies to herself, to her daughter, and mainly to her friends. She does not know what happiness means, she is bitter toward the world and bitter toward herself for the choices she made and the choices she now lives with. Scars from within, scars on the surface, scars that lie deeper than any should ever experience. Sleepless nights are driving her crazy. So tired, but can’t sleep no matter how hard she tries. She says she is not looking; yet she searches everywhere she can. Empty handed is where she is. Tired and angry. Bitter and cold, acting out in destruction hoping for some sort of light. She drinks it away and everyone loves her but at the end of the night she doesn’t even know this person they all love. Pills give her the energy, the little boost to make her get up; the drinking drowns all the things she doesn’t want to think about. She will always be on the run, nothing can stop her, yet always running against the wind.

Fucking Mockingbird

In love with an idea of something that can never be
Little mockingbird swinging in the tree
That little mockingbird never did sing and I never did get that diamond ring.
That looking glass broke the minute I touched it, what the fuck I’m I going to do with a Billy goat?
Rover was a dog that derived from a cart and bull that would not pull, Rover couldn’t bark because his voice box was shot, which got me a horse and a cart, which I constantly stumbled over for years.
Then here comes the sweetest little boy in town, who took my flower and now my sanity,
Next thing I know I’m fucking sitting here singing this GD song all because of some stupid ass mockingbird.

Struggling.

When will I ever get it? You know, that motherly instinct? Fuck I'm almost 30 and still don't have it. I'm screwed and I feel awful for my daughter. Is my daughter my world? Yes of course she is, I don't know who I would be without her. Although this doesn't mean that I'm not constantly wondering who I would have been without her, where I would be, and if I would be completely happy with no life without her. Am I completely happy today with her in my world? I can't say that I am. I love her to death, O how I love her, but it's just not for me. Does this make me a bad person to feel this way? I'm afraid I resent her, when it was my choice to keep her, so shouldn't I be resenting myself and not this child that had no say in the situation. I struggle so often with finding a way to be a mom, a good mom, a caring mom, and I do good for awhile but then I always seem to get lost again. I am not a woman that wants to be tied down, I want to do what I want to do when I want to, and this urge only gets worse with my age. The older I get, the more on the go I want to be. The more free I feel I need to be. But I can't and at times it makes me angry and tired and just want to lie in the bed and sleep. This is a touchy subject and one that I normally would not share but who the fuck really reads my blog anyways. No one that I am aware of. My heart is heavy, my mind is constantly going, and my daughter is only growing up more and more each day and I'm afraid if I don't get the grasp of this shit soon she is going to despise me when she gets older and resent me for having her. She has a shitty dad who is never around and a mother who never wanted to be a mom. I feel like an awful person most days, and no one around me would know. If I could run away I would but I can't and I wouldn't. She deserves so much more. So here I'll stay struggling to be something I should have never been, hoping and praying that one day she will forgive me for being such an unaffectionate mother and love me just for me.

Dear God?

I have to say that I see alot of reaching out to God by people only when times seem to be rough. Am I to say that I have not done this in the past? No, I am just as guilty as anyone, however as I struggle with my faith, religion, and everything else going on in this world I do notice more people reaching for God when they need something. Am I a church going person? No I am not, do I feel bad about this? No I do not, however from what I do understand from "avid church goers" is that you don't ask for guidance only when things are bad, or when you are at the end of your rope. You are to constantly ask for guidance, pray to him, ask for forgiveness, not just when its convenient to you. I saw this on a few people's facebook statuses today, and no one i'm close to, just a few acquaintances and it irritated me. So here I am doing what I do best, placing it onto paper, telling the world that if you are going to have a faith and say you believe in God stop making your FB statuses about God when it's bad, make them about God everyday if this is truly what you believe in. Just saying.