Love all.....

 

Currently I am not one that listens to the News or have much of an opinion on what’s going on in the world. I try to concentrate on what is going on in my world and my life that I can control to some degree. However, currently in the news, the Supreme Court battle with the Gay Right Marriage has caused a lot of debate and News Feed on my Facebook. I can honestly say that my stand point is pretty simple. Love is love, love is not easy, love is not blind, love is something to cherish. Love is not always something so easy to come by. With that said, whether you decide to love someone intimately of the same sex means no difference to me. I also feel that it would be wrong of me to hate or discriminate against someone who is in a same sex relationship. Who am I to judge, who are you to judge? Honestly at the end of the day, it is really no one’s damn business. With this being said I find myself as a parent allowing my daughter to create her own thoughts and feelings against homosexuality and heterosexuality. I have explained to her that just because one person loves or cares for another person that is of the same sex we should not judge them, shun them out, or even make a big deal of it. It is what it is. You love who you love, and no one should be judged or even singled out for that. Although my daughter has clearly stated she likes the opposite sex, I have also explained to her that even if she didn’t I would love her no less. As long as one is happy, treated with respect, and love is encountered, I will not love her or anyone else that I know any less because they love for the same sex.

I saw a great post on Facebook that I thought was perfect. Hit it right on the head, “ To everyone who opposed Gay Marriage or believes that your bible gives you the moral authority to dictate the rights of others, your children will look back at you like we look at those who told blacks and women that they didn’t have the same rights as white men.” PERIOD, enough said and so true. I think about the equality of this country and our rights as people of this great nation, why are we still fighting such small insignificant things? When there is starving children in our country, wars with other countries going on around us, is “same sex marriage” really that high on the pole? Again, is it really any of our business? Just as women and blacks faced obstacles in their lives for years and decades, why should this go on and on for Same Sex Relationships. It is small, bottom line, we should all be equal, neither age, sex, nor ethnicity should hold part in that. I am not saying that if you are completely against gay marriage then you are wrong, everyone is entitled to their opinion, but just as the quote states above, we have moved mountains in the racial department (not to say that all race issues have been resolved) but we are not segregated anymore. Women are now in higher positions than they ever would have thought decades ago. Why draw this out more than it should? You don’t have to agree with it, you don’t even have to like it. This is a Free Country and you are entitled to feel and express yourself as you feel freely, but also remember that “Ignorance is Bliss.” Love should be something we value and enthrall upon people not cause controversy. Love is supposed to be a happy time, not a downfall because of who you love or why

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Over the past few days I’m sure I will see more opinions of Close Friends and Family and find myself struggling with their comments when I feel that I am so unbiased in this situation. I have to say that the toughest comments to swallow are by loved ones, ones that raised you. I find myself questioning how one can call themselves “Christian” or “nonjudgmental” when their post can be viewed or read as judging and coming off with only a one track mind of thinking one way and one way only. Are Christians’ not supposed to love everyone, not judge others, and accept everyone for who they are? I hope that if situations were ever to change and my daughter was to fall in love with someone of the same sex, how would my close friends and family react? Would they change their minds? Would they become more open to “accept” and “love” her just because she is family or close friends? This is where my struggles lie with this. I want to teach my daughter that no one should be left behind, love who you want and most of all Love with all your heart. Like I said before, love is a gift, love is a passion, and love shouldn’t be judged because not everyone is so blessed to have love or ever encounter what true love is. We should not judge someone by whom they love and how they love them. Love should be accepted in all FORMS.

Just my opinions, that are meant to not offend or hurt anyone that reads them. 

My Insomnia and Night Terror findings....

So after lots of research of Insomnia I have narrowed mine down to Primary Insomnia. For years I have tried to act as if my sleeping issues were just stress but after researching and studying the cause and effects of Insomnia I am more certain than ever I suffer from this and the research that I found is not reassuring that it can be cured and is something I will deal with for maybe the rest of my life.

Primary insomnia isn't a symptom or side effect of another medical condition. It is its own distinct disorder, and its cause isn’t well understood. Primary insomnia usually lasts for at least 1 month. Many life changes can trigger primary insomnia. It may be due to major or long-lasting stress or emotional upset. Even if these issues are resolved, the insomnia may not go away. Trouble sleeping can persist because of habits formed to deal with the lack of sleep. These habits might include taking naps, worrying about sleep, and going to bed early.

http://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/health/health-topics/topics/inso/causes.html

Some Basic signs and symptoms of Insomnia, most are a gimme but one stood out to me that I never would have imagined that I have always seemed to deal with.

The main symptom of insomnia is trouble falling or staying asleep, which leads to lack of sleep. If you have insomnia, you may: • Lie awake for a long time before you fall asleep • Sleep for only short periods • Be awake for much of the night • Feel as if you haven't slept at all • Wake up too early The lack of sleep can cause other symptoms. You may wake up feeling tired or not well-rested, and you may feel tired during the day. You also may have trouble focusing on tasks. Insomnia can cause you to feel anxious, depressed, or irritable. Insomnia also can affect your daily activities and cause serious problems. For example, you may feel drowsy while driving. Driver sleepiness (not related to alcohol) is responsible for almost 20 percent of all serious car crash injuries. Research also shows that insomnia raises older women’s risk of falling.

http://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/health/health-topics/topics/inso/signs.html

Feeling drowsy while driving is one that I have had for at least the past 3 years. There is many times where I have felt like I could easily close my eyes while driving to work in the morning or home in the evening and fall asleep. At times I have to roll the car windows down when it is cold outside or crank up the AC in the summer to keep myself from falling asleep while driving. Another interesting find that I stumbled across was the habits of a person who struggles or struggled with sleeping at one time finds themselves continuing to worry about going to sleep causing themselves to deprive them of sleep due to worrying about lack of sleep. I have been doing this a lot lately. More than ever honestly, I find myself worried each night whether I am going to go to sleep or not, how long will I actually get to sleep, and or how many times will I get up if I do go to sleep.

However, in some people, the bad habits are reinforced, the person "learns" to worry about his or her sleep, and sleeplessness continues for years after the stress has subsided. Therefore, it is also called learned insomnia or behavioral insomnia.

http://www.emedicinehealth.com/primary_insomnia/page2_em.html

More interesting finds of Primary Insomnia that never would have occurred to me but seems to be truth to most all of the below:

Primary Insomnia Symptoms Psychophysiological insomnia: • Sleep disturbance varies from mild to severe. (yep this is me) • Sleeplessness may manifest as difficulty falling asleep or as frequent awakenings in the night. (Me too) • Persons with insomnia often find that they can sleep well anywhere else but in their own bedroom. (oddly enough me too, did not know this until recently) • Persons with this type of insomnia tend to be more tense and dissatisfied compared to good sleepers. Emotionally, they are typically repressors (suppress their feelings), denying problems.

http://www.emedicinehealth.com/primary_insomnia/page3_em.html

On top of the Primary Insomnia I have been struggling with the past week or two I have recently been having awful night terrors. Night terrors that is unexplainable and terrifying, just as the name Night Terrors. I have found myself in the terrors feeling as if I was awake but awful things happening in my house or around me, yet finding myself not able to wake up, feeling as if I can’t move and even at times feel my heart racing and even experienced an anxiety attack this week. This is another reason I found it important for me to find out more about my sleeping problems and more importantly these terrors that have paralyzed me and scared me into no sleep when sleep is what I need.

Sleep paralysis is a natural protection mechanism that prevents you from acting out your dreams. It affects most of your body, with the exception of your eyes (allowing them to demonstrate Rapid Eye Movement), chest (so your lungs can breathe freely) and sometimes minor extremities like toes, fingertips and lips. Sleep paralysis switches on and off around the sleep-wake border. As a result, sometimes people become aware of the paralysis and are shocked to find they can't move. This can be scary, inducing nightmarish hallucinations (but not always), and when it happens frequently it is classed as a sleep disorder. The experience can last anywhere from a few seconds to several minutes. It doesn't always invoke visions of evil entities, but this is a common feature when you're afraid. The experience of sleep paralysis occurs when your mind (in part) wakes up, but your body remains asleep. Physically asleep, you remain paralyzed. But mentally conscious, you may start to panic and the half-dreaming mind conjures up nightmarish images to "explain" what is happening, often based on cultural beliefs. Sleep paralysis is common: half of the world's population may experience this condition at least once in their lives. The condition is more likely to arise if you are under stress and/or have disturbed sleep cycles due to shift work, narcolepsy, sleep deprivation, jet lag, and other sleep disorders.

http://www.world-of-lucid-dreaming.com/sleep-paralysis.html

Ah ha, last statement, disturbed sleep cycles, this would explain it. But I guess the reason I was prone into looking into this is that I suffer off and on with Insomnia, sometimes going months without any problems sleeping or going months with continued sleep problems, sometimes weeks with only about 5 hours of sleep. However, I have never encountered Night Terrors like I have until this week. This is scary beyond recognition. I found it hard to move, get up, and calm myself down just to relax in my own home. This is a scary thing for anyone. To feel paralyzed and frightened in your own home, to feel as if you are a prisoner to your body and cannot escape.

If sleep paralysis is just a dream, then why does it feel so real? Some of the effects ARE real. This state is a very clever merger of waking consciousness with the dream world. It's a bizarre mind trick. For instance, footsteps thumping towards the bed are often a distortion of the sound of your own heartbeat, pounding in your chest due to all the adrenaline. Hearing your assailant breathing unnaturally is common too - thought to be the sound of your own gasps for breath in this panicked state. The feeling of your body being paralyzed is real, too. Releasing yourself from the grip of the paralysis is one way to end this terrifying situation (see below). However, the perceived difficulty to breathe properly is what causes many people to imagine an entity trying to harm them (by stopping them breathing or crushing their chest). It's important to remember here that the effect is psychosomatic.

http://www.world-of-lucid-dreaming.com/sleep-paralysis.html

I’m hoping that after finding and researching more about what has been going on with my sleep patterns and disturbance in dreams I can try to reassure myself that I have to control my behavioral patterns in order to sleep and not to create a ‘LEARNED’ behavioral pattern once my period of insomnia has worn off by causing it to go into further time periods and possibly giving me extreme night terrors.

Just a mother's rant....

Everyone is entitled to an opinion and in most cases I’m not one to share mine but usually only on my blog because not many view it or read it. I am definitely not one to post my opinions or disappoints on my FB statuses or about celebrities and what they get caught doing or stupid shit they have done. I could honestly care less about a celebrity and what they are doing. I have enough to worry about in my own every day NORMAL life to concern my thoughts or opinions upon celebrities. However, scanning around on ABC World News website this morning I ran across the Entertainment section and was disappointed to see 2 of my daughter’s favorite Disney Characters starring in a new movie, definitely not a DISNEY produced movie. I get it, these girls are grown now, and Disney is over for them, they are 18. Why should they not explore the grown up acting abilities in Hollywood? Start staring in movies not just fan geared by the little girls of Disney. But this one disturbs me and I guess mainly for the fact that I have always liked these 2 girls roles and music and felt that they were wholesome or at least they hung on to the ‘wholesome’ a little bit longer than Miley and other Disney starts have. I guess for some reason I felt this one (Selena Gomez) was going to be different and keep her ‘wholesome’ appeal. That she was a genuine girl and wouldn’t get caught up into Roles that would not be a very good example for her fan base. Yes, I do get it. She is trying to expand her Fan Base, but why this role. Seems like there would have to be more opportunities for a girl with her talent. However, this role in this movie seems like a Brittney Spears experience or Miley Gone Wild Movie and the worst part was hearing her speak about the movie, all 4 of these young girls as if they had just been in one of the going to be ‘greatest of all time’ controversial movies ever. I mean seriously watch the trailer first. Then listen to the clip at the end. It breaks my heart for my daughter that any Star Child will ruin any image they have for a buck, or for a new fan base, or maybe just publicity. Where are the good Role Models for daughters these days or for any child? Why does every one child actor have to eventually ruin their image with SEX, Drugs, explicating their bodies? I guess I know the reason, I was young once and I was stupid and not famous, I’m sure the pressure is much more when in the limelight all the time. At a certain age you want people to view you as an adult or a maturing adolescent but it always goes by faster than one could ever image. It’s like in the blink of an eye, one moment that can define you for the rest of your life. Maybe not in all circumstances but in most I think kids that try to grow up to fast, wind up growing up faster than they ever wanted and realize how if they could turn that clock back they would. I know, I was one of these kids. However, back to Selena and Vanessa, I hate to think that the girls that I use to not mind buying stuff from; music, movies, TV shows, will now be showing their bodies off in tiny bikinis, become ski mask wearing gangs. Yes I know it’s a movie but Monkey See Monkey Do and this is truer for Girls than boys. Little girls see their idols like this growing up and acting different parts and who’s to say that perhaps that little girl won’t want to be just like them because they have always wanted to dress like them, sing like them, be them when playing with friends. Hopefully, my H won’t fall into this category but she is a 10 year old girl and even though the values I have taught her and the way she should want to be perceived does not mean she will always follow this. Mainly I just wanted to get off my chest how for once I was disappointed in a child celebrity, others had been expected and I’m not sure why I thought different of these. Just a concerned mother who wants only the best for her daughter just laying some lines out there of my opinions and thoughts on this particular movie. Movie Clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=EvlGXNOtd2E Girls talking about the movie: http://www.mtv.com/videos/movies/872078/spring-breakers-stars-stripped-down-for-their-roles.jhtml My stomach was literally in knots hearing these girls talk about these roles as if they are life changing. For the love of GOD where have all the Good Girls gone that don’t have to play stupid mindless idiots with no clothes on in a movie???

W O R D S

Christmas 2012

As I lay in my bed Christmas eve morning it is still dark in my room due to the rain outside and H is still sleeping and the dog is cuddled up next to me, not quite ready to wake up himself just yet. I start to send my Merry Christmas love to some very important people in my life. One family in particular that has given me a best friend since high school and now her sister who has became my sole companion, the one I can't go without talking to. Although I miss my first best friend, Linz, we have drifted apart because of time, life, and distance. Although in my heart she will always be forever my best friend, somehow I was blessed enough to find a best friend in her sister, who lives across the street and is here.so when I think about it, this family was placed in my life 15 years ago for a reason, I just never would have thought that 15 years later this family touches my heart and life in ways that are indescribable. Not only did this family give me two wonderful women that I get to call my best friends but they always opened their home for me on holidays after my H would leave to be with her family. For the few years I did spend alone after H left I was sad, miserable, and normally drunk. Every Christmas or thanksgiving for at least the past 3 years if not 5 have opened their arms to letting me be apart of their Christmas night dinner and even thanksgiving meals. I'm not sure if any realize what they gave me when they did this or how much it touche me. I am not even sure I quite realized how much it meant to me until this morning. When I awoke it dawned on me I would not see this family this Christmas and my heart sunk and tears began to flow ( although let me be clear, they were not tears of sadness , but tears of happy thoughts/) I wrote on each ones wall to say Merry Christmas and thank you and to say how much I would miss them. This year they are all in TX where they belong together and I couldn't be happier that they all get to spend Christmas in TX together. I know how much this means to this family.I realized after I had written each one of them that my tears and feelings were way more than I had anticipated. Not only are they in Tx but this year Christmas is different for H and I. Now I have been blessed to have the most wonderful man come into my life and for the first time in 7 years H and I are going to spend Christmas with a family that is not ours. We were invited to spend Christmas eve with his family, and even though I'm a bit overwhelmed with this years change of events I realize that my life is taking a different turn and a new chapter is beginning, not only for me but for H as well. So to end this, this Christmas has been one I'll never forget, for the first time I am more in the Christmas spirit than I have been in what seems like ages, my TX family is in TX this year, and I start a new chapter in my life with this man I'm so madly in love with. Feeling more emotions than I could ever write down but thankful and blessed is what comes to mind. Merry Christmas 2012.

Picky Eater......

I must say I find it frustrating feeding H. If its not plain and simple or one ingredient that she can see that she is not familiar with, might as well throw out out the window ..... I growing up and am sure many my age would agree, you ate what was put in front of you or you left the table hungry. However I feel that I am solely responsible for H's eating habits. When I divorced it seemed easier to let H eat what she wanted. Plus it didn't seem like cooking for 2 was ever really an option because most things she ate I didn't and vise versa and it wasn't worth the fight or struggle to put my foot down on eating or going without. And now it bites me in the butt. So this morning I woke up thinking I'll get up and cook her breakfast, she loves it so much, specifically sausage. So I cooked her some sausage and then made a sausage cream cheese casserole with crescent rolls. I just knew I couldn't go strong with this. All the things this childs loves for breakfast, sausage and rolls/biscuits. Well NO ! Couldn't be that easy, stupid cream cheese messed it up for her. She took one tiny bite and said she didn't like. Defeated again a against this child's taste buds :( so I told her she could finish her piece of sausage but then she would have to go upstairs and go without unless she decided she wanted to eat this casserole. Now as I sit downstairs I feel awful. I feel like I've sent my kid upstairs and she is starving to death ( although I know this is not the case) but its eating at me. It seems cruel and unfair, so again I'm sure I'll cave in about 10 minutes and fix her something else to eat..... Cooking and feeding a picky child is frustrating and exhausting.

Battles & Struggles

Tonight was one of those nights filled with restlessness and a constant battle of tossing and turning and trying to make the wheels inside my head stop. For the first time in what seems like a very long time I lost it on H’s dad tonight. Any that knows me or knows me well enough knows the hassle that he has given me for years, basically since the divorce. There were times in between where he was normal and seemed like he might just be turning himself around, but over and over again he shows himself to be a truly lost person and not a good hearted man at all. My H has struggled and strived for his acceptance for years, at times getting enough to hold her by, but just when she seems to have gotten a hold of enough of him to make her feel adequate enough for him to spend time with, he remarries (without telling her) then two weeks later discloses the secret that he will be having another child. Caring for this man is not something I can do. Many many moons ago when I was young, naïve, and had lost myself I hung onto him, I clung to him (as I see clinging now by fingertips). However, my attachment to him was neither love nor any sentiment that could ever be compared to holding someone close to your heart. I was lost, I had lost myself. I stayed because I was scared, because I did want to do the right things, and because I thought that H would be enough for him to change his ways. I knew I wasn’t and understood that. I know now that wasn’t even what I wanted. I wanted H to grow up with a mother and a father. One she deserved and one she could be proud of (mother and father). But things got bad and I could see that not only was I not me, my child was not herself. So I left, after several beatings to the head physically and mentally I left. It seems like it took years for me to recover, for me to find myself back to me. Not sure I had ever really knew who I was. I battled constantly over becoming strong, not showing weakness, and with being a mother and had built up so much hatred over years, some even before the EX and it consumed me, it ate at me mentally and physically at times. Some people, lets change that most people have no idea the struggles and battles I went to war with just against myself. It seems that up until just this year I finally found me. That I am comfortable with the woman I have grown into and even now it saddens me that I have not been on my A game or even B game at the truth for H and that is what hurts. Because although I knew I wanted her to have at least one parent she could be proud of, it seems that it took me almost 5 years to recover myself. 5 years of her life for her mommy to figure out where she stood in life and as her mother. This child has always deserved so much better than me but now that my eyes open I am more thankful than I could ever be that H is mine, she is my air, she is my strength, she is the one that who has made me the woman I am today. Not me, not my struggles, not my own emotional battles that I have overcome; it is H that has saved me. Where is this coming from and why does this have me restless and not able to sleep? After 5 years I went back to the Child Support office to have things automated with Child Support because every week it’s a struggle and hassle to get her father to pay a mere $100 for child support. Which is way less than the original agreement and the fact that I also keep up with the insurance. But when I think about it, I wouldn’t want him to the be the one responsible for keeping insurance on H, he isn’t reliable and who knows when another job is going to bite the dust with him. Needless to say he found out today that I had filled with the Child Support Office to get what is rightfully H’s (not mine, but hers) I don’t want to receive anything from him anymore than child support which helps take care of her. He called first to say he knew, and tried to play it off calmly that he wasn’t mad, but I know this man and I know him better than I think he knows himself. I could hear the anger in his voice. And I knew when I did this, he was going to try and bully me to back off and not go through the Courts like he has done so many times. But finally my strength is enough I will not let him bully me any longer. I am not scared of him, he cannot hurt me. His words will not scare me from doing what H needs me to do. The conversation continued and of course he started to tell me that I wouldn’t get more money, in fact I would get less than $400 a month from him which is what I might get now if he pays on time. I tried to tell him its not about the money, it’s the fact that I am done asking 5 times in 3 days when I’m getting money to put in my bank. When is it convenient for him and his new wife to give money for H. It is not a priority on his list. As awful as it sounds H has never been his priority and it hurts me even more to say that she more than likely never will be. And this is what breaks my heart for my daughter. H. had also been having some stomach issues for about a month now, or perhaps it has been going on since she found out her daddy was having another baby. However, these stomach issues only seem to arise when she is with them for the weekend. It consumes her and she doesn’t seem to understand why she only feels this way with them. Again the breaking of my heart for her cannot be described through words on a paper. Her new step mom decided to talk to her about anxiety and nervousness and even if she did not mean it H took in a way that something was medically wrong with her and that by seeing a DR and giving her medicine would be a way to treat it. Once again let me state that whether the step mom meant this or not, this is not something she should have talked to H about. It should have been her dad or me. Needless to say H and I talked about it for about 30 minutes the prior night she returned from a weekend with them, which again was filled with stomachaches and pains. H said she felt she really needed to go to the Dr. I know H better than most, she is mine, inside and out (this is no denying) I can see when she is sick or when she is troubled and last night I saw a troubled young 10 year old confused by words from a new step mom that somehow made her feel that “she” was the problem. This is how I know that I am a better woman than years ago. Years ago I would have blew up on her, but two nights ago I tried to discuss with H “maybe what she meant” and explain why H would be feeling these things. Of course when I go to talk to Mike about it the next morning in his bullshit, condescending tone he acts as if he is on my side, that his wife should not have discussed this with H. Times like these I ask myself why I even bothered bringing it to his attention, because ultimately he does not care. He wants to sound like he does, and act as if he does but his actions always show otherwise. So back to where I started, the conversation went from me getting worked up at him by the tone in his voice and the way he was trying to convince me how going through the courts was only going to hurt me. Like him giving me $100 a week is a blessing and I am messing that up by going to the Child Support Office. Again, anyone that knows this man knows this is who he is. Always trying to push anyone or me around for that matter. However, I’m done. I was telling him that I had took H to the DR and said her exam was great, she looks great, no blockages he can feel and her stomach sounds like a normal 10 year old girl’s stomach with normal bowels. At this point I had lost it (yes this I am ashamed to say) he got to me, and I was yelling at this time that H was fine, that the problem was with Him and his new wife, and how they needed to help H feel more comfortable and more at ease and then he lost it. Like always calling me the “stupid bitch” and telling me that I am the reason H is scared to do anything or be herself. That I am the one that has made her so self-conscious she is constantly trying to appease someone. That was it. My breaking point had been breaking, I yelled, I cursed, I screamed at how much I hated him and how I hope to God that he is a better dad to this new baby than what he has been to H because he has been nothing but a disappointment to that child and she still holds hope that one day he will be the Dad she wants and needs. I hang up the phone. I run upstairs to immediately address the situation with H (thankfully she had been in the shower and only caught the end of it which was me telling him to go to hell). For this I feel awful, I am the rock, I am her foundation and I lost it and even though I may not like him, she loves him, whole heartedly with his good and all of his bad because that’s what a daughter does. H and I discussed a lot last night and I told her some things that maybe I should not have, but I feel that she is getting older that some things she needs to know. I have allowed him to put me down for years in front of her, trying to prove that I am the bigger person by never saying a word or the truth about the things he does or lies about when it comes to her. H is my world and I feel that every day, every year we grow together and I hope in time she comes to me with everything (I feel she already is starting to feel a bond between us and feels she can talk to me about most things) but no daughter is going to always tell her mother the truth. This I know. I felt H and I ended things on a good note; I apologized from the bottom of my heart to H and told her I would even apologize to her dad for the name calling and yelling at him to prove to her I am the bigger person but I just lost it. I am human, it does not make it right and I honestly do feel remorse about it, because this is not who I am anymore, I do not scream and yell and feel hatred for people, but he won last night. He finally wore me down enough where I snapped, so yes he won. But he will not win this battle of child support, I am not backing down and I will not allow him to bully me any longer. I know where I stand as a mother and I know where I stand with my daughter, I don’t need his approval nor want to ever hear his thoughts on it. She is with me 6 days a week, day and night except on his weekends, he has no idea our schedule, our routine, the way we live our lives. I did admit to H last night that when she gets older I hope she does not want to be with a man like her father. It’s so true; I think my heart would forever break if she ever wound up where I did all those years ago with a man like him. I told her that they type of man she needs will be a man like her grandfather (my dad) or like Greg. I explained how these men are established, have worked hard for what they have, show women respect, take care of a home, family, and live a normal routine life. That is what H deserves. No girl wants to hear that her dad is not a prize, and maybe I shouldn’t have opened that box so soon with her but everyday it scares me, scares me that she will one day love a man like her dad, unstable, emotional mess, never knowing where he is going and more than likely never ending up where he thought he was supposed to be. So needless to say this had me restless last night. Restless that I am still upset with myself for letting him get under my skin, for allowing him to push me to a limit I thought I was pass. I am pass it, but last night I felt I had a voice and wanted him to HEAR Me about what he is doing to H and how I am tired of it. She deserves so much more. However, on a side note and a much better one, Greg was here after and he just let me lie in his lap and talk about it. He listened, not knowing what to say (not knowing he didn’t need to say anything) that him being there was more than enough. He seemed to have calmed me down and made me feel better just with his presence. This is what makes me feel like I have to be the luckiest woman to have met him and for him to be in my life and H’s. I was very reluctant to talk to Greg about what had happened not 10 minutes before we walked in the door, but the minute I put my head down on him and he rubbed my back, it was instantaneous how the words flew from my mouth discussing the situation. He is the man I want H to look up to along with any good man including my father. Although Greg made me feel better, I still struggled all night playing it over and over in my head the things I said to him. How could I have let him get me there? Ashamed that I lost it. But it is over now and hopefully this, these words on this paper will put my heart and head at ease.