Women

This is not a topic I’ve ever written about but thought about it many times in my life. Women, why do some never grow up? Why do some love drama so much they drag it out into their adult years? Why? Someone please explain this to me, this could be a reason why I have always had more guy friends than girls, because there is never any drama with men. Men don’t give a shit if you don’t come to their birthday lunch, or if you couldn’t get a sitter to hang out with them. Men don’t care, yes in a relationship this could hurt things but in a friendship it’s wonderful. I have never had a guy friend get mad at my over something soo silly and small. I have never once had a man question my friendship, availabity to our friendship, or ask why I seem so distant. However, with women and not all women but some that I have came across in my life or that I have viewed on the outside without even knowing a woman can tell that she is drama filled. A woman that is never satisfied and something is always wrong and wants to point out all the wrong in everyone else but themselves are women I don’t want to associate with. I have had a few failed friendships within the past two years with women that hurt me deeply and I have decided I’m not going to go out of my way for friends that are just “barely there” friends. I want someone that cares about me and what’s going on with me, not someone who only wants to spill their guts to me about their problems and talk shit about everyone they know to me. I don’t want to be apart of it. If you don’t like someone than you don’t like someone, but do not share it with other people that may be that person’s friends. What type of friend are you to put that one friend in a position to be stuck in the middle? Is that fair? I see women do this a lot and any time I see myself doing this I try very hard to catch myself and think. Then I keep quiet or I write about it. I do not want to bitch to another woman about a friend of ours that is out of place or I am having issues with because this is not fair to anyone involved. I also find many women that hide in their misery. Ever been around a woman that maybe didn’t like the woman beside them or what they were doing and make a snide rude comment instead of directing that snide rude comment at the person they seem to have a problem with? What the fuck women? Come on?! How old are we, if you don’t like me or what I wear or what I say then keep it to your fucking self! It’s not cute, it’s not funny, and in the end you look like the child. Am I innocent in all of the flaws that women have being friends with other women? HELL NO, but I am the first to admit my flaws when it comes to relationships with other women! Bottom line, I don’t like them, I’m not good at them, and I’ve been done so shitty by other women I find it best not to make new friendships with women, this way in the long run I can get my ass handed back to me. Nothing to loose, I struggle with this and sometimes find myself asking questions as to why I even still associate myself with some women that I thought were my friends. Because the minute I do not do what they think is right, or what they want me to do, or what they think I should be able to do I get nasty looks, rude comments (not at me) and conversations about me being talked behind my back by other women in the group!? I mean what the fuck is really going on? I am just happy to like the women I work with, to have a job, family, friends, house, a car, and so much more, why would I want to concentrate on the negative? I did for years and I was miserable. I know some just can’t get out of a rut, but don’t bring others down because you are and don’t assume that you know what’s sincere and what’s not sincere. If you always looking over your shoulder maybe that should tell you that the problem is you, maybe you are too paranoid that someone is out to get you. Maybe don’t set your expectations so high for someone that you know can’t return what you expect. However, be honest with yourself. If you constantly find yourself talking about others and their problems, maybe the problems you and you just don’t want to admit it. Women that do this, please work harder to not do this. It’s not attractive and not appealing to women like me that already have a hard enough time being friends with other women. You only make it easier for us not to care and make us not want to get any closer than we have to, to you.

Maroon 5 - If I Fell [Live] (The Beatles Cover)

I have to say, I was told to look this song up today by someone that I have no relationship with, but my heart melted and fluttered a million times. I have to say at I wish it would have meant something from the person it came from but I know it was nothing but just a simple gesture that he knew my love for Maroon 5.

sperm

So tonight I get an interesting call from the man I call the sperm donor of my beautiful child. Never mind the fact that we were once married. I only married him because he planted a seed inside of me that turned into a baby, therefore, sperm donor, dumbass, loser, dipshit, gave me the best laugh tonight that I could have ever asked for.
It begins with a text,
Sperm Donor “I need to talk to you about the doctors”
Me as rolling my eyes and sighing “What Drs?” as I’m thinking you fucking dumbass
Sperm Donor “My doctors”
At that moment I had an AHA MOMENT. I just knew he was going to have some off the wall shit to tell me. Like always and for those that are not familiar with the infamous sperm donor’s little stories they are always entertaining and always provide for a good laugh. For some reason he seems to think I am a complete utter dumbass. I can only think that he thinks I am such a dumbass because 1 I let him put it in me 2 because I was DUMB enough to marry his stupid ass. Anyways he always has these stories to make himself feel better about being a complete waste of space in this world. So as I finish up with the gym I already know that he is going to tell me. That he has went to the doctor and now has an incurable disease and is likely going to die and this is why he can’t work or do anything else productive in his life.
Phone conversation begins and the bullshit starts . . . .
Sperm Donor “I went to the doctors to get my lithium refilled and they checked my blood count, because they have to when you’re on lithium.” (Might I add, you are soo fucked up at 30 and even before that you are soo bipolar and you have been on lithium for years and are a complete psycho without it- need I remind you the hell he put me through for years without it) so my blood count was high. Your normal blood count is like 1500 and mine was like 3500. It was triple. So this automatically assumes that it has to be cancer. They advise me that it is either leukemia, another type of cancer (at this time I am trying very hard not to laugh) or Hodgkin’s disease.
Me: “Well. Ok. You should pray for yourself” (because personally I am not going to pray for your ass. I gave that up about a year ago hoping you would find JESUS and become a decent person)
Sperm Donor “ So I went in at 9 this morning and they took some more blood to run some more tests, I had to wait UNTIL 4 THIS AFTERNOON WITH THE RESULTS. I’m sitting around thinking that I’m going to die, I know they are just going to call me and tell that I am going to die. So I get a call round noon today say to come in at 4 I go in expecting them to tell me I’m dying, but they told me that it is not cancer or Hodgkin’s disease. I was relieved but now they don’t know what I have (here comes the incurable disease I was telling you I had already figured out through one dumbass text message) So now they thinking it could be from my lithium intake and are going to test that, but my great grandmother died from the same thing. She died from Bleeding to death on the inside.”
Me “yes that is what Hodgkin’s disease does to one person”
Sperm Donor “no she didn’t have Hodgkin’s, they never found out what she had and she died bleeding to death on the inside.
Me “really, well”
Sperm donor “ so I’ve been bleeding for months in my gums (did I mention that he got $8000 veneers put in a few years ago WHEN HE WASN’T PAYING ME CHILD SUPPORT) and I haven’t told anyone because I didn’t think anything about it but now with my blood palate so high (yes he said blood palate) and my gums bleeding so much they are very concerned. I have to go in all day tomorrow to have more tests run. I feel that I needed to tell you this because you are my daughter’s mother and you should have the right to know. But if they cannot figure out what is wrong with me in 3 months I will have to go into the hospital and they will have to explode my veins (I’m thinking, hmmm veins exploding, not sure why a doctor would do this, but ok, pretty sure this is what happens at the last few stages of Hodgkin’s disease but he seems to be so adamant about it, I keep quiet) and then they will have to give me a blood palate transfusion (hmm blood palate transfusion, wouldn’t that just be a blood transfusion? But I say nothing and just sit there). I’m scared to death Rachel, I have no idea what is going on with me and I’m terrified.
Me “Sorry, hope they figure it out.
Conversation ends.
As many of you are reading you probably all think I’m some cruel heartless bitch and that I should not be reacting this way to my child’s father, well most of you do not know what hell I have gone through with this man and many of you will say even with all the hell that he has put you through, you wish bad things on him. I wouldn’t say I wish bad things upon Sperm Donor; however, he has made his bed and needs to deal with the consequences. I forgave him a long time ago for all the shit and hell he put me through and all the horrible things he did to me physically and mentally, but I will never forgive him for being a shitty worthless piece of shit dad to my beautiful daughter who doesn’t deserve this. I can’t tell you how many times she asks me “Why does daddy not have a job?” Why does daddy not have his own house” Why does he promise me stuff and it never happens” What happened to his car” numerous questions of disappointment that I have had to hear from my 8 year old because he is 30 and can’t get his shit together. Yes everyone makes me mistakes and you always have a chance to come back from them. If he never did anything else right in his life not breaking promises to her would be enough for me, but time over and over he continues to fuck with this little innocent girl because he doesn’t know how to grow the fuck up. I’m left sitting here telling her how much I love her and I don’t have the questions to these answers, how I wish I did but I don’t and she may never have them either. So as I end this I don’t really give a shit what any of you think of me. Some quotes say “don’t judge someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes” but my quote is “don’t judge me until you have had the shit walked out of you a million times by someone that couldn’t walk a mile without you.”
In conclusion, let me say that there is probably and I’m almost certain 90% sure that there is really nothing wrong with him. This is just another way for the Sperm Donor to get some attention. Yes at 30 he still goes to these extremes. And if he is dying form an incurable disease then all I have to say is, well I hope you made the best of it.

Trying to hold my composure

Right now I want to scream and shake the shit out of my ex husband. Normally when you divorce someone you are done with their bullshit, correct? Not in my case. Yes we have a child together, however he does not have much to do with her. He tries to make all his friends think he is some great father but I know and my baby girl is slowly learning too. He has not asked me for her ssn because he claims he got a life insurance policy for her that his uncle paid for all the children. If this is the biggest load of shit then I don’t know what is. I don’t know why he wants her ssn, but I am sure the hell not going to give it to him. He is up to something I can smell it. She has had the flu and been sick 3 times this year and he doesn’t even know about it. He doesn’t know that I am sending her to the school counselor once a week because this poor child is stressed out and confused about her father. He doesn’t know that I am seeking professional help for her because she is going to need it the rest of her life to deal with his lying ass. I am blogging so I do not explode on his ass. The last thing he told me on the phone was “ this is about Her Rachel, that’s it” this is when I had to hang up the phone or I was going to say “wtf do you know about her, do you know that she is getting her RPE put back in her mouth and being sedated, did you know she had a stomach bug today, or the flu a fucking week ago. Did you know that she cries about you all the time and that she wants to know why she got stuck with a liar as a father” but I didn’t I hung up and ended the call. I have to be the bigger person, however this does not mean I will not blog about it. I will also be posting a blog of a conversation we had about a month ago just to show what a fucking dumbass I have to deal with. God I know I have cursed in this blog but I am begging you to please remove this man from my life and my daughter’s life. Without him we will be better.

work in progress. i plan to revise this

She saw a fuzzy little light coming from the closet. She wasn’t scared, but something surely wasn’t right. Her momma would never let her in the bed so she betters “suck it up” and not be afraid, exactly what momma would have said. However something just wasn’t right tonight. She had been having nightmares for about a week now and would wake up confused and not know where she was; now she was waking up in the same fog except this time to a fuzzy haunting little light. Closing her eyes tightly and squeezing her knees to her chest as tight as they would get, taking deep breathes, surely this would pass. Momma wasn’t going to wake up, she never did. She was always drugged because that was the only way momma ever got any sleep. Momma was a tough one and had taught her the same, but tonight this toughness was going nowhere but straight to her chest. Then a soft whistle came from the fuzzy little light and a small blast of cold air brushed her small cheek. She was unsure how much longer this toughness would prevail.
Finally the anxiety had to stop. She threw her legs over the side of her bed, looked toward momma’s room but heard nothing, not even a snore. Once again she looked, weighing the odds, however neither one out weighed the other so to the light she began. With each step she felt colder and trembles began to rise, her feet like ice and heart fluttering like a hummingbird. As she reached for the door a pain shot through her arm and stillness surrounded her from that moment forward. As she looked back she saw momma looking all around her room, searching for her, crying desperately and full of fear. Momma knew that something was wrong. As she tried to step back to show momma where she was, she could not move, time was still, darkness surrounded her and Death was just behind her. Starting to wonder about where she was and why she couldn’t go back, she began to weep but her tears were not of water, but a deep dark red that stained her face until the pool of redness was at her feet. Stepping back, she no longer felt her chest, she no longer felt scared, yet had no idea if she was really feeling anything at all.
Momma now sat in her bed, crying and screaming only to find that little bottle of pills that helped momma sleep, the pills that kept momma tough, and the pills that always kept momma from comforting her when a fuzzy little light appeared.
She remembered now as she looked at the puddle of red tears, as she looked Death in the eyes and at one last moment she saw momma too, through the crack of the door. Then through the mirror she found herself hung from the shower where she had stopped to look for the light. The light that was reflected from her nightlight reflected off of the mirror onto the shower curtain. She remembered now she took a few of those pills of mommas to make her just as tough, just to get through one single night without any nightmares since no one was there for comfort. And as she reached for the fuzzy little light she slipped and fell, except that light caught her and there she hung.

Dear God I'm at your Mercy

Dear God, tonight I beg you to give me strength for my daughter. She is only 8 and struggling with some things that a normal 8 year old should not deal with. Dear God please give me the strength to not kill this man that is called her father. She has been crying for days and maybe even weeks about her dad. She wants to know why he lies to her, she wants to know why he is never in the same place and she wants to know why he will never change. Dear God please tell me what I am suppose to say to her. She loves him so much because he is her father, but it seems the older he gets the worse he becomes and falls short every year. She is hurting so bad God and I don't have the answers. I want to take the pain away from her, but I don't know how. She said she hates her life and this kills me. She is 8 she shouldn't feel this way. I try so hard as mother to give her everything I possibly can, but I will never be able to give her the love that she wants so bad from her father. I've asked her to lean on me God and asked her to please talk to me about these things because if she continues to hold these burdens in she is going to be miserable and act out in a way that is not who she is. She is a good child God but she is lost and hurt. Her dad has lied to her for so long and now she is realizing what he has done she is angry with him but at the same time wants him to change. But God I know he is never going to change, he is 30 and only becomes more of a failure each year. I beg you God to somehow give my baby girl a peace about this and not let it tear and wear her down like its doing now. I'm seeking guidance in the school counselor and maybe looking elsewhere but I feel like I'm at your mercy now and I am begging you to help me with this. She is my life, my heart, and my soul and seeing her like this is killing me. I know this is not my fault I know this, but God please help me to help her understand that I cannot control him and that I love her more than anything in this world.

My Shit! My Quote! No one else's

“don’t judge me until you have had the shit walked out of you a million times by someone that couldn’t have walked a mile without you.”