Give me a Beer

Give me a beer, hand me a cigarette, better yet go ahead and make that a tab too.
Let my head spin, my body tremble, my mind stop racing and my heart stop hurting.
Go the hell on, I don’t care what you think, I do what I do and I try my damnest but hey you go fuck yourself with your shaded eyes and belief that everything will work its way out.
Did you ever stop to think that those fucking roses don’t smell so fresh, or that the grass isn’t greener because it’s better but because it’s SHIT stained green.
Give me vodka straight and a hit off that joint.
Let me be free and listen to the rhythm this funky green gives me.
Let me mellow out and forget what’s going on around me, just let me be me.
Don’t judge me because I speak in tongues or see in colors, no one is perfect, I’m just not so damn quiet about it.
Give me something other than this thing we call life. Some say God, some say anti-depressants but for now I’d rather just have a beer and a cigarette and o yea don’t forget that tab.

it's me again

Well here I am again trying this blogging thing, but this time making it public. It seems that everytime I have a life changing experience I remember how to write again. Inspirations comes and goes with me, it's never when I expect it and hits me hard when I have no idea what to do with it. It's funny how someone likes me decides on if she is really happy in life. I feel that I have hurdled so many obstacles and have a lot to show for my hard work, however at times I don't know if I'm happy, sad, or just numb to this whole process we call life. I've always been skeptical to think that a woman needs a man to survive or that I need one. Relationships are not my best forte and I think this is because I'm not your normal species. Yes I know if you are a woman you are thinking you feel exactly the same way and if you are a man reading this you are thinking, sure you are, all woman think this. I'm normally only happy for a short period of time anytime I am with a man, normally this is in the beginning and things change, people change, grow together, grow apart, whatever the fuck you want to call it, nothing ever stays those same. Someone always changes, someone always stops trying hard, someone just stop all together, etc. I could go on for days. I'm really just rambling at this point because I've lost all train of thought. My mind races 90MPH at all times, and normally at about 150MPH when I try to go to sleep at night. I guess what I'm trying to get at it this skeptical woman that once felt that she did not need a man to make her happy is beginning to think with old age that maybe I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. Maybe I want to cook dinner for someone at night and maybe just maybe I would like to have another child before my 8 year old is 16. I have came to a point in my life where NUMBNESS is all I feel. I don't feel sad, I don't feel angry, I don't feel anything at all and I do not like this. I've always loved every emotion that I've ever felt. I've always been a very passionate person and thrived off of the way things made me feel and now I don't have any of this and I don't feel like me. I'm lost, numb, and just seem to ramble.

What really Chaps my Ass

So here is what really chaps my ass....
straglers, rompers, beggers, whatever you want to call them.
We have all seen them, we pull in our neighborhood and you see a neighbor standing outside their door like they would rather be shot than standing there listening to these two goons go on for the next 15-30 minutes about only GOD knows what. You go inside, close the blinds and try to avoid them. Somehow they just don't care. Let me go ahead and tell you now, if you selling something I'm not buying it, if your preaching something don't bother. My father is a preacher and if I haven't heard it from him I'm sure I can ask him on my own dam time.
So tonight two half witted looking young men knock on my door. No, normally I dont answer unexpected knocks. However the knock sounded familiar (yes I know, 'how the hell do you know a familiar knock from an unfamiliar' trust me I do). So I open the door and say YES? and the first thing out of their mouths are "Are you the lady of teh house?" My first response wants to be, well you saw me walk in the house with my 7 year old daughter and unload groceries from my car so What the hell do you think dimwit? But because my daughter is in the kitchen I refrain from being mouthy. I look at them and simple state I am busy with homework and they start stuttering something and I slam my door.
First thought is these two young men were probably going to ask me to contribute to some stupid fucking fund that they have created for idiotic people to believe in them. Help put them through college or send them to a summer camp. Well HELL NO, no one helped me when I needed money for college, I never got to go on Spring Break, or for that matter even have a Senior Trip. If I would have known then what I know now "which is some people are just fucking gullible" I would have been out in every neighborhood I knew knocking on doors making up some sad sob story just so I could get money. Yes, do some of these children have good intentions? Yes I think some do, I know a few church children that didn't come from the best of families and the only way for them to get money to go on a church trip would be to ask. I just find humor that kids these days get to knock on doors and ask for contributions and the fucked up part, is it works for about 80% of them. I am just like REally What the hell? What happened to good ole earned money. The 60 seconds these boys were standing at my door stuttering and mumbling they could have been flipping a hamburger, making a taco, or for crying out loud bussing some dam tables. Hell you could have been making probably $6.00 an hour instead of standing in my doorway irritating the hell out of me and getting not jack shit from me.Go get a job kids. I had to get a job when I was 16, if I wanted a car, I paid for it, If i wanted designer clothes, guess what I had to pay for it. I have been working since I was 16 and anything that I really wanted that was nice, I had to get. So I could go on for hours about the rompers, the stragglers, the beggers, but I'll end with this. Don't knock on my door, because one day I will unleash hell on one of you and you are going to wish you hadn't knocked on my door. On that note, I will be getting a Peep Hole put in this weekend. LOL

Her Fairytale

Today is filled full of tomorrow’s work
Simple life, simple love is all she said she would ever need.
She forgot and stopped to think that love was something real.
Simple pleasures and sweet gestures were all her heart ever desired.
Although she lied and never thought it out loud, this was all she ever needed.
She didn’t need a fancy ring, a big house, or a shiny car.
All she ever needed was love.
Tomorrow is full of yesterday’s past.
She had restless nights with tossing and turning, her heart such a mess and her mind in a scatter,
But once he came along, she soon forgot about the pain and emptiness.
What a life she thought she had, it seemed so complete and full,
But once he came along she saw she couldn’t go on without him
How had she ever truly lived without him was at much her dismay
Future of a lifetime
She didn’t know right at first that he would be the man that held her heart so tight
However she did know quickly that he was the one.
He was the first true love of her life
Where butterflies don’t end, and each kiss is a breath of fresh air
With every hug and every smile, her heart flutters as if it was hummingbirds’ wings.
Each laugh and each frown, she knew she would never be able to let this man go.
He carved his name in the middle of her heart and showed this woman that there was hope for a life for
of love and laughter after all.
Even though she never believed in silly girls’ and their fairytales,
He gave her, her very own fairytale
The fairytale of hope.

Lust and desire

Lizzie wants him in her bed. She wants to feel his touch. She wants Rory to make love to her like she has never wanted anyone to make love to her before. The way Rory touched her, the way he look at her, the way he kissed her has her mesmerized beyond any desires she could have ever imagined. Yet Lizzie is still confused on if this is truly Rory and if its really the way he feel or if this is just the way that he is with any woman. HIS arm, his accent, his guitar swooning abilities makes her heart beat and race not in her chest, but in her libido. His smile, his quirky way has Lizzie mesmerized. He has Lizzie in a trance, one that she cannot even explain. She has yearned for him since the 1st night they were together. She wants to feel Rory more, she wants to feel him inside of her, Lizzie wants to see if the sex would be as great as the kiss .Lizzie has dreamt every night about the sex with Rory and wake up every morning yearning for him while her panties are wet each morning. Her mind, body and her libido are mesmerized by him. She didn’t know it was possible, she didn’t know it could happen, but she has this unimaginable desire to be in his bed with Rory buried deep inside of her. .

blackness

She closes her eyes tight, she must sleep tonight.
She tries to clear her mind, she tries to not think.
But wait what was that, a tap? A scuffle on the floor? No she thinks to herself “I’m slowly loosing my mind with paranoia. “
She keeps her eyes closed, “I must stop this madness”, she must sleep.
But her mind is racing, her thoughts are taking over, she opens her eyes in the very dark room.
O shit, what is that in the corner of the room? A figure like shadow? No! she tells herself there is no way.
She is all alone, no one could be in here with her. She is frightened now, but not enough to move, speak, or look anymore.
She closes her eyes tight. Must stop the madness, clear her mind. She must sleep tonight.
She has almost reached serenity, then a shiver and wave of uncertainty flows through her body and shoots her straight up in the bed. She then opens here eyes and she knows now what she sees. It is him right in front of her, holding his arms out, he is reaching for her, but how can this be? she thinks. He is gone, I said goodbye to him, he died a few weeks back. She is so terrified she cannot move, the figure staring her straight in the eyes, but still she cant move, she cant speak, then he moves……
Blackness…………..
She awakes the next morning, vaguely remembering the night before.
Simply a fragment, a small detail of something unexplainable and clearly unlikely.
She goes along with her morning routine,
As leaving for the day, she notices something out of place, something that has not been seen since she was maybe 10 years old. A picture, not her picture, but a picture that was never in her possession.
Shivers………
She remembers, it wasn’t a dream, it wasn’t a fragment.
He was there last night in her room……..
Madness…….
She closes her eyes, she clears her mind, she opens the door. Her day will go on, and tonight she will sleep. She remembers the drugs in her purse that makes the madness go away and induce her sleep.
She tries to forget, however it will be back to remind her again one day.
Blackness…
Madness….
Shivers…..

Marked

His hands were around her neck, her arms flying violently, trying to push him off. The anger and hatred in his eyes as he strangled her tiny dainty neck were monstrous and looked as if the devil was controlling his body. She couldn’t defend herself as her last breath began to wither until she fell to the ground like a wet noodle. When she came to she was on the bathroom floor. Where was he, o God, she hoped and prayed he didn’t have the gun that night. She crawled to her daughter’s room where she was still so peaceful and never woke up. She was shocked the cops hadn’t been called from the neighbors below or beside them. How she hoped the cops were coming to save her. To take this asshole away. How could someone so small be so strong and strike a woman so hard. The next morning the marks around her neck said it all. This was it she thought, I will take no more. She went along with her day, took her daughter to school and took a personal day. Where was she going to go with these bruises around her neck. She decided this was it, he would no longer push her around, throw things in her face, scream and curse her very living. She was done and now he was going to pay . She knew what time to expect him home, the bastard, the inhumane being that called himself a man. So late lunch would be ready, she would act as if she were sorry like she always had done, He was somehow a great manipulator at making her think she was the one to blame. That if she would have kept her mouth shut she wouldn’t wind up with the bruises or the marks. So she played along this day. This would however be the last day that she did. She made his favorite dish, Crusted Parmesan Chicken. However she added two special ingredients that day, she would not have this attempt fail, it had to be hundred proof. While making the batter for the chicken she added crushed aspirin and rat poison, more than enough to kill an elephant. She prepared the food just as she normally does. Coating each piece of chicken in the parmesan, eggs, and now the aspirin and rat poison, He would never know. As he arrived, he said No I’m sorry, o wow thank you for cooking, nothing. She told him she was leaving early to go to the library for school and then would pick up their daughter and would be back in a few hours. He thought nothing of it. As she left she told him goodbye and that she loved him , knowing that when she saw him again, he would be a corpse and that made her smile. She left the aspirin and the rat poison in the bathroom counter. So when she called the cops they would see that he had probably overdosed. He was a raging alcoholic and had already had a drink before he even arrived home. The cops would merely think he drank too much and decided to take the aspirin and took the rat poison by mistake. As she drove out of the parking lot that day a sense of relief came over here, the marks on her neck no longer ached as they would be the last marks he ever put on her. He would be gone. Her life would begin, she would be safe and her daughter would no longer cry because daddy was hitting mommy. Free she was. Marked no longer.