Binge

Someone told me not to settle so I
Binge / someone told me I deserved better- yet better hasn't came along in 5 years. Someone told me no regrets - yet where are they standing and how are they feeling ?! Finally someone told me to stop and breathe and as hard as it is I'm trying . To breathe, to forget but not. To not feel bad because I know really where your heart belongs but I can't fight this battle - I deserve better - I deserve one that wants to fight for me- take chances- take risks. Someone told me to just let it go- its not the right time - oh how I'm trying but fuck it's so hard when I know how that someone feels about me even of he doesn't have the courage to speak it out loud. So I repeat to myself: don't settle (like him) have no regrets ( yet somehow try to forget all those memories without thinking of one day where I cant reference you)! I deserve better and stop and breathe . When the Time is right I'll get what I deserve ( even if I'm 60+) I don't want to forget yet that's easier said than done- better.... No settling, and breathe ....

"Ho Hey" by the Lumineers...

this song speaks volumes to me... I'm tired of doing right. I'm tired of living a lonely life. I want to see a family and i do know where you belong and that is with me and you know it too. . . 

"Ho Hey"

(Ho!) I've been trying to do it right
(Hey!) I've been living a lonely life
(Ho!) I've been sleeping here instead
(Hey!)I've been sleeping in my bed,
(Ho!) I've been sleeping in my bed (Hey!)

(Ho!)

(Ho!) So show me family
(Hey!) All the blood that I would bleed
(Ho!) I don't know where I belong
(Hey!) I don't know where I went wrong
(Ho!) But I can write a song (Hey!)

1,2,3 I belong with you, you belong with me you're my sweetheart
I belong with you, you belong with me you're my sweet (Ho!)

(hey!)
(ho!)
(hey!)

(ho!) I don't think you're right for him
(hey!) Look at what it might have been if you
(ho!) Took the bus to china town
(hey!) I've been standing on Canal
(ho!) And Bowery (hey!)
(ho!) And she'd be standing next to me (hey!)

1,2,3 I belong with you you belong with me you're my sweet heart
I belong with you, you belong with me you're my sweet heart

And love we need is now
Let's hope for some
Cause oh, we're bleeding out

I belong with you you belong with me you're my sweet heart
I belong with you you belong with me you're my sweet (Ho!)

(Hey!)
(Ho!)
(Hey!)

Saying Goodbye before the other one speaks it....

knowing something is over before that someone tells you is probably one of the hardest things i've ever had to grasp. its like a hurricane, you know its coming just not quite sure when or where it will strike. i know this has played out until the end and i know i can't beg anymore to become of it, so i say my goodbye before you can say it first. if i write it out before you officially tell me then maybe that goodbye will not be so hard. maybe it will make your goodbye bittersweet and maybe i won't cry.
so as i sit here on my patio with a glass of wine and my laptop, i'm saying goodbye to you. goodbye to the memories that we created and goodbye to something i shared with you that i never shared with anyone before. goodbye to someone i grew to love and goodbye to someone i trust. goodbye tonight and pray that i can be strong when you tell me your goodbye this week. . .Goodbye while standing tall and without any tears, Goodbye with a good luck and goodbye with nothing but happy thoughts for you and for her.
Goodbye my sweet summer love. goodbye to someone that was more than just a summer love, goodbye to shitting timing, goodbye to you. goodbye my love nothing more than simply goodbye.

The Farm 2012

The Farm June 9 2012

When you least expect it and at the most random time in life does one really learn how to be themselves. Whether it be on a farm with thousands of hippies, drugs, alcohol, and only god know what else, does one find themselves. Feel comfortable to walk around in their own skin, to breath, smile, laugh, and dance like it’s the only one you have left. To not think about what’s ahead, nor worry about how or where you might stay. Where one night you get to be you around thousands of people doing exactly what you want to be doing.

There are so many moments in less than an 8 hour span that I would bottle and keep on a shelf if I could. Dances shared, walks to This, That, and What the wrong stage?, to laying in the ground enjoying only one thing around you at that one moment. Sharing little secrets that will always be and only having to share and remember those with that one or several people. . . Making friends, dancing with people you don’t know, walking in the rain, when you are the one person that hates the rain more than anyone they know. When nothing matters, not cold nights, rain, soggy fries, hot ass pizza that burnt your  mouth. Worth every bit of pain the next day or the days to come to recover from sleep deprivation, body aches, emotional withdrawals from the love that was felt from just a few nights being yourself alone at the Roo.

The most unexpected, unplanned weekend on the farm turned out to be the best so far. It will be hard to top The Farm June 9 2012.

Sweet bliss....:

Sitting on the beach sipping on some rum and pineapple Juice smoking up the rays is sweet bliss. It's perfect here- wind blowing so it's not under bearable to be in the sun. Last night me, my sister , and mom and dad sat on the beach for the first time as a family and it was wonderful. It's only day two and I'm having the best time- I'm not a morning person but having breakfast with everyone this morning was awesome- reminded me of being kids when dad use to tell us his stories. He had a silly story to tell us this morning. Everyone is really having. A great time and this whole family vacation is going better than imagine. :) sweet bliss - I now remember why I loved my family so much

My heart to heart with Haleigh

Last night at the beach Haleigh and I had one of our heart to hearts and this one unfortunately broke my heart. She is a mess - she loves her dad so much and me so much at the same time- she still hopes one day we will be together. I made the huge mistake of going to dinner with Haleigh and him. I didn't even eat- I just went because she asked me to. I can tolerate her dad enough so I was simply trying to make her happy when in the end I believe she was so excited to have us 3 together it gave her the wrong idea. She cried in my arms last night and said dinner w us three was one of the best nights of her life. I felt terrible and responsible- I knew better- I was just trying to do what she wanted - later as the night when on after many tears she told me that her dad had told her that night to keep smiling and asking me and I'd eventually go. Now this infuriates me , is he using our daughter to get close to me or be around me or is it the simple fact that maybe he is in the same boat as me and felt that it's what she wanted and he simply wanted to make her happy like me. I know this man and his ways - I'm trying not to be so quick on jumping the gun and say he had other motives but this has been the past with him for 9 years. As I'm growing as a mother and a woman I'm trying and learning that maybe he is trying for her and no one else and with no other reasons behind it, but it's hard to let go of something you have known for so long. Yes I forgave him for all the terrible stuff he did to me and "us" but forgiveness doesn't allow one to forget. I hope he was only trying to do what I was and make her happy and had no thoughts of trying To get closer to me. It breaks my heart each time I have to tell her that mommy will never be back with daddy because it's what she wants . Yet I guess most kids in this situation want this too. 5 years of divorce and it seemed harder and harder for Haleigh to let go of. Maybe it would be easier if I was with someone else and she saw how happy I am with someone . Happiness is never something she saw between me and him. Hoping that Haleigh and I can
Have more heart to hearts this week. I want her to talk to me and trust me and not shut me out the more she is around her dad. Being a single mother is harder emotionally somedays than others ..../

Love @ # 2

Finding it hard to be number two.

After years and years of beating myself up that I was nothing but number one, I found myself next to you, only to be number two, never number one.

Love really is blinding, love really does hurt, especially when you are the one that is not loved back. I love you and lost sight, I love you and lost reality, I love you and lost myself.

Would rather know now than not know at all, that’s what I keep telling myself to make me feel better at the end of the day. Knowing I’m not some other girl, knowing I’m more than I even knew.

Love is just.

Love is needed.

Love is wanted.

Love is heartbreaking.

Love is hard when playing number two.