vomit.

I feel the vomit rise in my throat when I think of not having you, yet having you seems so unreal.
 my heart races when you are near, and my hands sweat like a 13 year old girl that's never been kissed.
Vomit is what rises because i know i created this mess. This is my fault, why did i do this?  why did i get so close? why didn't i stay away?
vomit? maybe that's the answer, maybe I can vomit you away.

writing in the tub, yes, that's what i said....

You know the worse part about writing is when you can't stop, when you feel like the only time you can breathe is when you write. when you can say what your heart and mind really desires. sitting in a bathtub with a migraine from hell, hangover from love, and too much caffeine, all while sweating like a pig from the heat in the bathroom, trying to not knock the laptop in the tub just so you can get some relief. Just so you can say that you said all that needed to be said, even if no one reads it or ever hears it. my fingers feel relieved and somehow my heart and mind at ease. I really should stop, i know this is dangerous, who seriously sits their laptop on the side of the tub does this? lol This is what I need so this is what I do :) I think i'm almost done now, with my rants. I'm pretty sure tonight i will drug myself so I can sleep and not think. my brain needs an off button or at least a  pause button. it never stops, no matter how hard i try. i swear its a curse . i'm just trying to remember what i ever did so wrong to deserve such an unhealthy curse.
 yep i think that's it. time for some rest. I hope i don't think about any of this tonight. . .

dirty little secrets...

Dirty little secrets,
please tell me yours. . .
we all have them and we all want more. . .
Dirty little secrets,
please come out to play....
the ones that we desire and the ones that we cherish...
Dirty little secrets,
please stop playing with me.

The worst hangover was my hunger for you....

Do you want to know what the worst hangover I've ever had? It's you. The hunger that grows for your companionship that ultimately leaves me hungover.  It's very similar to my other hangovers except yours seems to dwell into the next day and the day after, sometime lingering for a week, and just when the hangover starts to fade away there you are again. Tempting, and teasing me, only giving me a little piece of you, never the whole. It only gets worse and the hangovers only last longer. I get a little bit of you with a whole lot of guilt, remorse, loneliness, and sadness.
When will it stop? When will I be the stronger person? Why am I weak with you? Why are you my drug? Why do the hangovers hurt so damn bad? Why ? Maybe its just because I'm not enough, at least not enough for you. Everyone says I will be for someone one day, yet the days seem longer and the years seem shorter. And the little of you I have I only leaves me wanting more.
I'm not moving too fast. It's always been there, it was always you, but it just wasn't the right time, but neither is now it seems.
I need this hangover to end. It's the mixture of hunger and hangover. Hunger for something that I've wanted for so long, having just a slight taste, to leave a sweet but bitter taste. And the hangover that reminds me that all I had was a bit, a taste, just enough to leave me hurting until the next time. Hangover

A long overdo Rachel's rant...

So here is a little rant of mine. . .
Over the weekend I saw several of my friends make posts on FB about a new bar opened in The Avenue, Bar Louie's and was a little astonished at the way ass adults were behaving. However, I have taken into consideration I'm not at all a huge sports fan, but I do love hockey and support my Nashville Predators, however I am not going to go to a great new place with probably the best service I've had in awhile because the manager wore a Red Wings jersey to the bar on Friday night when the Predators played.
Several people posted that it was the dumbest move a manager could do trying to open a new establishment in this area. How dare him? They will never get any of their money now and they will be sure to tell all of their friends that now state they will not give this new place a try. Here is where I said " this is fucking absurd and the stupidest shit I've ever heard. " I didn't see these posts until after I went there on Sunday for a lunch and cocktail. Everyone there was friendly, the bartenders shook each persons hand that sat down, asked their names then passed the names on to everyone else working behind the bar so they could ask them by name if they needed anything else in case your original bartender was hung up while you needed anything. When we left the bar, the manager got up from his table meeting with employees shook our hands once again, 'called us by our names' and told us thank you for stopping by and hopes we come back" Come on people, I mean what bar or restaurant have you been to in Murfreesboro that does that.Isn't everyone always talking about service, the importance of it, someplace to call home like Cheer's? Well what if this is the place you idiots and yes some of these idiots are my friends, but just like them I'm entitled to my opinion. What if the manager of this new bar is from Detroit, that's his home town, the team he grew up being loyal too? Do you really expect him to stop being loyal to his team? Would you if you had to move out of state that had a new team you didn't grow up investing time and dedication too change your team just because of where you live? I think not, at least not Predators' fans or even Titans for that fact (no matter how bad they get each season)
So my rant is "Is dedication to a team going to affect everything in your life, from where you eat, to where you shop, to where you socialize? Come on people get over it! Everyone should be able to root for whatever team they want, and just because it's not "OUR" team does not give us the right to boycott somewhere that I think may have some of the best service in town. So suck on that. . .

4:15

Something so exciting yet something on dangerous territory.
Not only is it against everything I believe, I have found myself in this place where I can't stop. And I don't want to stop. I don't want to be this person, I'm not bad, I just have found something in the one place I never would have thought and now it consumes me. Ex6ited to wake up, excited to feel that feeling that I was not sure even existed inside of me. So here I am at 4:15 wide awake, can't sleep because I'm too damn excited and anxious. It probably had something to do with the dream and that you were in it. It's like you are always there but at a distance, never close enough to grab and take hold of... not mine for the taking yet wanting you so bad.
This madness has to stop, I'm like a little girl, sweaty palms, tingly stomach, nervous to make the wrong move. What has happened to me? Where is this strong woman I've been writing about for so damn long? You make me weak, which may be my strongest strength.Finally knowing that there is a part of me that does exist and maybe I'm not destined to be alone for the rest of eternity. Even if this excitement has to end, at leas t I know now that I am capable of feeling and wanting someone. I didn't ask for this and never meant for it to happen, but as cliche as it is. Things happen when you least expect them and at times that may not always be the easiest to understand.

Defeated....

Why is it that every time a good thing comes along it never seems to be at a right time?

How does one honestly know when a good time is? How does one stop and make the decision if this is a sign or a slight infatuation?

What make any good thing come at a bad time? If it’s a good thing why is it a bad time? How does one differentiate?

It feels like not many good things happen in my life but when something good does come along it never seems to work out for me. Whether its life in general or love…..

Why does it have to be so hard? I know nothing of importance is easy but damn, why now? Because I’m finally happy with me? I finally know who I am . . . why why now? Is all I have to ask. . .

Desperately seeking an answer to something I’m sure will not favor me in the end but I need to know. Am I crazy? Is this stupid? Or is this real?

It feels real, unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. It somehow is the best and the worse feeling at the same and I’m lost. . .

I feel like I’m wandering around and don’t know where to go. Actually I know where I want to go but can’t. Certain factors don’t allow me to go where my heart desires. . . I’m honestly not sure how much longer I can hold on…

An independent woman that’s heart is in all the right and wrong places at the same time…

Defeated….