Stand In Please lol

Is it strange that I want a wedding? haha I don't really want to married part, at least not yet, but I do want a big o wedding with a beautiful dress, with an immaculate cake and a bomb ass reception. I want to dance all night in a big beautiful dress that is just for me and have all my friends and family around for my wedding. However I don't want the marriage, even stranger. Would someone like to be my Fake Stand In Husband for the Night?! hahahahaha strange. I've really been watching too much: david tutera my fair wedding on the WE network. I just thought of this and wanted to blog about it. Random and stupid but this is what you get for any of you out there that might actually read this bullshit. LOL

Dazed and Confused God vs Higher Power or Other???

So after making it almost 3 weeks I didn't quite make it without alcohol for a full 4 weeks, or going out on a date, or keeping up with my devotionals. However one thing I have kept up with is exercising and eating well. However, this has never really been a problem for me. I have lost 6 lbs. and would like to loose about 5 more lbs and get some lean muscle going on. Everytime I think that I know where I am going or where I need to be going a wise friend of mine makes me open my eyes with some great quotes and emails. I am sometimes afraid that what if I don't necessarily believe in God but believe in him because that is what is taught and drilled into my head. I feel mine more than others over the past ten years as my father is a preacher and my mother the wife of a preacher and a true believer in the word. Except I'm not so sure I've ever believed in Him really and Ive never had the guts to say it out loud, only thinking it to myself. I feel that if I don't have Him to look forward to what the hell am I on this Earth for. I have many friends who say they believe in a "higher power" and I have fought this on the tooth and nail each time but I am not really sure why I have for so long. At times I felt that without the strength of God I would not be where I am in my life now, but what if it was just a higher power. Things I continue to struggle with and I am not sure when I will ever figure all this out. But Christians sure seem to think you need to realize now before its too late and He does come back and you can't go live the good life with him. I don't want to be left behind. I accepted Jesus into my life about 6 years ago but I am not sure I ever really felt this Holy Spirit that everyone talks about feeling. I am afraid I was in such a bad place in my life I longed so much to have that feeling, but I am not sure I ever got there. Which brings me to my most recent information I have been given by my friend, word from Ghandi. I have to say I don't know much about Ghandi, beliefs, or anything that revolves around him, however everything that I have been searching for Ghandi had already said and I didn't even know it. “Constant development is the law of life, and a man who always tries to maintain his dogmas in order to appear consistent drives himself into a false position.” Have I been driving myself into a false position, at times Yes would be the answer. And yet another thing my friend says to me "When we say, “I have to listen to my heart and do whatever the heart says,” we can very easily misguide ourselves because the language of the heart we are listening to is polluted by desires. But if the mind is purified and devotion and dispassion are attained, then the heart tells the truth. The mind doesn’t want any discipline; it always makes excuses to avoid it. So most people say, “I have to listen to my heart,” and they stop their efforts to purify their minds. In this way they trick themselves and can’t progress in their spiritual life." This alone has set me on a mind fuck. My last post was all about trying to follow something, mainly my heart yet this here says this is just an excuse. It is my mind that I have to get right. Well for the love of everything HOLY can someone please tell me how to do this. My mind needs discipline, it needs purification. HOW? I scream.

Reflection

I wish that I could take away the anger and the attitude that I deal with on a daily basis. I find myself getting angry over the smallest things. I don't want to say I have a bad attitude but that my attitude is not the best most of the time. Last night at the gym I got so upset with this woman that was on a machine that I needed. I waited patiently for about 10 minutes then my blood started to boil because I know she saw me waiting there and could have easily asked if I wanted to do my sets as she took a break (which is what I would have done and have done numerous times) however she continued, finally after 15 minutes I storm off, pissed and cursing under my breath. I don't know why I tick this way and why something so small such as this would make me want to implode on someone. This is only one example. I fear so much that I am going to become this angry person, yet another reason why I have devoted myself to 4 weeks of just myself. It's day 4 and I have read a devotional each day and reading a daily verse, however I do not still moved but I am not giving up. It has only been 4 days, this 4 week discovery will probably turn into a lifetime of discovery. I have done very well on my new diet for the past 4 days and I have gotten back into my workout routine after being off for 2 weeks. I know this is a process and I feel that if I find Him, he can help me release this anger and soothe my attitude. He has to be the one in control, He has to be the one driving, and I have to sit in the passenger seat and keep my mouth shut. I am just so anxious to have that one moment with Him that I hear others say they have where I hear Him, feel His presence and know that He has not given up on me and will give me the guidance I need so bad.

New Year, New Path my Self Cleansing 4 Week Discovery

First, let me say I do not make New Years Resolutions. I believe that they are 95% a failure in the end. Yes there are that 5% that stick with their New Years Resolution for the full 12 months and actually accomplish what they truly set out to do. My take on New Years Resolutions are why wait until the New Year to make a plan of action for your life. If you are truly inspired and want to take a new direction in your life then you take it then, you do not wait until a New Year. Yes, New Year, new beginnings, but new beginnings do not have to wait until a New Year. With this being said I have struggled for many months if not for a year or so with my life and the direction it is going and where I want to be with my faith in something, anything at that. I had a very heart filled conversation with my best friend and her husband who I find their love and faith in God a true work of what is going on in their lives. I am lost in Faith, God, and almost everything else these days. However my best friend's husband sent me a link Saturday night as we were talking about how it is not up to me to change my life, to change my direction, or to find the true love that I want to exist in my life so bad. I have to stop trying to make a difference in my life and hand my life over to God and then I will start to see changes. I have to stop trying to be such a control freak, I need to turn this over to God and let him have the complete control over my life. With this being said I thought long and hard last night about something I want to do for at least 4 weeks, starting today. I have decided I am going to focus on my health, diet, physical fitness, my relationship with my daughter and try to read devotionals everyday and step back from the outside world for 4 weeks. This does not mean that I am cutting everyone off from my life, it just means that I am giving myself 4 weeks to reflect without going on dates with men/guys and going to a bar for an occasional drink. During the week I will not struggle with this, because of school, Haleigh's school, and the gym, however whenever Haleigh may not be with me on the weekends I will have to stand strong and not fold. I plan to remove alcohol from my life for a full 4 weeks while I concentrate, perhaps even meditating on what I think needs to be important. I do want to start attending church with my friend and her family for myself, but also Haleigh. She loves church, she soaks it up, however if I do not go to church my goals within these next four weeks of personal reflection will be to (1)read a devotional everyday along with a bible verse that I receive each morning on my phone, (2) remove alcohol for 4 full weeks, and (3) no dating or socializing other than with the two positive people in my life. I do not call this my New Years Resolution, I am calling this my Self Cleansing 4 Week Discovery. Once I make it past 4 weeks I will then decide where to continue this discover and cleansing in my life. I will try to blog weekly to keep an update of how things are going and how tough they may be.