"What if"

Do you ever lie in bed at night and toss and turn and wonder “what if”?
I guess we all wonder “what if”? But recently I was giving advice, hence this is so funny on so many levels. That what if shouldn’t even exist.” What if” … fill in the blank; we could all go on for days, some even years.
The truth is “What if” doesn’t matter because if “what if” mattered then you wouldn’t be where you were today. I stopped asking what if about a year ago and somehow I have found a sense of peace in my life.
“What if”…. Will never exist.
“What if”….will never matter.
“What if”… you stopped thinking about “what if”, you might be surprised at how moving forward is so much easier.
“What if” I hadn’t have done this or “what if” I had done this!? “What if” is just a load of bullshit to keep over analyzers like me and so many more out there up way too much and holding on for way too long. “What if” should be removed from everyone’s vocabulary, because if you hold on to those “What ifs” a little too long something better may just pass you by.

Judgement

Don’t judge me! She screams, from the top of the roof on that cold wintery night.
Don’t judge me because I can’t go on any longer in this place you call a life.
Don’t judge me because I wish every day I didn’t have my daughter! Don’t judge me because I don’t know if I really like being a mother.
Don’t judge me because I loathe the ground my mother walks on, Don’t judge me because when so many out there wish for a mother, I wish more to not have mine.
Don’t judge me because I enjoy the pain and misery more than any happiness and laughter, she says.
Don’t judge me because I branded myself with a tattoo of a man that once fucked me and never saw again.
Don’t judge me as I stand here on this rooftop screaming at the top of my lungs, because I’ve had more than I can take and I just need to state, that sometimes death appears better than the judgment that I have to face each day.
She is thin, she is sad, her heart is as cold as cold can get. She does not get it. She is all out of answers. She doesn’t care what people think or say, yet here she stands on the ledge tonight screaming out “don’t judge me.”
Don’t judge me because some days I’d rather lay in the bed and sleep the whole day away then have to step out and face reality.
Don’t judge me because I’m obsessed with my weight and what I put in my mouth. Don’t judge me because I’m scared I’m going to be fat one day, as a tear drops from her eye.
Don’t judge me because I like to drink, don’t judge me because I snort hydrocodone to feel the high faster than swallowing the pill.
Don’t judge me because I like it in the butt. Don’t judge me because I like to be hit, don’t judge me because sometimes I like it when they gag me.
Don’t judge me! She screams as she moves her foot forward just with one tiny step…
Silence
Judgment is gone.

fog

so i tried to write tonight. however there are so many things going through my brain, i can't even begin to focus on one subject. in a jist, in the past week, i found an old friend, who turned out to be someone i never truly knew, but more impressed than I ever could have imagined with this picture taker. for the first time in my life i went weak in the knees and felt this electric surge run through my body like i had just been hit with a bolt of lightning. needless to say for once this foul mouth woman is at a loss for words and cant seem to grasp all that has happened in the past 5 days. the fog is soo thick i dont know where to begin and where to end. i guess all i can do is wait out this fog and see what's suppose to be revealed to me.

Bedouin Soundclash - Brutal Hearts (feat. Coeur De Pirate)

This is my favorite song at the moment...
It speaks to my heart, soul, etc. Lol.

random

I haven't really posted anything lately because i feel a little numb at the moment. I feel a little lost and confused. I really have been thinking about joining some type of group that does activities and gets me out there. I'm not saying I need a new group of friends because I love all of my friends dearly but everyone has so much going on that I seem to be the only one that is single, minus one or two of my friends. We are all older now, and I understand we cant all get together all of the time but I find myself not doing anything when Haleigh is gone on the weekends to visit the "other" family. I'm not looking for love, I'm looking for a social group to do things with, try new things out. I need a new venue. I need to put myself out there more. I really want to write, but I don't know where to go with this or where to begin. I have looked into Events in Nashville, but it seems to be more of a dating avenue more than a social gathering the more I look into it. You MUST BE SINGLE to join, what happens if you meet someone? Can you no longer be a member of this group. Just things I have been randomly thinking about. I have more on my mind, but this is it for now. and no i did not proofread this before posting. lol

Best Friend

My Best Friend and I live in different states and at times I miss her more than words could describe. Tonight I was going through some old photos and they made me laugh and even cry, so I wrote just a bit about my best friend
No one will ever be able to understand the bond that you and your best friend carry. Throughout the years we have carried each other through some pretty rough stuff and at times we have even thrown each other away because we lost our way. But somehow in the end we always found our way back home. How we have laughed at each other, and how we have cried both happy and sad, but each time I think of my friendship with you, I am left with a feeling of the warm fuzzies and something I know that I know will never leave my side. No matter how far, no matter the circumstances you will always be my very best true friend. You have seen me at my roughest and carried me through, you stuck by me when no one in my family would come near me. You were all I ever had and this is why I’m proud to say I chose perfectly when I selected you for my daughter’s God mother. You left and you came back only to leave me again. Seeing you leave that day was the hardest thing I ever had to endure. The one person who I could trust and who was my rock had to leave. Some time apart but nothing ever changed. Like I said no matter the distance no matter the circumstances you are my very best true friend. Together we have grown into a mighty maple tree, allowing our roots to burry deep and rooting in permanently, our friendship sprouted to only be given a mighty strong trunk to keep our foundation solid. Our branches expand and although some break off, our branches will always form a perfect heart in and out, this is why I share the Maple tree with you. It is not just a maple tree; it’s the tree of life, and the tree of the Libra. Our friendship represents all three things in a way that could not be justified any better. I love you forever, no matter our fate, you will always be in my heart and branded on my wrist.

my thoughts on VOTING. most will not agree, this is just me!

My thoughts on voting
So today is voting day…woohoo. Not so much. I only voted once and that was because it was mandated in one of my classes when I was 18, other than that I have not. Does this make me a bad person? I think not. I'm not by any means a political person or care to be. Is my one single vote really going to change the way things are? Hell no! Yes all you voters, I know what you are saying out there "your one vote combined with so many that vote the same way can make a difference" ugh is all I have to say. I do not keep up with Politics; I have enough going on in my life to find time to keep up with politics. What I feel, or think about anything political is never going to happen. I will leave it at that. My views are not of most people so I keep them to myself. I do not want to talk about voting, politics, the government, or any of that because honestly our nation is going to do what it wants, I'm not even sure that our votes really constitute for anything anymore. Where do you think your vote really goes? Do you really think that you are making an impact on our country or government? If so then we are fucked up, because we are not making the best decisions in our country. We only seem to keep crumbling, if we all feel so strongly about making our nation better than why is our government in a whirlwind of fuck and disaster. Do not judge me because I do not vote, because I do not judge you for taking all of your time to follow something that maybe doesn't even matter when you press that little VOTE button. Please stop telling me to vote, stop telling everyone. Remember this is a free country and if someone wants to vote, guess what? They will whether you tell them to or not. Just saying, my thoughts on VOTE DAY! woo hoo (sarcasm)

Men

Men
How you cease to amaze me? At this point I'm a little pissed because I wrote this then my computer crashed and I didn't save the document so now I have to start all over. I admit that there was a point or more than one time in my life where men were not picked for their finer points with me. Now I have it down to a tee in what I look for in a man. However, after a year and a half relationship with whom I thought was the love of my life ended, I was heartbroken and wounded. I would date any good looking man whether he had ambitions or goals in life. I didn't look at the type of job they had or the dreams of what they wanted to be. I merely just wanted the attention which left me dating a lot of dead beat losers. Although I have to say because some were losers most were not bad guys, they were nice and never rude to me, except looking back now it would be a cold day in hell before I gave any of these "guys" a shot much less a date. Everyone has their way of coping with heartbreak, right? I was 25 before I ever officially fell head over heels and in love with a man, then ended up with a broken heart. No big deal now, I'm over it; however it took some idiots and douche bags for me to realize how much I didn’t need a man to make me get over something or for any reason. This one particular guy came to mind about 3 months ago when I received an anonymous text asking me how I was and what I've been up to. After finally deciding who it was I laughed out loud literally. He was a bartender that I went out with a few times from a local bar in town, cool guy, fun to hang out with, but very unrealistic for my lifestyle. I am a mother and a full time worker, and part time student. Did I even really have any reason to consider this guy as someone I would date? But I was lonely and needed to heal my wounded heart so I kept up the playing game with him, although he never really seemed interested in me other than to call me when he got off work at 3 or 4 in the morning (half drunk) most nights wanting to hang out! BIG RED LIGHT! Any man that calls you only at 3 or 4 in the morning after working at a bar and drinking is only up to one thing. Anyways, I move on and we remain friends, I would see him when I went to the bar and we were always friendly, I mean why not. But at the time we were talking I "thought" I really liked him, when really I knew nothing about him. He is my age and has been working in the same bar for about 5 years now. Wonder where this guy is going? I’m going to say he probably doesn’t have much ambition. His job profession has nothing to do with the money, because I do not care what a man makes. I make my own money and provide for myself, money is not something I look for in a man, but ambition is. Anyhow! After a year going by I haven't heard or seen from Mr. Bartender until about 3 months ago when I get this text. After a few texts he decides to confide in me that he and his girlfriend broke up and he thought of me. Number 1: wow thanks , I'm the rebound you thought of after your girlfriend crushed your heart, Number 2 you were by no means interested in me when I was interested in you and now you are texting me! HAHAHA. So I advise him that I am in a relationship and its going great. Well needless to say I never heard back from him until last night Halloween. I am sure he was drunk, because something I have learned about men is that for some reason whether they liked me or not I always seem to cross a drunken man's thoughts! Wow lucky girl me! Ha. Anyways he asked if I was going out and I said no, I have my daughter. Hello did you forget that I'm a mom or did you just never really pay attention to that. Were you too focused on my ass or if I was going to fuck you?! Probably so then he asked how the boyfriend was and I said "don’t have one" OOO then he is really interested, asks me to hang out on a Monday night? Really? Mr. Bartender "I'm a Mom with a job that requires me to be up at 6 am and go to school" but yet again, that is the farthest thing from his mind. I remind him of this and state I can't then ask if I want to hang out on Tuesday. At this point I'm just humored, more at myself for thinking at one point I was so interested in this guy. For crying out loud, he bartends and nothing else. Mr. Bartender you go to bed when I’m getting up for work. You sleep til about 4 in the afternoon and I'm getting off work. I'm sorry my friend but you are just not my type and you never were, you were going to be a band aid, but lord am I so happy that didn't work out. I guess the point of this is that this isn't the first time this has happened to me. Men that I once was attracted to or obviously trying to get with were never interested in me until they lost their appeal to me. Men always want what they can't have or what doesn't want them back anymore; however on the same note, Women are exactly the same way. No I am not saying that every man and every woman are this way, but the majority is. We always want what we can't have or can't get then when it comes back around and realized "shit he/she would have been a great person to be with" guess what?! We no longer want them. So boys/men if I haven't heard from you in a long time or seen you and you haven't heard from me, don't bother texting me or calling me because chances are I probably have forgotten you and almost 100% ashamed to have ever have been interested in you.