Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Merry Christmas 2013



Today I feel thankful for many different things. I know Thanksgiving is the time to share your feelings for feeling thankful and grateful but the past two years I have felt more love than I have ever felt in my whole life. Not because family and friends did not give me love, but because I was so angry and mad with things from myself that I let them fester that I lost out on love that was given to me. One person set me free without even knowing how much he has changed me. This man taught me how to forgive, let go, and love. I went from feeling like the outcast in my family to feeling like I am truly apart of my family.  I feel that I am accepted and loved for me. All the years I thought I was the ‘black sheep’ and didn’t belong I was so blinded that I couldn’t see how much I was like my mom and like my grandmother. How I am no longer bothered that I would turn out like them, but now grateful and hopeful that I can only turn out to be the women that they are; strong, independent, caring, fierce, forgiving and so many more things that these two great women have meant in my life. I hate that it took me until I was 30 years old to realize the positive in my life, the women that gave me the strength to be half the women they are and hopefully in the future be all the woman that they are.

Over times friends have been made and friends have been lost. Some long standing friends, others only short timers, but it is the ones that were the oldest of friends that I miss. Ones from the beginning, from freshman year that I wish I could repair friendships with now later in my life.  To start over, start fresh, let by gone be by gone and keep in touch, but not all fences are meant to be mended no matter how much one wants to repair the damage that has been done. I miss the girlfriends I had yet I am grateful for the time that we did have and will always treasure the moments we did create when our bonds where strong. Although times have changed and hearts have too, I will never forget the friendships that we had and the times that we shared together. I can only hope that each one feels the same and has no hard feelings. I have learned that sometimes we cannot continue to rehash old memories or moments and continue to relive  this situations, because the outcome probably would have been the same or would eventually in the end.

Each day feels like a struggle for me mentally, which most cannot understand, not by choice, unfortunately by things, which I have no control over. 90% of the time the medicine works but the 10% it doesn’t. It is hard, hard to understand, hard to grasp, hard to put on a happy face, but moments like today or over the past week makes it easier and with each passing day that 10% that it feels so hard to go on becomes a distant memory, something that doesn’t even exist. I feel more warmth and love in my heart now than I have probably ever felt in my entire life. I am certain it is strange to some, and no fault to anyone’s but my own. I harbored bad feelings and moments and lived on them that I didn’t realize the wonderful things and moments going on in front of me. But at this moment and at this time, I am thankful and grateful for the ones that I got to share great moments with, mainly the ones that I shared a sweet memory and time with. Those times will never be forgotten and because of this man that has came into my life I can now treasure the positive moments had with each person that I have encountered in my life, even if times have changed and friendships/relationships have been lost. This man has made me the better person and for that I will eternally be grateful for. Love has a new meaning and outlook for this girl that was once lost. I can now see myself turning into a woman I can be proud of and one that hopefully my daughter will be proud of as well. Merry Christmas from the woman that once felt her heart was of coal to the woman now that feels so much love finds it hard to contain these days.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

It's been a long time....

On the verge of breaking, heart is heavy, and mind so full sleep does not come easy.
Burdens that I seem to always carry and hide from until they become to much that I eventually feel like I’m being swallowed by a whale. Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe. Like every breath I do take I only inhale enough oxygen just to live another day. I’d crawl in a hole and hide there if I could until this ended to save everyone around me the agony of being around my miserable ass.
Tired of the never-ending cycle. Tired of trying. Tired of feeling this way.

How does one cope? It seems this is something I never quite learnt. I hold it all in until it has festered into this huge ball of fuck that I cannot control or function with.
I wish I could make it all go away. I wish I could get someone to understand the way I feel. Why am I so sad? Why am I so mad? Why can’t this be someone else instead of me? Hasn’t my time come to be able to let this all go?

How can one feel so alone when surrounded by a child that loves you more than the world itself, a man that I believe truly loves me for me, and a loving family? Yet something feels like it is missing? Is there something wrong with me? Am I missing a part to this thing I call my brain? Is my heart so heavy or dark that I am my own worse enemy? Am I my only problem? I don’t know….

Sometimes it feels like the world is caving in on me and at this moment I’m certain that I would take it crashing on me. Landing on me, maybe it would end this overwhelming pressure I feel to be something that maybe I’m just not cut out to be.

How do you explain to love ones that you feel nothing inside? How do you explain the hollowness? How do you explain the sadness? Lastly how do I make it stop?

A million miles is what it feels like I have walked. Although I know I have accomplished a lot on my own, probably more than anyone ever thought I could, but I am tired. At 31 I feel like 61. I tried to grow up to fast, then was forced to grow up when I had no idea how to and now I’m just tired. My brain, my heart, my soul, and my body are tired. Tired of the miles I walked.

Monday, April 22, 2013


It feels like a thousand tiny stones being thrown at my heart, slowly trying to chip away everything that I’ve worked so hard to maintain.
It feels as if my lungs are about to collapse, as if someone has taken a dead corpse and laid it over my body. . .
Gasping, struggling, screaming inside. Where has everyone gone? Why is no one around? Why must I always be the wall, the strong one?
Fainting, leaving, never looking back. . . it feels as if I keep reliving the same story over and over. Never ending with a new outcome, always the same. Always misdirected, always wishing and hoping that something will change this time around.
Lonely, captured, tortured… no one reaches out to me. Slowly, sorrowfully, mourning at the end.
Exhausted, overwhelmed, done. Not sure how much more I have to give, needing something back in return.
Hurting without Rock, paper, and scissors. . . 

Unmasking the emotions ......



I seemed to have found myself somewhat on the emotional side this weekend with the welcoming of Haleigh’s new step sister into the world on Friday. It seems as though for 9 months Haleigh has been dreading the day she would come, afraid she would be forgotten or left behind. Terrified that the little time she does get to have with her father, would soon be replaced by a new ‘baby girl’ has her father calls her. However, I never anticipated the emotions and overwhelming feelings that I felt when she was born. Not for the reasons that I love this man, wish I were still with him, but more less the fact that I am afraid that ‘little ole me’ is going to be left behind. I never in a million years would have thought that my ‘ex’ would marry again, much less before I did, and then to have another child. Dear lord I feel that he has struggled enough trying to be a dad to one child and after 10 years starting to get the hang of it. Here I have been, working hard for the past 6-7 years to make a life, a foundation for Haleigh and I. I’ve done all the right things with the exception of 1 or 2 things (relationships) that I’ve introduced her into when I shouldn’t have. Other than that I have always kept my life outside of being a mom away from her.  To protect her, show her the way I want her to live a life, not like the one he has lived for so many years. I think a bit of me is jealous. Jealous that I couldn’t provide a family for Haleigh before he did. It’s silly I know, but to give Haleigh a home, with a real man that loves both of us and give her a sister is something I’ve wanted and it seems that here recently it seems to be more than anything that I want. I’m tired of it just being her and I, and now I’m even more afraid that since the new baby has come, and their family seems a whole lot more ‘COMPLETE’ than ours, I will be easily discarded or pushed to the side. She will want to spend more time over there, and become less interested in the ‘life’ I created for us. Although I do find myself thankful to have the man that I do in my life, he is my balance and he is more than I could ever have imagined for myself and for Haleigh, this has nothing to do with him. I think it is just a hard pill for me to swallow to think that I may no longer be the ‘main’ person in my daughter’s life when before him that seems to be all that I’ve had. Thankful for him in more ways than he could understand, as he took it better than I could have thought when my emotions ran a little more deep than I had expected. I am happy for Haleigh’s dad, and that is genuine in more ways than one. I am happy that he has a 2nd chance to do what’s right before it’s too late, or before too many memories can be engraved upon a child’s memories and heart forever like they were with Haleigh. I really do like his wife, and as strange as that is to most, I think that maybe in another life or another time, her and I could have been really good friends. I have to say the best part is that the ‘3’ of us all get along very well and I think that is because of Logan, his wife. She may very well be the woman that makes him a better man or at least on his toes. I am thankful for her and the way she treated Haleigh this weekend. Keeping her involved every moment she could. Assuring Haleigh at each moment how much her little sister already loved her. With all things said and the gratefulness that I do have, I still find my heart weeping just a bit. As Haleigh was gone all weekend (on my weekend) to visit and be with them on this great moment in their lives, I missed her, probably more than I ever have. My heart ached when she called and when she expressed how excited she was to spend this upcoming weekend with them. Dumbfounded how one can feel happy yet so sad at the same time. I’m sure this time will pass, I will survive, but at this moment, I feel a little replaced. Strange huh, Haleigh was the one worried about feeling replaced by a new younger sister and in 9 months it never crossed my mind that I would have felt any effects of this. Maybe this just proves that I am an even better person that I give myself credit for, that just maybe I have more of a heart than I knew. 

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Love all.....

 Human Rights Campaign - Washington, DC

Currently I am not one that listens to the News or have much of an opinion on what’s going on in the world. I try to concentrate on what is going on in my world and my life that I can control to some degree. However, currently in the news, the Supreme Court battle with the Gay Right Marriage has caused a lot of debate and News Feed on my Facebook. I can honestly say that my stand point is pretty simple. Love is love, love is not easy, love is not blind, love is something to cherish. Love is not always something so easy to come by. With that said, whether you decide to love someone intimately of the same sex means no difference to me. I also feel that it would be wrong of me to hate or discriminate against someone who is in a same sex relationship. Who am I to judge, who are you to judge? Honestly at the end of the day, it is really no one’s damn business. With this being said I find myself as a parent allowing my daughter to create her own thoughts and feelings against homosexuality and heterosexuality. I have explained to her that just because one person loves or cares for another person that is of the same sex we should not judge them, shun them out, or even make a big deal of it. It is what it is. You love who you love, and no one should be judged or even singled out for that. Although my daughter has clearly stated she likes the opposite sex, I have also explained to her that even if she didn’t I would love her no less. As long as one is happy, treated with respect, and love is encountered, I will not love her or anyone else that I know any less because they love for the same sex.

I saw a great post on Facebook that I thought was perfect. Hit it right on the head, “ To everyone who opposed Gay Marriage or believes that your bible gives you the moral authority to dictate the rights of others, your children will look back at you like we look at those who told blacks and women that they didn’t have the same rights as white men.” PERIOD, enough said and so true. I think about the equality of this country and our rights as people of this great nation, why are we still fighting such small insignificant things? When there is starving children in our country, wars with other countries going on around us, is “same sex marriage” really that high on the pole? Again, is it really any of our business? Just as women and blacks faced obstacles in their lives for years and decades, why should this go on and on for Same Sex Relationships. It is small, bottom line, we should all be equal, neither age, sex, nor ethnicity should hold part in that. I am not saying that if you are completely against gay marriage then you are wrong, everyone is entitled to their opinion, but just as the quote states above, we have moved mountains in the racial department (not to say that all race issues have been resolved) but we are not segregated anymore. Women are now in higher positions than they ever would have thought decades ago. Why draw this out more than it should? You don’t have to agree with it, you don’t even have to like it. This is a Free Country and you are entitled to feel and express yourself as you feel freely, but also remember that “Ignorance is Bliss.” Love should be something we value and enthrall upon people not cause controversy. Love is supposed to be a happy time, not a downfall because of who you love or why
.
Over the past few days I’m sure I will see more opinions of Close Friends and Family and find myself struggling with their comments when I feel that I am so unbiased in this situation. I have to say that the toughest comments to swallow are by loved ones, ones that raised you. I find myself questioning how one can call themselves “Christian” or “nonjudgmental” when their post can be viewed or read as judging and coming off with only a one track mind of thinking one way and one way only. Are Christians’ not supposed to love everyone, not judge others, and accept everyone for who they are? I hope that if situations were ever to change and my daughter was to fall in love with someone of the same sex, how would my close friends and family react? Would they change their minds? Would they become more open to “accept” and “love” her just because she is family or close friends? This is where my struggles lie with this. I want to teach my daughter that no one should be left behind, love who you want and most of all Love with all your heart. Like I said before, love is a gift, love is a passion, and love shouldn’t be judged because not everyone is so blessed to have love or ever encounter what true love is. We should not judge someone by whom they love and how they love them. Love should be accepted in all FORMS.

Just my opinions, that are meant to not offend or hurt anyone that reads them. 

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

My Insomnia and Night Terror findings....

So after lots of research of Insomnia I have narrowed mine down to Primary Insomnia. For years I have tried to act as if my sleeping issues were just stress but after researching and studying the cause and effects of Insomnia I am more certain than ever I suffer from this and the research that I found is not reassuring that it can be cured and is something I will deal with for maybe the rest of my life.
Primary insomnia isn't a symptom or side effect of another medical condition. It is its own distinct disorder, and its cause isn’t well understood. Primary insomnia usually lasts for at least 1 month. Many life changes can trigger primary insomnia. It may be due to major or long-lasting stress or emotional upset. Even if these issues are resolved, the insomnia may not go away. Trouble sleeping can persist because of habits formed to deal with the lack of sleep. These habits might include taking naps, worrying about sleep, and going to bed early.
http://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/health/health-topics/topics/inso/causes.html
Some Basic signs and symptoms of Insomnia, most are a gimme but one stood out to me that I never would have imagined that I have always seemed to deal with.
The main symptom of insomnia is trouble falling or staying asleep, which leads to lack of sleep. If you have insomnia, you may: • Lie awake for a long time before you fall asleep • Sleep for only short periods • Be awake for much of the night • Feel as if you haven't slept at all • Wake up too early The lack of sleep can cause other symptoms. You may wake up feeling tired or not well-rested, and you may feel tired during the day. You also may have trouble focusing on tasks. Insomnia can cause you to feel anxious, depressed, or irritable. Insomnia also can affect your daily activities and cause serious problems. For example, you may feel drowsy while driving. Driver sleepiness (not related to alcohol) is responsible for almost 20 percent of all serious car crash injuries. Research also shows that insomnia raises older women’s risk of falling.
http://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/health/health-topics/topics/inso/signs.html
Feeling drowsy while driving is one that I have had for at least the past 3 years. There is many times where I have felt like I could easily close my eyes while driving to work in the morning or home in the evening and fall asleep. At times I have to roll the car windows down when it is cold outside or crank up the AC in the summer to keep myself from falling asleep while driving. Another interesting find that I stumbled across was the habits of a person who struggles or struggled with sleeping at one time finds themselves continuing to worry about going to sleep causing themselves to deprive them of sleep due to worrying about lack of sleep. I have been doing this a lot lately. More than ever honestly, I find myself worried each night whether I am going to go to sleep or not, how long will I actually get to sleep, and or how many times will I get up if I do go to sleep.
However, in some people, the bad habits are reinforced, the person "learns" to worry about his or her sleep, and sleeplessness continues for years after the stress has subsided. Therefore, it is also called learned insomnia or behavioral insomnia.
http://www.emedicinehealth.com/primary_insomnia/page2_em.html
More interesting finds of Primary Insomnia that never would have occurred to me but seems to be truth to most all of the below:
Primary Insomnia Symptoms Psychophysiological insomnia: • Sleep disturbance varies from mild to severe. (yep this is me) • Sleeplessness may manifest as difficulty falling asleep or as frequent awakenings in the night. (Me too) • Persons with insomnia often find that they can sleep well anywhere else but in their own bedroom. (oddly enough me too, did not know this until recently) • Persons with this type of insomnia tend to be more tense and dissatisfied compared to good sleepers. Emotionally, they are typically repressors (suppress their feelings), denying problems.
http://www.emedicinehealth.com/primary_insomnia/page3_em.html
On top of the Primary Insomnia I have been struggling with the past week or two I have recently been having awful night terrors. Night terrors that is unexplainable and terrifying, just as the name Night Terrors. I have found myself in the terrors feeling as if I was awake but awful things happening in my house or around me, yet finding myself not able to wake up, feeling as if I can’t move and even at times feel my heart racing and even experienced an anxiety attack this week. This is another reason I found it important for me to find out more about my sleeping problems and more importantly these terrors that have paralyzed me and scared me into no sleep when sleep is what I need.
Sleep paralysis is a natural protection mechanism that prevents you from acting out your dreams. It affects most of your body, with the exception of your eyes (allowing them to demonstrate Rapid Eye Movement), chest (so your lungs can breathe freely) and sometimes minor extremities like toes, fingertips and lips. Sleep paralysis switches on and off around the sleep-wake border. As a result, sometimes people become aware of the paralysis and are shocked to find they can't move. This can be scary, inducing nightmarish hallucinations (but not always), and when it happens frequently it is classed as a sleep disorder. The experience can last anywhere from a few seconds to several minutes. It doesn't always invoke visions of evil entities, but this is a common feature when you're afraid. The experience of sleep paralysis occurs when your mind (in part) wakes up, but your body remains asleep. Physically asleep, you remain paralyzed. But mentally conscious, you may start to panic and the half-dreaming mind conjures up nightmarish images to "explain" what is happening, often based on cultural beliefs. Sleep paralysis is common: half of the world's population may experience this condition at least once in their lives. The condition is more likely to arise if you are under stress and/or have disturbed sleep cycles due to shift work, narcolepsy, sleep deprivation, jet lag, and other sleep disorders.
http://www.world-of-lucid-dreaming.com/sleep-paralysis.html
Ah ha, last statement, disturbed sleep cycles, this would explain it. But I guess the reason I was prone into looking into this is that I suffer off and on with Insomnia, sometimes going months without any problems sleeping or going months with continued sleep problems, sometimes weeks with only about 5 hours of sleep. However, I have never encountered Night Terrors like I have until this week. This is scary beyond recognition. I found it hard to move, get up, and calm myself down just to relax in my own home. This is a scary thing for anyone. To feel paralyzed and frightened in your own home, to feel as if you are a prisoner to your body and cannot escape.
If sleep paralysis is just a dream, then why does it feel so real? Some of the effects ARE real. This state is a very clever merger of waking consciousness with the dream world. It's a bizarre mind trick. For instance, footsteps thumping towards the bed are often a distortion of the sound of your own heartbeat, pounding in your chest due to all the adrenaline. Hearing your assailant breathing unnaturally is common too - thought to be the sound of your own gasps for breath in this panicked state. The feeling of your body being paralyzed is real, too. Releasing yourself from the grip of the paralysis is one way to end this terrifying situation (see below). However, the perceived difficulty to breathe properly is what causes many people to imagine an entity trying to harm them (by stopping them breathing or crushing their chest). It's important to remember here that the effect is psychosomatic.
http://www.world-of-lucid-dreaming.com/sleep-paralysis.html
I’m hoping that after finding and researching more about what has been going on with my sleep patterns and disturbance in dreams I can try to reassure myself that I have to control my behavioral patterns in order to sleep and not to create a ‘LEARNED’ behavioral pattern once my period of insomnia has worn off by causing it to go into further time periods and possibly giving me extreme night terrors.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Just a mother's rant....

Everyone is entitled to an opinion and in most cases I’m not one to share mine but usually only on my blog because not many view it or read it. I am definitely not one to post my opinions or disappoints on my FB statuses or about celebrities and what they get caught doing or stupid shit they have done. I could honestly care less about a celebrity and what they are doing. I have enough to worry about in my own every day NORMAL life to concern my thoughts or opinions upon celebrities. However, scanning around on ABC World News website this morning I ran across the Entertainment section and was disappointed to see 2 of my daughter’s favorite Disney Characters starring in a new movie, definitely not a DISNEY produced movie. I get it, these girls are grown now, and Disney is over for them, they are 18. Why should they not explore the grown up acting abilities in Hollywood? Start staring in movies not just fan geared by the little girls of Disney. But this one disturbs me and I guess mainly for the fact that I have always liked these 2 girls roles and music and felt that they were wholesome or at least they hung on to the ‘wholesome’ a little bit longer than Miley and other Disney starts have. I guess for some reason I felt this one (Selena Gomez) was going to be different and keep her ‘wholesome’ appeal. That she was a genuine girl and wouldn’t get caught up into Roles that would not be a very good example for her fan base. Yes, I do get it. She is trying to expand her Fan Base, but why this role. Seems like there would have to be more opportunities for a girl with her talent. However, this role in this movie seems like a Brittney Spears experience or Miley Gone Wild Movie and the worst part was hearing her speak about the movie, all 4 of these young girls as if they had just been in one of the going to be ‘greatest of all time’ controversial movies ever. I mean seriously watch the trailer first. Then listen to the clip at the end. It breaks my heart for my daughter that any Star Child will ruin any image they have for a buck, or for a new fan base, or maybe just publicity. Where are the good Role Models for daughters these days or for any child? Why does every one child actor have to eventually ruin their image with SEX, Drugs, explicating their bodies? I guess I know the reason, I was young once and I was stupid and not famous, I’m sure the pressure is much more when in the limelight all the time. At a certain age you want people to view you as an adult or a maturing adolescent but it always goes by faster than one could ever image. It’s like in the blink of an eye, one moment that can define you for the rest of your life. Maybe not in all circumstances but in most I think kids that try to grow up to fast, wind up growing up faster than they ever wanted and realize how if they could turn that clock back they would. I know, I was one of these kids. However, back to Selena and Vanessa, I hate to think that the girls that I use to not mind buying stuff from; music, movies, TV shows, will now be showing their bodies off in tiny bikinis, become ski mask wearing gangs. Yes I know it’s a movie but Monkey See Monkey Do and this is truer for Girls than boys. Little girls see their idols like this growing up and acting different parts and who’s to say that perhaps that little girl won’t want to be just like them because they have always wanted to dress like them, sing like them, be them when playing with friends. Hopefully, my H won’t fall into this category but she is a 10 year old girl and even though the values I have taught her and the way she should want to be perceived does not mean she will always follow this. Mainly I just wanted to get off my chest how for once I was disappointed in a child celebrity, others had been expected and I’m not sure why I thought different of these. Just a concerned mother who wants only the best for her daughter just laying some lines out there of my opinions and thoughts on this particular movie. Movie Clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=EvlGXNOtd2E Girls talking about the movie: http://www.mtv.com/videos/movies/872078/spring-breakers-stars-stripped-down-for-their-roles.jhtml My stomach was literally in knots hearing these girls talk about these roles as if they are life changing. For the love of GOD where have all the Good Girls gone that don’t have to play stupid mindless idiots with no clothes on in a movie???