Sometimes I feel as if I am perceived as this type of person that has no feelings or can’t fathom sensitive emotions or be a sensitive person in general. But for anyone who really knows me, truly knows me, knows that I am a big ball of emotion and a lot more sensitive than most would think. I may not wear my emotions on my sleeve, but they definitely weigh on my heart very heavily, whether they are good feelings, feelings of doubt, worry, etc., they are there. And at times they consume me so much that I forget to stop, breathe, and re-evaluate what is weighing on my heart so much. I have to remind myself to not overthink every situation and sometimes find it hard to talk about the things that are weighing on my hear t so much. I don’t want to come off as this person who is not strong enough. I want to feel that I can conquer anything, although I am learning that sometimes I have to ask for help and sometimes I need to talk things out, I find it hard for me to give into this. I feel that I am the Rock, I am the foundation for Haleigh, and so I feel that this foundation should be solid and should be able to conquer all things, but then again I’m beginning to think that maybe I should show weakness to her. Let her know that sometimes you have to reach out, and that it is ok to fall apart at times. That you don’t have to constantly have it together, and that it is ok to show emotions whether it is sadness, happiness, or anger. I feel that I am constantly battling with myself to be this mother in hopes one day she is proud of me and the relationship that we had and continue to have as she grows older, and doesn’t resent how I was as a mother because I was too scared to show her it is ok to feel every living thing and moment in life.
It’s funny how one post can start out and end with a completely different direction than I had intended for it to go. But anyone that reads this crazy ass blog knows that I might start off in right field or even pitching but usually wind up way in left field. I guess the point of this post is that the older I get, the more I feel, the more I laugh, the more I cry, and the more I am ok with it all. It’s funny to me, that getting older really does change things, I feel it is definitely changing me and only for the better. I feel and want things I wasn’t sure I’d ever want. All the things that I use to think were important don’t even register on the scale anymore. Being a good person, one who cares and does for others, and becoming someone that hopefully can be someone’s love of their life while being a good mother seems to be where my heart seems to be headed. And I’m ok with that; I am actually more than ok with that. I know it will not be a quick drive down the street, and will probably be more like the winding road that seems unsteady and dangerous at times, but I feel that if I keep my head and heart all in the same direction, eventually I will end up where I am supposed to be.
