Fucking Mockingbird

In love with an idea of something that can never be
Little mockingbird swinging in the tree
That little mockingbird never did sing and I never did get that diamond ring.
That looking glass broke the minute I touched it, what the fuck I’m I going to do with a Billy goat?
Rover was a dog that derived from a cart and bull that would not pull, Rover couldn’t bark because his voice box was shot, which got me a horse and a cart, which I constantly stumbled over for years.
Then here comes the sweetest little boy in town, who took my flower and now my sanity,
Next thing I know I’m fucking sitting here singing this GD song all because of some stupid ass mockingbird.

Struggling.

When will I ever get it? You know, that motherly instinct? Fuck I'm almost 30 and still don't have it. I'm screwed and I feel awful for my daughter. Is my daughter my world? Yes of course she is, I don't know who I would be without her. Although this doesn't mean that I'm not constantly wondering who I would have been without her, where I would be, and if I would be completely happy with no life without her. Am I completely happy today with her in my world? I can't say that I am. I love her to death, O how I love her, but it's just not for me. Does this make me a bad person to feel this way? I'm afraid I resent her, when it was my choice to keep her, so shouldn't I be resenting myself and not this child that had no say in the situation. I struggle so often with finding a way to be a mom, a good mom, a caring mom, and I do good for awhile but then I always seem to get lost again. I am not a woman that wants to be tied down, I want to do what I want to do when I want to, and this urge only gets worse with my age. The older I get, the more on the go I want to be. The more free I feel I need to be. But I can't and at times it makes me angry and tired and just want to lie in the bed and sleep. This is a touchy subject and one that I normally would not share but who the fuck really reads my blog anyways. No one that I am aware of. My heart is heavy, my mind is constantly going, and my daughter is only growing up more and more each day and I'm afraid if I don't get the grasp of this shit soon she is going to despise me when she gets older and resent me for having her. She has a shitty dad who is never around and a mother who never wanted to be a mom. I feel like an awful person most days, and no one around me would know. If I could run away I would but I can't and I wouldn't. She deserves so much more. So here I'll stay struggling to be something I should have never been, hoping and praying that one day she will forgive me for being such an unaffectionate mother and love me just for me.

Dear God?

I have to say that I see alot of reaching out to God by people only when times seem to be rough. Am I to say that I have not done this in the past? No, I am just as guilty as anyone, however as I struggle with my faith, religion, and everything else going on in this world I do notice more people reaching for God when they need something. Am I a church going person? No I am not, do I feel bad about this? No I do not, however from what I do understand from "avid church goers" is that you don't ask for guidance only when things are bad, or when you are at the end of your rope. You are to constantly ask for guidance, pray to him, ask for forgiveness, not just when its convenient to you. I saw this on a few people's facebook statuses today, and no one i'm close to, just a few acquaintances and it irritated me. So here I am doing what I do best, placing it onto paper, telling the world that if you are going to have a faith and say you believe in God stop making your FB statuses about God when it's bad, make them about God everyday if this is truly what you believe in. Just saying.

Just when....

Just when you begin to think someone is interested in you, a curveball is thrown and you realize that maybe they are not so interested. I have to say that I honestly believe that if someone is into you they will make any effort possible to see you or take you out. I understand things come up, but if a party get picked over me then I have to say I guess it's safe to say that person is not interested or that interested and I should probably move on. I do get wanting to go to a party with a bunch of people you have known way longer than you have known me, and I can't say I wouldn't do the same. However, if was really into or thought I was going to be really into that person, I would probably go out with that person rather than a party. But ya know. . . that's just me. It's funny how books can open your perspective on things and help you realize that sometimes "He is just not that into you" Ha

Bob Marley

He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.
— Bob Marley (via things-that-sparkle)