It feels like a thousand tiny stones being thrown at my heart, slowly trying to chip away everything that I’ve worked so hard to maintain.

It feels as if my lungs are about to collapse, as if someone has taken a dead corpse and laid it over my body. . .

Gasping, struggling, screaming inside. Where has everyone gone? Why is no one around? Why must I always be the wall, the strong one?

Fainting, leaving, never looking back. . . it feels as if I keep reliving the same story over and over. Never ending with a new outcome, always the same. Always misdirected, always wishing and hoping that something will change this time around.

Lonely, captured, tortured… no one reaches out to me. Slowly, sorrowfully, mourning at the end.

Exhausted, overwhelmed, done. Not sure how much more I have to give, needing something back in return.

Hurting without Rock, paper, and scissors. . . 

Unmasking the emotions ......

I seemed to have found myself somewhat on the emotional side this weekend with the welcoming of Haleigh’s new step sister into the world on Friday. It seems as though for 9 months Haleigh has been dreading the day she would come, afraid she would be forgotten or left behind. Terrified that the little time she does get to have with her father, would soon be replaced by a new ‘baby girl’ has her father calls her. However, I never anticipated the emotions and overwhelming feelings that I felt when she was born. Not for the reasons that I love this man, wish I were still with him, but more less the fact that I am afraid that ‘little ole me’ is going to be left behind. I never in a million years would have thought that my ‘ex’ would marry again, much less before I did, and then to have another child. Dear lord I feel that he has struggled enough trying to be a dad to one child and after 10 years starting to get the hang of it. Here I have been, working hard for the past 6-7 years to make a life, a foundation for Haleigh and I. I’ve done all the right things with the exception of 1 or 2 things (relationships) that I’ve introduced her into when I shouldn’t have. Other than that I have always kept my life outside of being a mom away from her.  To protect her, show her the way I want her to live a life, not like the one he has lived for so many years. I think a bit of me is jealous. Jealous that I couldn’t provide a family for Haleigh before he did. It’s silly I know, but to give Haleigh a home, with a real man that loves both of us and give her a sister is something I’ve wanted and it seems that here recently it seems to be more than anything that I want. I’m tired of it just being her and I, and now I’m even more afraid that since the new baby has come, and their family seems a whole lot more ‘COMPLETE’ than ours, I will be easily discarded or pushed to the side. She will want to spend more time over there, and become less interested in the ‘life’ I created for us. Although I do find myself thankful to have the man that I do in my life, he is my balance and he is more than I could ever have imagined for myself and for Haleigh, this has nothing to do with him. I think it is just a hard pill for me to swallow to think that I may no longer be the ‘main’ person in my daughter’s life when before him that seems to be all that I’ve had. Thankful for him in more ways than he could understand, as he took it better than I could have thought when my emotions ran a little more deep than I had expected. I am happy for Haleigh’s dad, and that is genuine in more ways than one. I am happy that he has a 2^nd chance to do what’s right before it’s too late, or before too many memories can be engraved upon a child’s memories and heart forever like they were with Haleigh. I really do like his wife, and as strange as that is to most, I think that maybe in another life or another time, her and I could have been really good friends. I have to say the best part is that the ‘3’ of us all get along very well and I think that is because of Logan, his wife. She may very well be the woman that makes him a better man or at least on his toes. I am thankful for her and the way she treated Haleigh this weekend. Keeping her involved every moment she could. Assuring Haleigh at each moment how much her little sister already loved her. With all things said and the gratefulness that I do have, I still find my heart weeping just a bit. As Haleigh was gone all weekend (on my weekend) to visit and be with them on this great moment in their lives, I missed her, probably more than I ever have. My heart ached when she called and when she expressed how excited she was to spend this upcoming weekend with them. Dumbfounded how one can feel happy yet so sad at the same time. I’m sure this time will pass, I will survive, but at this moment, I feel a little replaced. Strange huh, Haleigh was the one worried about feeling replaced by a new younger sister and in 9 months it never crossed my mind that I would have felt any effects of this. Maybe this just proves that I am an even better person that I give myself credit for, that just maybe I have more of a heart than I knew.